Things I Don't Get To Say

I've always been pretty introverted. I don't find pleasure in telling the whole wide world how I feel about things. When someone does something that angers me or makes me uncomfortable, I usually keep it in because I don't like confrontations. In fact, I used to spend my whole life running away from such things.

Lately, I've been trying to change that about myself. Sometimes, it's better to make yourself heard and risk hurting people than it is to just keep quiet and let others hurt you again and again. At the very least, they know how you feel.

But then there are just some things I still don't get to say. With certain people, I bite my tongue because I know the consequences of letting my mouth run would be too grave to even consider.

But I still hate it when someone tries to make me into a puppet. When they pull on the invisible strings that they somehow attached to my mind and body and make me do things for their benefit. I hate it when someone uses me in order to get to someone else and make them do exactly what they'd like them to do.

I'm not a puppet, not a doll, not your dog. I am a human being, with feelings, desires and my own brain, which I use to determine what is right and wrong by my own standards, which I have been taught to do by my parents. And I believe that what my parents have taught me are wonderful things that are to be praised, not ignore. They taught me to respect, which is why I hold my tongue. They taught me about free will, which is why they have never forced me to do anything that I don't want to do. They've taught me really well.

So I don't think there is any need for anyone to come waltzing into my life and deciding that they've got the right to control in according to their whims and fancies. I am who I am, and maybe some people should respect that as much as I respect and love them.

TV Shows

A few weeks ago, my mom-in-law was telling me about a show she was addicted to on TV. Nur Kasih, katanya. Obviously at that time, dengar acuh tak acuh aje la, because I thought that I was too cool for Malay series (ayat berani mati, memang nak kena sumpah kot). No offense to anyone, but I found a lot of them cliche and plot dia somehow susah nak lari, mesti orang2 kaya yang corporate yang dengki mendengki antara satu sama lain, make up and hair wajib over the top, sampai nak tidur pun rambut 'big hair' the nanny cantik gila and make up 3 inci.

And so my mum-in-law asyikla remind me to watch because she loves it so much, but I kept putting it off, expecting the same things that are always on tv. On Raya Haji, we made our way back to my husband's kampung in Muar, and it turns out that everyone there are Nur Kasih addicts and it just so happened that they were airing the last episode that day, and everyone was excited about it so I finally decided to see what the hype was all about.

The moment I saw that the director was Kabir Bhatia, I realised the folly of my earlier judgments. I had watched Sepi earlier this year and I absolutely loved it. Similarly, Nur Kasih was indeed a wonderful tv drama.

The cinematography was awesome. I thought each scene was filmed carefully, and the effect? beautiful and breathtaking.

I loved that instead of the usual 'oh help me I'm a damsel in distress and I'm just gonna keep quiet when someone does something bad to me' protagonist, this one had spunk and while she was the poster girl for the type of woman every muslim man would want to marry, she did not let anyone step on her head and is known to deliver lines akin to a slap in the face.

I loved the storyline as well. It made me cry, laugh, smile, in fact I probably went through all the emotions I have stocked up during the whole 26 episodes. Oh and for the absolute FIRST time, I LOVED Jalaluddin Hassan's acting. First time ever. I've always thought he was ott and stiff, but this time around, it was effective enough to make me cry.

I rarely ever sing praises for Malaysian made films, but I have to admit that the quality of our films are improving a tremendous lot. I find this particular series meaningful, and, for the first time, considering this is a Malaysian made tv series, when i watched the last episode I felt the same way I usually do when I finish reading a great book or get to the end of a wonderful movie. The feeling of slight sadness that it had to end.

So, Team Aidil or Team Adam (boleh tak apply Twilight punya kat sini? ;p )?

Revamping

A few days ago, I asked myself what the point of this blog was. Is it so that I have a place to rant about the things that happen to me or others that I feel strongly about? Well, yeah, sorta. But I realise that I've been very secretive with a lot of my posts. I rant all I want but for the most part, the specific details are things that only I know. I don't reveal all that much, and I'm certainly not one of those bloggers who take the time to post up pictures. Im guessing I never will be one of those, but recently, after a significant amount of blog-hopping, I am attracted to the idea of this being a keepsake of sorts.

I imagine myself, a few years down the line, rereading my entries and reminiscing everything that's been happening to me. Or better yet, should blogger stand the test of time, having my future kids read through my posts in order to see what kind of life their mom had before they came around, or even to get to know me from the point of view of other people.For them to see me as a person, instead of just 'mum'.

So I'm thinking of doing a bit of revamping. No doubt, I will keep on using this space to rant whenever my heart wishes it. But I'll try to fit in some stories from my life as well. So that some time in the future, I'll be able to read this and cherish those moments that are so important to me that I actually felt compelled to write about them.

I may not post pictures, but that's ok. I'm not much of a picture person anyway.

There's a difference

1. When to use "That's mean"

Situation: You're walking innocently, floating like a butterfly when I come over, slap you on the face, trip you, beat you up and spit on you.

That's when you say "Hey! THAT'S MEAN! Why'd you do that to me when I did nothing to offend you?"

2. When you can use "That means"

situation: Someone asks you the meaning of a word and you're trying to explain it.

You say "Oh, that means .... bla bla bla"

In this situation, you ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT USE No.1: That's mean.
eg: a: What does the word 'mean' mean?
you: Oh, that's mean evil.

The example I just gave is WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG.

the literal translation when you use the example I just gave is: "Oh, itu jahat jahat"

when you want to say "Oh, itu maksudnya jahat"

So instead of saying that, you should be saying "Oh that means evil"

please take note.

kthxbye.

Opportunities

It's true what they say. When one door closes, another opens.
To others, it may not be much but to me,it's a chance of a lifetime.
I'm happy, nervous, excited, smiling from ear to ear, and hoping I don't blow it.

:)

I recently watched

1. The Time Traveler's Wife




2. The Women



3. Why Did I Get Married?




4. P/S: I Love You (yes, orang lain dah lama tengok, saya baru terhegeh2, tu pun sebab it happened to be on Astro)



They're all about relationships, all about sacrifices and they were provoking enough to induce a pile of jumbled up thoughts in my head. I SO want to write about those thoughts, but since the previous post still applies, I need time to recollect them and arrange them into neat little sentences so you (yes, all two of you ;p) don't start thinking that I'm a raving lunatic. Until then..

p/s: images taken from here, here, here and here

Allow Me This.

It feels like someone decided to fasten a big huge padlock on my brain cells that blocks any ideas from morphing into words. Writing the previous sentence alone took me half an hour and I’m still not happy. It’s like the ideas are there but the awords are stubbornly clinging for dear life in that mysterious part of my brain which isn’t activated. That’s what writer’s block feels like. And I missed my deadline. And I have no idea what’s gonna happen to me. And my abdomen still hurts. And I still can’t perform the simplest daily routine without feeling that pinch and finally collapsing into bed in exhaustion. And this is frustrating. And I am depressed. And I love all of you who are doing whatever you can to make me feel as comfortable and as happy as I can be. But I am wallowing in selfish self-pity. Allow me that, for having to stay at home and in bed for the better part of Syawal and even now, almost two weeks later. Trust me, it’s not as glorious as it seems. It’s suffocating. And demotivating. And uninspiring. And it causes writer’s block. And if you, the one who is waiting for this block to disappear, are reading this, I’m sorry.