Sabar

A few weeks ago, I penned a status update on Facebook in a fit of rage and sadness. A very unfortunate incident had befallen none other than my own mother, at the hands of someone who was so unworthy it would make anyone cringe to hear the whole story.

Needless to say, people commented and told me to "sabar". It was not good for the baby. I knew this. God knows I knew this so much that it upset me to even BE that upset about it. On the one hand, why shouldn't I be upset? My mother had been slighted. She who carried me for nine months in her belly, who endured all nine months of morning sickness, FOR ME. She who went through sleepless nights taking care of me when I was sick, who worked so hard at getting everything that this spoiled little girl wanted. Who would do anything to keep her daughters happy. The one who sacrificed and sacrificed for the sake of every one else. The one who had just recovered from cancer. THAT person. One of the people I would do anything for.

On the other hand, me being that upset was not good for the baby. The sweet, active, attention-seeking little bundle inside me who I've come to love aalmost more than anyone else in the world, despite not having met or laid eyes on her yet. I knew that being that upset would potentially hurt the baby as well.

I. Knew. This.

And as much as I would have loved to admit that these people were right (and they were, in a way), I honestly just became more frustrated. At myself, for being stuck in this situation. At them for not understanding how important both these individuals are to me.

But the fact of the matter is, "sabar" is easier said than done. Sure, I can come out smiling like a gold medal winning champion, but who can say how I feel? I can keep my emotions bottled up for the sake of everyone who thinks I shouldn't be acting a certain way because of the baby, but would that really be a good idea? Would I be smiling and laughing for others' sakes? Or my baby's and my own?

Sabar but keep my emotions hidden away where no one sees. Sabar but letting those feelings eat me up inside. Pada mata kasar, I'm still being patient right? I feel that THAT kind of patience, I don't need. I'd be hurting myself and my baby a lot more to keep things bottled up inside just so I'd show people how sabar I am. And if letting my rage out once in a while help keeps me calmer on other days, then why not? What good is false patience when it has the potential to hurt more than letting out my emotions?

The honest truth? We've been patient for 7 whole years. We've given this offending person more words than anyone can imagine. We've kept quiet while she reigned over us smugly. And now, the shit has hit the fan.

She has hurt one of the people I love most in this whole world. Unless you know what that feels like, and unless when you had it happen to you, you were able to control your emotions and truly 'sabar', you will have no idea how it feels, and you will have no idea what magnitude of 'sabar' it takes for me to truly live up to the word.

I appreciate all the advice I've been given, but allow this big pregnant lady one instance of rage just so she doesn't end up a basket-case of bottled-up emotions alright? :)