Saturday, December 31, 2011

Monday, December 26, 2011

In a dark place.

No one is seeking one, but that's the only explanation I have for making this blog private for a while. I think I'm out now. I hope.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


For the first time ever, I feel this urge. And I'm not stupid. I know the repercussions. But I feel it anyway.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Of Judging and Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding was something that I had looked forward to doing since I was pregnant. I was excited about the thought of providing everything my baby needs to survive.

So imagine how devastated I was when I discovered early on that it was not meant to be. Believe me, the decision that was forced upon me wasn't an easy one to make. Even after it happened, I was in denial. I kept doubting myself for no longer being able to provide sustenance to Hana, to instead turn to formula milk, even though I knew and was told time and time again that this was not something I could control. I felt like the worse mother in the world, even on my own.

Lately, I've noticed that BF has become sort of a trend again. I suppose after the tainted milk from China fiasco, more and more people began to turn back to basics and start distrusting manufacturers.

And so I've also noticed a certain pride in some mothers when they are able to BF their child for as long as they want to, which is justified, of course. BF-ing isn't easy, esp when you're working, so they have every right to be proud.

What gets to me is how easily some of these women judge others for not/not being able to breastfeed their own children.

Breastfeeding creates an extra bond between a mother and her child. It's a process where the mother gives her baby everything she needs to sustain herself, even to the point of providing immunity. And for this reason, I am of the opinion that it is a very personal, very private thing.

"Kenapa u stop breastfeeding?" "Why aren't you breastfeeding your baby?" in my opinion, are questions that should never EVER be asked. Even worse are reprimands. "Breastmilk is the best for a baby. sayang you tak breastfeed." If a mother decides to stop, or even if she is forced to stop, this is none of anyone else's business.

It's personal. And more often than not, it's painful. At least it was for me. It hurt, knowing I couldn't provide Hana with what I promised her when she was in my womb.

So the next time a mother reveals that she doesn't BF her baby or no longer does, respect her feelings and privacy. Don't make her feel like crap. Like I said, it's no ones business but hers.

When in doubt, use your common sense.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

My Mom's a Genius: How to feed Meds to Your Baby

This method only works if your baby uses a pacifier. And if your baby isn't the kind to cry at the taste of medicine.

Basically, give your baby the pacifier, only halfway into the mouth and push it slightly to the side to keep her mouth open.

Using the syringe (or whatever medicine feeding thingamajig you have), squirt a little of the medicine in and push the pacifier right into the mouth right after. This will activate her suckling reflex and so instead of spitting out, she will swallow.

Repeat until you've managed to give her the recommended dosage.

Some of the liquid will still come out but it helps keep more in than it usually would.

And yes, my mom came up with this while we were trying to give Hana some gripe water yesterday. Genius! :)

Friday, November 18, 2011

A New Project

Haritu when I signed into my gmail, I saw this:

As I am sure anyone who has gmail has seen too. I didn't click on it because it's an advert and I'm lazy, but the idea kinda stayed with me. So I guess it kinda inspired me (read: I decided to become a copycat) only I decided to start a new blog for my daughter.

Epol and I will be posting things that she can read in the future (hopefully blogger sticks around for a long time or we'll be wasting our time here, lol): anything from our hopes and dreams for her, her achievements, how we feel, the chronology of her life - basically anything and everything we want her to know.

I won't be revealing the url here because I guess it's a little bit private but siapa yang jumpa, jumpalah. Do say hi if you do so I know you've discovered the blog because for now it's still available to be read by anyone :)

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Today, Hana turns 3. Months, that is :)

Monday, November 7, 2011

Help or Hindrance?

Being new parents is not easy for the both of us. Every second of every minute of every hour of the day (for me at least) is spent theorizing or guessing what Hana's actions are trying to tell me, what she needs, what I should do to make her more comfortable, what I SHOULDN'T do to spoil her.

And so, undeniably we've had a lot of help - from experienced mothers, new mothers and even single friends who've had experience with babies or had watched others take care of them. All of which we listen to, consider and, depending on rational it sounds and how it fits into our plan for Hana, either take or discard. That's not to say that we don't appreciate every single piece of advice. We do. We just take them with a pinch of salt.

But then there are those who presume the worst of us. They seem to imply, with their every word and action, that we know nothing about our baby. True, we've only been at it for 3 months and true that we haven't had any prior experience - but to imply that they know our baby better than we do? Well, that's certainly overly presumptuous.

Repeatedly saying things like "She wants to be picked up, why aren't you picking her up?" while she's being cranky, when really, all my baby wants is for the lot of you to leave her alone, for you to give her back her pacifier and get those damn cameras out of her face, you're being presumptuous.

Chiding us time and time again for putting her down immediately when she falls asleep, and telling us how you hold her for hours and hours when you get the chance to babysit really doesn't help. In fact, what you (again) presume as "help" is really a hindrance. At the end of the day, Hana isn't your child. You may be related, yes, but I carried her for nine months, I went through the morning sickness, back pains, sleepless nights and I gained a gazillion kgs and I went through almost 10 hours of labour. I suffered through cracked nipples, engorgement, and WE go through sleepless nights and restless days just to make sure she's always comfortable. Not you. WE'RE her parents. We know her best, and we know best how to raise our child. We just don't have the luxury of making her think she'll be carried in our arms all the time. Maybe I'm able to do that now, at the expense of house chores and cooking and washing and cleaning, but what about when I start to work? Who's going to do the holding?

Help and advice? We certainly appreciate. Just don't be a hindrance and we'll do fine.

Currently into...

Picture taken from Myfashionlife

I went crazy looking at pictures of these kimono tops, and I'm determined to get one of my own. Haha. I don't care if they're in ke tak, I just have to have one. And so tiba-tiba nak beli sewing machine. So gedik kan? Although I've been wanting to try DIY stuff ever since I was pregnant tapi tak berkesempatan.

Picture from Kaboodle

To me, these are timeless (well, not exactly THESE wedges but wedges in general). I'm not much of a heels person, because I suck at walking in those berapa inch heels. I look like a velociraptor when I try and I've seen many, many girls who've attempted to do so and looked totally ridiculous. Wedges are my way of cheating that fact. Haha. Of course, I wouldn't be into them if I didn't think they were so pretty in the first place.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Two-month old Hana

These are personal milestones. I don't quite like looking at the general milestone chart because I am told that every baby is different and I wholeheartedly agree with that!

She's started talking to us (in her own language of course!) And - many people don't seem believe this but - I do believe that she's made up her own words for my husband and I, and my sister who comes over to help me take care of her a lot. I was certain, at first that the sounds she made were random sounds, but it was too much of a coincidence that she would make different (but constant) sounds when having 'conversations' with us.

She's started paying attention to her environment. I think her eyesight range has improved. She can now lie down on her playmat that Epol's colleagues gave us and talk to the things hanging on the 'pillars'.

She's also started to try and imitate our facial expressions. Just this morning, she wanted her milk and was on the verge of crying. But when I smiled at her, she smiled back as if she couldn't resist. Then she gave a little grimace and attempted to cry again but then I called her name and smiled at her again and she smiled back. LOL. I can tell that when she looks at us and our facial expressions, she isn't just looking. Her little brain is actively working to figure out how we make those expressions

She mostly sleeps through the night. Her last feed will be around 11. 1 at the latest and depending on what time she does fall asleep, she'll wake up anytime between subuh to 9 o'clock.

She loves car rides. She seems to be fine with the carseat and sits there quietly, looking out at the scenery passing by. But if no one is sitting next to her, she will cry when the car stops, even for a few seconds at a traffic light.

And now she's very very manja! If the two of us aren't home or we leave her with one of her grandmothers to babysit, she will either 'cembeng' right before we leave or as soon as we get back and pick her up. But she doesn't make a fuss while she's with them, which is great. And when she's done with her cembeng and merajuk (only lasts a few minutes), she'll start giving the sweetest little smiles at whoever's holding her.

And so, I present to you my happy little tembam princess:

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Beginnings of Motherhood: The Baby Blues

During my pregnancy, I strongly believed that as soon as my baby came out, I would forget every pain, every hardship that I went through to bring her out into the world. I thought I would love her instantly, bond with her as soon as I saw her. I had all kinds of positive ideas - she would be fully breastfed, I'd be environmentally conscious and use reusable diapers, I'd give birth without any painkillers, that I'd upload photos of her on facebook for all my friends to see as soon as I could, that I'd announce her birth immediately.

I later found out how optimistic and idealistic I was with those beliefs and intentions.

The first couple of weeks were hard. For me, for my hubby and for my mother.

I didn't immediately establish a bond with my baby. In fact, I didn't know how I felt about her. The night of August 10th, when the nurse wheeled her in for the first time to let me feed her, she wouldn't latch on. She just cried and cried until the nurse left me with her. I was in pain, my hormones were still unstable and I was close to tears, worried sick that my baby didn't want me. The next day when someone finally helped her latch on to me, I was still too much in pain and too overwhelmed at everything that was happening to really register my own feelings.

Everyone else expected me to be happy, so I pasted a big smile on my face whenever anyone came to visit and acted the part of the beaming new mommy.

It was only when we brought her home that I started feeling like the worst mother in the world. I think it's safe to say that the first two weeks were really hard for me, my husband and my mom (who was around to help me during my confinement)

My breastfeeding plan wasn't going all that well. I developed sore and cracked nipples very quickly (the lactation expert thought that the latching might have wrong but when they saw how my baby latched, they admitted that it was fine.) My breasts became engorged really badly despite feeding Hana on demand, and it was so painful that I started getting scared whenever I heard her cry. For the first 5 days, I slept all day and all night, only waking up to feed her, and only taking very small quantities of food. My mother got a little worried, I think, because breastfeeding meant that I needed to take in enough food to keep my energy up AND feed the baby at the same time but I could only take in bits at a time.

On the fifth day, I cried whenever Hana needed to feed. She would latch on for at least 40 minutes and a time and be crying and rooting half an hour later as opposed to every 2 hours! At this point, my nipples were raw and so cracked, and my breasts were so engorged that a mere touch would send me almost to tears. Sangat sakit.

Worse was how I felt about my precious little bundle. I just couldn't feel that love that people say mothers felt towards their kids. I felt detached from this cute little baby who depended on me. I missed the little bump in my stomach. THAT was the Hana I knew, not this crying bub who made me cry whenever she got hungry. I was scared of my own baby.

I broke down in front of my husband and told him how I felt, and, like I said, feeling like the worst mother in the whole wide world. I thought I was going crazy because all I wanted to do was cry. On one hand, I couldn't figure out why I didn't immediately fall in love with my baby, but on the other hand, I was scared stiff that because I seemed so ungrateful, god would take this little gift away from me. Later on, I found out that I probably had the baby blues.

I started feeling a little better when my husband came home one day with baby formula. Apparently, he had a discussion with my mom and they decided that it might be best to supplement Hana with formula while my nipples healed. At the same time, a confinement lady came and helped me massage the engorgement away.

That was when I found out that although I had a high supply of milk, my baby just wasn't getting much. During the time that Hana was on the formula and my breasts were less engorged, I pumped and pumped for 40-45 minutes at a time each and could only get meagre amounts. Even when doubled, it's still very little and it was possible that Hana wasn't getting enough which was why she got hungry so quickly. Whatever I managed to express in a day could maybe feed her once or twice and that was it.

With the pain and the unsettled hormones, I actually gave up on breastfeeding. It's still a very touchy subject with me and I feel like slapping whoever asks and questions my decision. Mothers kept saying they knew what the pain was but EVERY EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT and I don't think anyone has the right to judge me.

My baby blues lasted about a week and a half and after I stopped breastfeeding exclusively, it started getting a lot better. I held my baby a lot more, missed her when she was in the other room and started feeling the love towards her. I guess it was there, it was just a bit delayed.

Now I look at her and I feel a little guilty for the way I felt. Thankfully, Epol and mama were there for me all the way, and was totally supportive of every decision I made. They let me know that the way I felt wasn't my fault, that maybe Bf-ing wasn't for me, that how I felt in the beginning was something a lot of mothers went through.

I really don't know how I could've gotten through everything without those two (and my sisters who also went through sleepless nights to help out). They're all truly God's gifts to me.

I suppose what I really want to say is that it's normal not to feel an immediate attachment to your baby. It's easier for some than it is for others, and although I learnt it the hard way, I thank Allah every day for giving me Hana and my family.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

My Experience at Pantai Medical Center, KL

Disclaimer: This is my own personal experience and thoughts and may not represent the general consensus. Also, it's recently come to my attention that this post has been linked from another blog. Those of you who got here through that blog, HI! I've edited the post a little so that it wouldn't seem to crass (I wasn't in a very good frame of mind when I wrote it)

Also, I've since changed my perception of the hospital when I had my second baby. You can read my latest review HERE It's a long post since I included it with my experience having my baby, but you can skip that and scroll down to the bottom where the review is. Happy reading!

I'm gonna go according to the issues I had.

1. Admission and Labour Suite
I was impressed, since my admission was prompt. They immediately gave me a room and it didn't take long for my husband to register me downstairs. The labour suite was also quite impressive, big and spacious, and the best part was that they allowed husbands and moms in.

2. Professionalisme (Nurses)
A nurse came in while my husband was downstairs, in order to take my particulars. Maybe it was the lack of sleep for having to take the graveyard shift but I found her to be unprofessional. She asked me for my height and I only had it in feet and inches while she wanted it in cm. When I told her 5 feet 4 inches, she looked at me like I was stupid and was like 'Huh?! CM!". I glared at her and said "KIRALAH SENDIRI!"
She also tried to make an issue over the fact that I didn't know the rhesus of my blood type. It was only when the senior nurse who was also in the room glared at her that she decided it wasn't an issue and said "ok, tak apa".

I also had issues with another nurse (I blame the hormones and her quite horrendously loud voice). She wasn't very sensitive to my needs either, I felt. Having her around stressed me out even more in the delivery room and I felt that it wasn't a healthy thing for me to go through.

Later on, after the delivery, I found that most of the nurses in the maternity ward were not very helpful or sensitive to the fact that we were first time parents. No one bothered to teach us anything, including how to make sure the latching is proper during breastfeeding (which lead to some complications for me later on). We basically left the hospital totally clueless as how to do anything.

Although to be fair, at one point, two student nurses came in to clean my stitches and taught me how to do it myself at home. They were friendly, professional, informative and very courteous.

3. Professionalism (Doctors)

I had been going to this OBGYN since the beginning of my pregnancy and he was usually ok. I was shocked when, during the delivery, he kept shouting "berak! berak macam 10 hari tak berak!" Professionalism? ZERO.

The funny thing is that I've read ALL good reviews about this Dr. Tak pernah ada bad review. e.

Now for the PEDIATRICIAN - I wasn't impressed. Batang hidung pun tak nampak throughout my 3 day stay at PMC. Whenever my Hana had to go for any tests, we had to ask for results from the nurses later. And after that, when I took her over to his clinic for her jaundice checkup, he left me standing, holding my baby. VERY cold, langsung tak macam other paeds. I'm definitely not taking Hana to him for her booster shots.

4. Food

Not bad I suppose. Boleh lah, hospital food kan. They've got pretty good choices. No complaints there.

5. General Service

Pretty good, most of the general workers (the people who send the food, cleaners, etc) were nice and polite.

6. Discharge

Again, no one bothered to tell us anything. A nurse came in with a bag filled with baby stuff, complimentary from the hospital. However, she failed to mention that there were meds and we only discovered those on the second day after we came back, after I had suffered one day of being in pain without painkillers or antibiotics.

7. Overall

For the amount we paid (4k+) I was not very impressed.

p/s: for a so-called "baby-friendly" hospital, only block C has changing stations or nursing stations. When I brought my baby over for her jaundice checkup at Block A, I couldn't find a place to nurse her or change her diapers. FYI, Block A is located quite a distance away from the other blocks. And since I came for the checkup only 5 days after I gave birth, I was in no position to rush over to another block to nurse my baby when she started crying so I had to sit in a corner so other people wouldn't see.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Hello Hana :)

Name: Hana Amira
DOB: Wednesday, 10th August 2011, 1.52pm
Weight at birth: 2.86kg

Chronology of Events:

I started feeling very mild contractions on the 9th in the late afternoon, only I didn't know they were contractions at the time. We had friends over for iftar that day, and we joked around about how the baby might come while we were eating. I started timing the pain, and they seemed to come at regular intervals but I couldn't be sure, and since they weren't all that painful, I thought that maybe I had a case of wind. After saying goodbye to our friends, we cleared up and went to sleep.

3.00am - I woke up because the pain was more intense. I still didn't realise they were contractions. I thought I ate something bad and had to go to the bathroom, but then I noticed period-like blood, and then it hit me that this was it. I woke Epol up and we got ready and took off.

4.00am - I was admitted to the labour suite of Pantai Hospital, KL, at which point they started monitoring my contractions and the baby's heartbeat.

It's all a blur between then and the actual delivery. I remember certain events, but I don't remember the time they happened. There was a lot of pain involved. And some rage on my part. But basically -

My mom arrived, and I was in too much pain at that point, so they gave me a jab and I drifted in and out of sleep. My personal view is that the jab did absolutely nothing to ease any of the pain, it just made me sleepy and drowsy.

The doctor came in at some point and saw that I was in a lot of pain, told the nurse to give me the Entonox. She handed me the thingy and told me to just inhale whenever I felt the contractions.

After a few hours of inhaling, and the gas not helping at all, I asked if it was too late to ask for an epidural. Obviously, it was too late because I was around 8cm dilated at that point. I was in so much pain that I was delirious. I found the nurse super annoying because my body kept telling me to push, but she was telling me (in her obnoxiously loud, bingit voice) not to. I yelled at her, and then she thought to check the Entonox.

As it turned out, I had been inhaling NOTHING for the past few hours because the genius nurse who handed me the gas thingy had not switched the damn thing on. Not only was there not painkilling gas to help me, I was also operating on less oxygen sebab I literally had the thing plastered to my face the whole time in anticipation of the contractions.

So she finally switched it on. But it also did absolutely nothing for the pain. Lol.

At around 1, I was fully dilated, and although the doctor hadn't arrived yet, he gave the go ahead for the nurse to get me ready and prompt me to push, since I kept pushing before I was ready.

As it turned out, the lack of food and oxygen meant that I had absolutely no strength. The doctor could see the baby's head coming out when I did push, but then when I stopped, she'd go back in. They put the heartbeat monitor back on, which showed that my baby's heartbeat had gone below 100 bpm, obviously not a good thing.

At that point, the doctor decided to vacuum her out.

When they finally put her on my tummy, I was too stunned to realise what was going on until seconds later.

But Alhamdulillah, she came out perfect, safe and sound, no thanks to her mummy yang takde energy langsung ni! :P

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Week 38

1. "Menunggu masa" katanya.

2. Had a false alarm last week. I thought I was getting contractions but I wasn't :P

3. Pre-washed the baby clothes, blankets, towels, diapers - anything that's gonna be touching the baby's skin

4. Gotten most of the essentials, thanks to the Parenthood Expo last week - carseat, swaddle, cot, bedding, stroller, baby-safe detergent, bathtub, almost everything lah. Still a few items which we're leaving to the last minute, tapi it should be ok kot.

5. FINALLY packed the hospital bag, thanks to that false alarm I had. I've been procrastinating this one. Tak tau la kenapa liat sangat.

6. Still doing research. Takut woo. I have no idea how to hold a newborn baby, no idea if I'll be doing anything right, no idea how to do ANYTHING. T.T

Anyway, wish me luck!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Of Having a Bun in the Oven

It's almost week 38, and I realise that I haven't yet expressed how almost being a mother makes me feel. They're all there - the feelings - all mixed up. I'm scared, excited, super happy, contented, all choked up - my feelings, having a hell of a party.

It's just such an amazing feeling, and it's certainly been an amazing journey so far. Having this little living, breathing, kicking bundle of joy inside my womb - it's like nothing I've ever experienced before. Everytime I feel her move, everytime she kicks, every little hiccup makes me so happy and I thank Allah everyday for the chance to live it.

For more than nine months, I've been responsible, not only for myself, but for her. She's probably the most important person in my life, and she hasn't even come out yet. I haven't even seen or met her yet, and I already feel more love for this little person than for some of the people I've known almost my whole life.

I have no idea what kind of mother I'm going to make. It scares me that I'm going to be responsible for every single little thing that she goes through when she comes out. I'm terrified of how I'm going to handle her getting sick, or being upset, or getting hurt. I'm absolutely terrified of not being ready to accept such a big responsibility, but I'm certainly gonna do my best for my little baby.

To my friends who read this blog, if I don't manage to say this before I go into the labour room, I hope you forgive me for any wrongdoings I've ever committed throughout the years we've known each other. I hope you can spare some time to pray for my little baby H and I, that we both come out of the labour room safe and healthy. :)

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Ok random.

So I went to Shah Alam to pay for the antenatal classes that I booked A MONTH AGO and had confirmed for. My name wasn't there, apparently. The lady kept saying "She said she booked and confirmed already but her name is not here". I dunno if I'm overly sensitive or ape, but that really sounds like she's implying I lied about booking.

Siap boleh cakap "We usually call to re-confirm" at which point, I replied "I never got any calls. Missed or otherwise", to which she replied "No, see I would've called or my people would've called. Kalau u ada book, your name would be here". What a bitch.

Should've asked for the name of the person I booked with tu. No "sorry", no nothing, just an unspoken accusation and a konon2 gracious offer of "I boleh letak nama you, and you can definitely attend the talk, tapi nanti masa exercise takut takde space. Jangan complain pulak". At which point, I glared at her and said "Tak Payah." Yes, I said it like that. She softened up a little and made the offer again. The husband asked me if I wanted in and I just shook my head.

She made yet ANOTHER offer (baik sangat la konon tu) - "I don't want to send you away, you already made it here kan. I can squeeze you in". I gave her this "look" and firmly shook my head again. And then, upon leaving, exclaimed loudly to the husband within earshot of everybody in the office "Macam mana incompetent sangat sampai orang dah book boleh pulak nama tak ada?"

Yes, I can be a bitch too. Especially since I'm so hormonal right now :)

My feet are swollen now! Time to cut down on the salt! :(

And I just realised I have less than a month to go! Takut!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

35 weeks

1. The baby's weight is estimated to be around 2.18kgs - and apparently she's small for her age.

2. The mommy's weight gain is now 10kgs. Just a few days ago I was telling one of my besties that I've gained less than 10kgs. *nangis*

3. I've managed to book us a place at an antenatal class for next week. This comes pretty late since there's always a chance the baby decides to come out early, but at least I won't have to take refresher courses, since it's near the due date.

4. My OBGYN advised me against fasting during Ramadhan. He says that it will affect the baby. I'm a little disappointed because that will mean that I'll really be missing out this year. No puasa, no raya and a whole month of puasa to replace. But I guess it's worth it, for the sake of the little one.

5. I've also managed to confirm a confinement lady, which is a HUGE relief because I started asking around at the last minute, and I noticed that there seem to be a lot of women due around the same time I am.

And that's about it :)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Favourite Spot

My baby has found a new favourite spot:

She lodges herself right below my right ribcage and sticks her elbow/knee out to my right really hard, effectively making it uncomfortable for me to sit in any position.

What's crazy is that I love her all the more for it sebab comel! lol.

Sunday, July 3, 2011


A few weeks ago, I penned a status update on Facebook in a fit of rage and sadness. A very unfortunate incident had befallen none other than my own mother, at the hands of someone who was so unworthy it would make anyone cringe to hear the whole story.

Needless to say, people commented and told me to "sabar". It was not good for the baby. I knew this. God knows I knew this so much that it upset me to even BE that upset about it. On the one hand, why shouldn't I be upset? My mother had been slighted. She who carried me for nine months in her belly, who endured all nine months of morning sickness, FOR ME. She who went through sleepless nights taking care of me when I was sick, who worked so hard at getting everything that this spoiled little girl wanted. Who would do anything to keep her daughters happy. The one who sacrificed and sacrificed for the sake of every one else. The one who had just recovered from cancer. THAT person. One of the people I would do anything for.

On the other hand, me being that upset was not good for the baby. The sweet, active, attention-seeking little bundle inside me who I've come to love aalmost more than anyone else in the world, despite not having met or laid eyes on her yet. I knew that being that upset would potentially hurt the baby as well.

I. Knew. This.

And as much as I would have loved to admit that these people were right (and they were, in a way), I honestly just became more frustrated. At myself, for being stuck in this situation. At them for not understanding how important both these individuals are to me.

But the fact of the matter is, "sabar" is easier said than done. Sure, I can come out smiling like a gold medal winning champion, but who can say how I feel? I can keep my emotions bottled up for the sake of everyone who thinks I shouldn't be acting a certain way because of the baby, but would that really be a good idea? Would I be smiling and laughing for others' sakes? Or my baby's and my own?

Sabar but keep my emotions hidden away where no one sees. Sabar but letting those feelings eat me up inside. Pada mata kasar, I'm still being patient right? I feel that THAT kind of patience, I don't need. I'd be hurting myself and my baby a lot more to keep things bottled up inside just so I'd show people how sabar I am. And if letting my rage out once in a while help keeps me calmer on other days, then why not? What good is false patience when it has the potential to hurt more than letting out my emotions?

The honest truth? We've been patient for 7 whole years. We've given this offending person more words than anyone can imagine. We've kept quiet while she reigned over us smugly. And now, the shit has hit the fan.

She has hurt one of the people I love most in this whole world. Unless you know what that feels like, and unless when you had it happen to you, you were able to control your emotions and truly 'sabar', you will have no idea how it feels, and you will have no idea what magnitude of 'sabar' it takes for me to truly live up to the word.

I appreciate all the advice I've been given, but allow this big pregnant lady one instance of rage just so she doesn't end up a basket-case of bottled-up emotions alright? :)

Monday, June 27, 2011

Girl or Boy: Does it Really Matter?

The news that I'm about to have a baby girl was a much welcomed one in my circle of immediate family. My father, particularly, mused over the fact that my baby girl was going to be the first daughter of a first daughter of a first daughter. Get it? What I mean is that my mother and I are also first daughters. Our moms and my sisters were really excited over all the cute dresses and accessories they could lavish the baby with. My husband and I, we were just excited to be having a baby at all, girl or boy.

So it surprised me, when, in this day and age, where everybody claims out loud to be equals, quite a few people seemed to receive the news of our baby girl quite badly.

One gave a little grimace of pity and said "Oh, it's ok. Having a girl is not that bad"

Another went a step further, saying "Oh! Sorry dude! You've got to try again!" to my husband.

A few other comments went along the same lines, but needless to say, I was shocked and appalled at every single one of them - which were all said to my face, which means that my baby could hear them as well.

These comments, which would already seem rude, callous and insensitive to anyone else seemed a hundred-fold to my over-sensitive, hormonal ears. What had my baby done to deserve any sort of notion that she would not be welcome, just because of her gender? And the best (or worse?) part of it? All of these commenters were WOMEN, who had firstborn daughters. So once I finished stewing over how rude they were (I couldn't show them my disgust, because they were older, more experienced, and most importantly, friends of our parents or even elder family members), I got to thinking - Were these people really unhappy about being women? And were they so disgruntled over giving birth to firstborn baby girls that they decided to take it out on my innocent girl?

So I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't be too upset over their less-than-intelligent quips. See, unlike them, I am happy that I was born a girl. I am happy with everything that comes in the package, bad or good. I am so happy with myself that I don't find the need to make others feel bad about themselves, just to make myself feel good.

I am happy that the important people in our lives - the moms and the dads, our sisters, and our best friends are all happy and welcoming towards our baby.
And most importantly, I LOVE the fact that the baby growing in me is a girl. Even if it had been a boy, I would've loved it just the same, because I am not about to discriminate my own flesh and blood, and at the end of the day, the baby is MINE and my husband's. She or he is a product of our marriage, love and respect for each other.

And we don't need people who would appear to still think like neanderthals to validate our happiness.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Week 30

My Updates:
I'm in my third trimester already. How time flies! Anyway, the growth of my belly has started to take a toll on my body, sebab my back hurts and I find it hard to sleep every night. Suggestions from my moms like sleeping on my side with pillows supporting my back and front doesn't seem to work, neither does elevating my feet.

My feet belum swell lagi, but it's too early to celebrate. We'll see in a few weeks.

I keep getting sharp pains on the bottom of my abdomen. When I asked my obgyn about it, he told me not to walk around so much, which is the total opposite of what everyone else has been telling me. Dia kata "Orang tua2 memang suka suruh jalan banyak2, but it's not necessary". Well, he's the expert kan? But the funny thing was, the first thing I did after that checkup was to go jalan2 with my sisters. Degil. LOL

The baby's updates:
The baby has grown tremendously. I read that the starting of the third trimester usually means that the baby's movements aren't all that vigorous anymore, since there's less space in the uterus. Tapi does my little princess know that? Of course not! She's moving even more vigorously than before, if that's even possible. Degil kot macam mommy dia. :P

I've also more or less been able to figure out her sleeping patterns. She sleeps after Subuh, and ONLY after Subuh! I wake up at around 6.15-6.30, at which point she's usually still active. Habis around 6.45, wake hubby up and baring2 while he gets ready. By the time he's ready to leave, she's sleepy and moving a lot less. I usually fall back asleep when my husband has left for work, around 7.30, and wake up around 9.30. That's the only time she sleeps. If this pattern continues after birth, habisla!

Anyway, this is what she's supposed to look like about now, which i think is so comel:

Picture taken from Babycenter

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Halal and Haram

Lately, there's been a slew of tweets, FB posts and blog posts highlighting the halal haram of certain establishments or certain products.

From my observation, most of these posts came from people who didn't bother doing their research properly. Hence, the news became viral, spreading uncontrollably from screen to screen. By the time said establishment or company issues a statement to declare their innocence (or give any type of confirmation) it's already too late. Funnily enough, these same people either don't bother spreading the truth when it comes out or just don't care to know about it at all.

I once looked up the ingredient stated in a particular product which so-called made it 'haram'. I really don't remember which ingredient it was, but I do remember that the product was a soft drink and said ingredient konon2nya had pig fat in it.

When I looked it up, I found out (unsurprisingly) that this ingredient DID NOT CONTAIN ANY TYPE OF FAT AT ALL, PIG OR OTHERWISE. Obviously, I sent the info to the person who was spreading the message at the time, but what about the others who had already told all of their friends? The damage had been done, and all because people refuse to look up a few simple facts.

Come on, people. We live in the age of Google and Wiki. Use them.

As for these establishments, spending less than 10 minutes verifying that they're halal by browsing JAKIM's website or better yet, calling them up really is worth the hassle.

Then no one can accuse you of fitnah, right? And you can rest easy and be assured that the establishments you frequent are indeed halal, and the food and drinks are safe for your consumption. Isn't that better than listening to the grapevine and causing damage to innocent people?

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Bila Orang Gaji Tak Sedar Diri.

Yes, I said it. Orang Gaji. If you knew me well, you'd know I don't use such a term. Pembantu, maybe. Helper. I don't even like using the term "Maid". Tak taulah kenapa but that's not the issue here.

What would you do if your maid:

1. Was overheard badmouthing one of your children to someone on the phone?

2. Refuses to wash dishes that anyone else leaves in the sink besides yours (the person who pays her) and hers?

3. Leaves food overnight under the tudung saji and without even reheating or making sure it's still good, feeds your children and grandchildren with it?

4. Walks up to your menantu and rudely kicks anything near her to show that she's angry just because he threw away some overly dirty cloth that she keeps using to wipe clean dishes with?

5. Hides food from your children and grandchildren so only you and she can enjoy it?

6. Stuffs her face every single chance she gets?

7. Dengan kurang ajarnya proclaims to your daughter that people have been talking about how bongkak and sombong she is?

8. and on top of all that: GETS PAID DOUBLE WHAT ANY NORMAL PEMBANTU GETS PAID, and yet does half of what they do?

Well, I would probably beat the shit out of the bitch and kick her out on her FAT ASS.

Apparently some (one person in particular) wouldn't do the same thing.

She would rather tell her children and grandchildren to stop disturbing her maid or move out.

And trust me. What I've listed down is only the tip of the iceberg.

Friday, May 20, 2011

26 weeks update

1. The baby is probably a girl ( I say probably because there's a 1% chance that the scan might have been wrong)

2. She's estimated to be at 900g which is normal. Means she's not big and not small. Normal je.

3. She's an active one. Loves listening to her daddy talk.

That's it kot.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


I heard something the other day. Nak cerita specifics kat sini, it's a bit too private. But basically it involves someone I used to know, cruelly backstabbing a friend of mine. And this friend is someone who (as far as I know) is genuine and is totally oblivious about what this other person is saying about her.

Kesian kot.

Far be it for me to masuk campur. In the first place, this friend of mine isn't all that close to me, and I hardly know this other person.

I guess for some people, no matter how old you get and how far you've progressed in your life, the high school drama just never ends.

It's sad.

Friday, April 1, 2011

The Day My Baby Started Kicking

It was on the 25th of March 2010, and I was at my mom's.


Ok, I know, lame update, but I needed to record it. takut lupa.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Checkup at 16 weeks

I went for my fourth checkup today. Since my doctor scans the baby at every checkup, both moms decided to accompany me to see their first cucu for themselves :)

Anyway, everything's fine. I gained less than a kg since the last checkup, but I'm told it's normal cuz I'm still in my early stages.

And as usual, we moved on to the ultrasound, and I the moms were even more excited than I was. They were ooh-ing and ahh-ing at the image, and all I could do was smile like a dummy because it's just so amazing!

The thought of this tiny person growing inside my womb, the sight of his/her little fingers and toes, that little heartbeat and how actively he/she was moving around? I guess I was juat in awe of everything. He/she is growing at a normal rate, consistent with the expected due date. Very healthy, I think, Alhamdulillah.

It's still too early to tell the gender, but hopefully, by next month we'll be able to.

And for some reason, I still find it hard to believe I'm gonna be a mom! :D

Monday, February 21, 2011

Finding Out

This is more of an attempt for me to record some important moments in my life than actually about telling people how it happened, so you're really not obliged to read this boring tale of how I found out I was pregnant. (I'm exactly 14 weeks along today by calculations, by the way. WOOHOO! Officially the Second Trimester!)

So anyway, it was sometime in December. (This is kinda horrible of me, but I don't really remember the exact date). I had been having extreme hormonal issues (as some of you could attest, due to my extremely emo statuses on Facebook - I eventually deleted the thing sebab menyampah sangat). Basically, my tummy was hurting, my moods were swinging faster than the revolving swings at amusement parks. I was snapping at everyone. And I MEAN everyone. the husband, toll gate operators, drivers on the road, cashiers. Suffice to say, I was a total bitch. heh.

I took a pregnancy test but it was negative.

So he took me to our GP since I was hurting on the right side of my abdomen. After getting checked and telling him all of the symptoms, the GP asked my if I was pregnant. Tolh him I took a test 2 weeks before the visit, and he said then I probably wasn't pregnant. He said that it was most probably another cyst, and that there was nothing he could do to help with the symptoms and the only way for it to get better was for me to get pregnant. So of course, I went home very frustrated, and spent that night crying to poor hubby about how I couldn't stand having to go through it my whole life. Dramatic kan? haha.

Anyway, two days later, while unpacking (we had just moved from mom's house into our own) I found an extra pregnancy test and decided, for the heck of it, to just take it.

You know how when you REALLY want a baby, after peeing on that stick, you kinda hold your breath and can't wait to look, and your heart beats really really fast and you're hoping and hoping and hoping, and then only one line shows up and you feel this intense disappointment?

I felt none of that.

I took the test, left the bathroom and continued with unpacking, and promptly forgot about it. Then I went back into the bathroom and there were TWO LINES. Not one. TWO.

I rushed over to the computer, where the only person online I could panic about it to was my sister (Epol was in a meeting, so his gtalk read "idle" - nevertheless, I pmed him anyway and sent a frantic, panicked message about how I took a test and it was positive). She was really excited but I was weary because I had read about false positives.

Epol came back online, we discussed it and he came back that day with extra kits. LOL. I took one that night, and another the next morning, both positive, so I went back to my GP who was really excited for us. But he told us that I should get an ultrasound scan right away which was quite unorthodox. Wouldn't tell us why exactly, but he did say that it was because of my condition.

I suspected that he was worried about how the pregnancy might be ectopic, since I was having pains on the right side of my abdomen.

So Epol took that friday off and we went to Dr Idris in TTDI, explained what my GP said, and he did a scan, and lo and behold. There was the pregnancy sac, right in the middle of my uterus, right where it was supposed to be.

I think only Allah knows how I felt at that exact moment. It was almost a miracle for me. Merely two or three days before, I thought that I would never ever get pregnant, and there it was, proving me wrong.

And that was how I found out I was pregnant. And now here, I am in my 14th week.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


1. I'm 9 weeks pregnant

2. I had my 2nd ultrasound last week. The baby is doing good. It's the size of a grape, and it's got a tiny little heart that beats like a champion :P It's the cutest thing in the world, seriously (or maybe that's just me, cuz it's my baby and it's living in me). It's got hands and feet, but no fingers or toes yet.

3. The morning sickness persists. It's not bad, but it's not great either. As soon as the nausea pill runs out of my system, I get nauseated all over again.

4. I haven't been craving anything much. In fact, for some reason, the thought of food sometimes makes me wanna throw up.

5. No weight gain either. Yes, I know I look tembam, but the tembam came before the baby.

6. but I've got massive lower back pains, esp at night! It's a good thing that my husband seems to be an awesome untrained masseuse though :P

And that's about it! :)

Friday, January 7, 2011

Stupid Movies/Dramas

We don't have astro.

And so, I spend most of my days nauseated on the couch, watching the dramas and whatever they show on the local tv channels. You know, rtm1 and 2, tv3, ntv7, 8tv.

Sometimes, the storylines are so stupid that I feel my IQ going down right along with it. haih.

I mean, seriously, who does the kind of stuff that the people in these movies/dramas do?

Bodoh sangat.

You don't have to be perfectly logical, but at least show your viewers some respect and don't insult their intelligence lah and make them believable.

and FYI, logical and believable are two different things.

When I say logical, I mean that it doesn't go against scientific norm and can be explained.

When I say believable, I mean that it should at least be something that our minds can grasp.

Ada ke orang yang BAIKKKKKKKKKK sangat sampai dia biar je orang lain pijak kepala without even a peep? lepas tu cembeng, nangis sorang2 macam orang BODOH. masa ada chance nak terajang orang tu takde pulak kau buat?

For scriptwriters/directors out there, NO. That quality does not make a character likeable. It makes me root for the bad guy just because they're a lot smarter. seriously.

Make your protagonist have some balls la. Kalau orang pijak kepala, kasi tempeleng balik kepala orang tu sekali. Barula boleh percaya.


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Funny Coincidences

Today, through a whole series of coincidences, I bumped into someone who meant a lot to me long ago. This was someone who was around during my angsty teenage years, who almost always made me feel better with her experiences, wit and her ability to make me feel special. She disappeared from my life after some unfortunate events, and even went out of her way to avoid any of us (through no fault of ours, or hers, mind you - just circumstances) and today, after many long years, I saw her again.

Anyway, yesterday, I was supposed to go to Maybank and CIMB to take care of some stuff for my Masters programme. In the morning, a really bad wave of morning sickness hit me pretty hard, and I was basically incapacitated. The fact that I can't stand the smell of my neighbour's cooking and the sound of the drilling in one of the houses above did not help.

I finally got something to eat and felt better for a while, but just as I got ready to go out, another wave hit, I decided to take a nap at around 1.45 and could not wake up until 5.00pm. My body was just that weak. So I took a rain check on my plans.

Today, I woke up fine and decided to head over to Desa Hartamas, because as far as I remembered, both Maybank and CIMB were located near each other there. When I arrived, I found out that the CIMB had been replaced by Burger King. AND I left my phone at home so I couldn't call anyone to ask for the nearest CIMB. I knew there was one branch in Bukit Damansara and one in TTDI, but it was next to impossible to get parking at those places, so I decided to head over the The Curve, where parking was a breeze.

I walked into CIMB, and there she was!

She was on the phone, cuz she seemed to be having some problems, so she waved and then went out to speak on the phone. I thought she was gonna walk off without actually saying anything else, but she came back to take care of her stuff and asked me to lunch. And the rest, as they say, is history.

It's funny cuz originally, my plan was to get stuff done yesterday but I was too sick for it so I could only get it done today.

If the CIMB bank was still around in Hartamas, I wouldn't have had to go to another branch.

If parking wasn't so impossible at the other branches, I wouldn't have decided to stop by The Curve

And if she hadn't been having problems and needed to make a call, she would've been done with her business long before I arrived.

So I guess this is what they call fate.

Monday, January 3, 2011

The Reveal

Cheh, the title sounds poyo kan? haha, whatever.

Anyway, here it goes, we're expecting!

It's been 7 and a half weeks so It's really really new. To my friends out there, please doakan that the three of us will make it safe and sound yeah?

So far I've had a mild to moderate case of morning sickness ("morning"? lies i tell you, lies!), sleepless nights, backaches, extreme mood swings (I cried for three hours over assam laksa. like seriously, how emotional can you get over food?) and the inability to smell certain scents (i.e: my neighbour's cooking and it's bad cuz she seems to cook the same thing e.v.e.r.y.s.i.n.g.l.e.w.e.e.k.d.a.y.m.o.r.n.i.n.g), but I'm healthy so far, and thinking about what's to come makes it all worth it!

So yeah, there's my big news, it's also a major reason why I deactivated my facebook - initially it was because I was excited and didn't want to reveal it before letting some of my best friends know about it first.

I was also getting annoyed by some idiots - posts, liking things they should not be liking, stuff like that, so i figured before I gave them nasty, nasty messages on facebook, it was better for me to step back until my moodswings are over.

I know that some of the people who found out early were dying to let it out, because someone actually posted a status without actually revealing who it was! hehe, thanks darlings for keeping it secret this long.

There are still a few important people who don't know the news yet. Hopefully, they'll read this and find out soon.

So again, please doakan that baby, mommy AND dad will all make it through this, safe, sound, healthy and sane. Thanks!