Friday, June 21, 2013

Offensive Posts

Hari ni tiba-tiba terfikir.

Dulu I joined those parenting groups. Niat nak menimba ilmu. Tapi bila dah tengok orang kutuk sana-sini, rasa macam kita ni mak yang tak sempurna. Kalau bagi susu formula tu macam dah teruk sangat la sebab tak usaha. Padahal diorang tak tau pun macam mana kita struggle nak bagi anak susu ibu. Kira bersyukur sangat anak kita dapat colostrum tu walaupun tak dapat nak susukan sampai 2 tahun. Dan bersyukur kita masih dapat bagi susu dekat anak kita walaupun bukan dari badan kita sendiri. Dia dapat jugak khasiat, dia tak kelaparan, dia membesar dengan sihat jugak macam anak orang lain.

Kalau bagi vaksin pun salah. Sebab dah terikut-ikut sangat apa yang kerajaan suruh buat. Kalau bawak pegi doktor pun tak betul. Sebab percaya sangat diorang, sedangkan diorang tu nak buat duit je. Macam-macam lah yang kita buat, serba tak kena.

So lama-lama rasa macam, tiap kali bukak je group mesti terasa. Mesti kecik hati. Padahal benda tu tak ditujukan kepada kita secara personal. Tapi tetap jugak kecik hati. Delete group satu-satu. Tak membantu pun. Ilmu yang dapat dekat situ boleh je cari kat Ms Google atau lebih baik lagi refer terus pada yang pakar.

So terfikir pulak harini. Kita terasa bila diorang cakap benda2 tu. walaupun tak tuju kat kita. habis bila kita cakap macam2 dekat blog, dekat twitter, dekat facebook, kita tak tau siapa yang terasa dengan kita.

Rasa takut pulak.

Ada jugak yang kata "I don't take responsibility for how you feel about what I say". Tapi bila fikir bab dosa pahala... Bayangkan kalau 10 orang terasa tiap2 kali kita post something dekat these social media websites. Bayangkan.

This serves as a reminder to myself to think a hundred times before posting something next time.

To anyone out there who reads my blog, anyone I've hurt or offended with any of my entries or with any posts I've published, be it here or in any of the websites I frequent, saya minta maaf dari hujung rambut sampai hujung kaki. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive this flawed human being who sometimes slips when she gets too emotional or stressed out. If there ever comes a time when I intentionally or unintentionally post something hurtful or offensive, please leave a reminder. Help me become a better person.

Thank you.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Of Parenting

It's not easy, let me tell you.

Not that I don't love it. I do, don't get me wrong. It's worth it to wake up early everyday, having her smile sweetly at me and say "Hi sayang! Hi Mama!".

To have to rush here and there in the morning to make her breakfast, get her bathed and comfy and playing ball on demand or letting her watch her favourite shows, if only to have her run up to me, put her little arms around my neck and give me a huge wet kiss on the lips.

The stressful moments are forgotten at one simple smile or word or hug (or ''ag!" as she would say it).

But it's not easy.

There are times when I feel like I'm going to drop to the floor at the end of each day. Times when Epol walks in the door only to have me hand Hana over immediately before he can even recuperate from work.

Times when we argue over how to discipline, how to feed her, how to cook for her. I have my ways and he has his. She's too young to be disciplined. If we don't discipline her now, she's going to get spoiled. She can't eat those cookies, she won't be able to sleep later. Yes but she deserves a treat every now and then.

There are times when we can't seem to agree on anything.

And yet it's the most fulfilling thing I've ever done.

There are days when I can't wait to have my mother babysit her so I can concentrate on my studies.

And yet I miss her 5 minutes after she leaves the house with daddy.

Maybe it's the hugs she gave me before she left, or those kisses, or the way she kissed my hand after 'salam-ing' it, or that flying kiss she sent my way right before entering the lifts. Perhaps it's even the adorable way she says "Bye bye Mama!" repeatedly. But I miss her.

Still, it's not easy.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Hitting a Brick Wall

I have to say this.

I hate where I am, academically. I had a chance for something big but I blew it and now I'm stuck at square one, unable to progress anywhere.

People always say that when you're a postgraduate, you have to fend for yourself, nobody is gonna help you if you don't help yourselves. Your supervisor is there but you have to do everything. They're just there to observe.

I disagree. I say that if we were so capable of producing research papers on our own, why would we even need to enroll in a university? Why pay thousands each semester just to do everything on our own?

I don't think supervisors should sit back and wait for our progress. I think they should check, be concerned, yell if they have to.

Why need universities if that's what PG is all about? Suffice to have a board that's in charge of going through these papers. Just send it in, present and that's it. Pay a submission fee.

Supervisors get paid to lead and help and assist in any way they can. Why leave students hanging in the wind with no direction to go?

At this point in time, I want nothing more than to just cry, cry and cry. And quit. Time is running out and I just wanna run off and forget I even had this stupid idea in the first place.