Where am I Headed?

This past weekend was basically spent catching up with old friends. One had just graduated and is now home after spending 3 years abroad and another one had just decided to take the next step.

Talking to them, I realised that they have both lined up their plans so nicely in front of them. They're both going somewhere. One has a great career up ahead, and has a 5-year plan - save money, send his parents off for Haji, and then pursue his Masters degree locally with the possibility of taking a job abroad after a few years.

The other one already has a pretty good career, is already planning for the next step, and also has the opportunity to advance his career abroad.

Where does that leave me? I love the course I'm taking right now, but realistically speaking, the one thing I've learnt is that the industry I've got myself in is not a strong one in Malaysia. I would love to try and get experience in a country which is way more advanced in this particular industry, but would they even consider someone like me?

Growing up, I always thought I'd be somebody, that I'd make a change. In fact, I always talked about it with one of the friends that I mentioned earlier. We used to discuss how we'd like to be different and not be afraid to follow our dreams.

It seems to me that he's really on his way.

And as happy as I am where I'm standing right now, a part of me thinks that it's not really enough for me. Not just yet.

Doli Kuey Tiaow Goreng, TTDI

First of all the service sucks.

The wait for your food is interminable. I mean, please lah. The woman at the cafe in UM cooked my mihun goreng in under 2 minutes.

Plus, when Epol wanted to order another dish for my mom-in-law, who was at the next shop buying stuff, the waiter had the gall to say "tak boleh buat la bang."

Now, there was a confusion. We actually thought he couldn't make "mi mihun goreng", as in tak boleh mix the noodles, which was ridiculous la. I mean, since when is throwing in an extra handful of mihun to your mi goreng rocket science? We looked at him and asked "kenapa tak boleh campur?"

and he replied "bukan tak boleh campur. memang tukang masak tak boleh buat. ramai orang." Which meant that the little f*cker was refusing our order as if he worked at a 5 star hotel restaurant.

"huh? kenapa pulak?"

and this is the killer. He actually said "Kalau abang nak jugak, tanya la sendiri kat dia"

Ok.

Sejak bila is it my friggin job to do your friggin job for you? You're the friggin waiter. kau pegi la tanya. bodoh ke apa? RUDE RUDE asshole. Finally, he went over to converse with (what i presume) the more experienced waiter and the tukang masak, and came back and took the bloody order anyway.

PLUS, When he sent the drinks, one of them kinda sloshed over on to the table. absolutely no move to either apologize or wipe it clean despite the fact that it was his bloody fault.


Now, let's talk about the food. I'd say average. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it. In fact, it was pretty good.

But it was not worth the crap you have to go through to get it.

My overall rating? 1 out of 5 stars.

And trust me, I'm being generous here.

Of censors

You know, for a country that sensors "love's suicide" from a song because... well.. I dunno, I guess I reckon they're trying to discourage people from committing suicide. And words like "gun" and a string of other totally random, in-my-personal-opinion harmless phrases that no one would even think twice about, it's weird that Rihanna's song "Rude Boy" is allowed to play freely everyday on the radio.

I mean, c'mon.

Come here rude boy, boy, can you get it up?
Come here rude boy, boy, is you big enough?

For the completely obtuse *cough*censorshipboard*cough*,

in the first line, she's asking the uncouth young man if he can get a boner, and in the second, she's asking him if his d*ck is big enough.

I personally don't really have anything against the song.

I just find it ironic and hypocritical that these kinda songs keep making it through completely untouched, while others that don't talk about having dirty sex with random strangers get butchered to pieces.

Go figure.

Stressed OUT

These past few weeks have been seriously, seriously stressful for me. Assignments, assignments and MORE assignments. Thankfully, I submitted my penultimate one yesterday. On to the last one.

Masalahnye I don't understand it one bit, boleh? It's friggin frustrating for me right now. I humbly admit here that when it comes to formal situations, my BM memang teruk. I can speak fluently, as long as it's informal. Bahasa pasar memang senang lah, I grew up with it what kan? But when I have to write in BM for assignments, or even read scholarly BM articles, I fail. Bukan langsung tak faham lah. Faham, tapi slow. geddit?

And because the last assignment I did with this particular partner was in English, and her English isn't good, we decided to do this one in BM. The problem is, I'm not sure who doesn't understand the concept here - me or her. I'm not sure if she did it right tapi I'm the one yang bebal takleh nak faham at all, or she understands something different from what the lecturer wants and the work that she started doing is wrong. Macam mana nak sambungkan or betulkan if I don't understand it at all? Btw, in no way am I trying to put my partner down, I'm just trying to vent my frustrations at the assignment/miscommunication (?) here.

Sigh.

On to Better Things

After 5 years, I've decided to put on the tudung again. I've had my share of perceived fun and freedom (and it's true, a non tudung wearer does have more fun and a lot more freedom compared to someone who does) but now I'm married (almost 3 years) and we're trying to conceive and if I intend on being a role model to my kids, something has to change.

The decision didn't come easy, though. I thought hard about it over almost two months. The desire came sometime in the beginning of Ramadhan, but I wasn't sure. As most people who knows me are aware, I used to wear the tudung for a while, but decided to take it off. I did not want history to repeat itself, and so I decided to sit on it.
There were some things I thought I wanted to do first before I did it.

I know some would say that that type of change doesn't come from the heart. That to be truly 'ikhlas' I should have just woken up one day and done it without thinking about anything else. I disagree. I know myself. When it comes to decisions, my strongest comes after a lot of thinking, not a spur of the moment thing. Honestly, been there, done that. I was at Matriculation and I had to put on the tudung, and I just thought "I'm just gonna put it on, since I already have it on". Clearly, that didn't work and my decision was shortlived. So here, I want to clarify for anyone who might think that my decision is not ikhlas, I believe that mine was very much so, simply because I deemed it too important to just do. Simply because I wanted to think about it and deliberate, and BE ABSOLUTELY SURE. And now I am.

I never ever anticipated the overwhelming response I received: From my husband, mom and my sisters, to my mother-in-law, to two of my best friends, Baya and Julie (who, coincidentally, was struggling to make the same decisions as well) and to an unexpected source of encouragement, someone who I had just met sometime in July, Adnin.

I received links, support, encouragement, shopping trips and styling tips. And all this was before I put it on!

And when I finally made this decision, I received compliments and hugs. Although I was terrified and worried that I wouldn't be able to cope, the support I received has made me even surer than ever that this is the path I want to and should take.

Hopefully, with this change, I'm moving on to better things.

The reason why I'm FAT.

A few months ago, I was diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). In layman's terms, PCOS is a condition where a woman's (mine, specifically)develops many little cysts in them. This, for some reason or other, increases my testosterone levels, making me prone to acne and multiple other horrible symptoms.

It also increases my tolerance to insulin, heightens my chances of diabetes as well as increases my weight, and MAKES IT A TOTAL BITCH FOR ME TO LOSE ANY. Oh, did I also mention that it makes it difficult for me to conceive? Yep, that's cuz I don't get my period regularly. My last cycle extended for about, oh, 88 days more or less? EIGHTY EIGHT FRICKING DAYS.

How do I decrease these symptoms?

1. Take birth control pills
2. Lose weight
3. Get pregnant

Number 1 is out of the question. We're TTC.

Number 2 and 3, well there's just a bit of a problem: PCOS makes it difficult for me to lose weight, AND it makes it difficult for me to get pregnant.

So why did I choose to share this little fact in my blog? No, it's not to lament over how horrible my life is because, really, my life is good.

I'm just tired of people making fat jokes around me as if it will not hurt. Let me tell you something: IT DOES. Yes, little miss sensitive me, well blame it on my hormones, since they're all topsy turvy.

Just in case you people who find it a total delight in letting me know something that I don't need to hear because I already see myself in the friggin mirror every single day didn't know: For 6 months before Ramadhan, I exercised like crazy. Swimming 10-20 laps one day and going to the gym for at least an hour the next. I also cut my food intake in half, and ate regular meals, cut down on fried food, carbs, and only drank plain water.

I did not lose a single kilo until, because of th fasting month, I stopped. No, you have no idea how HARD I worked and how frustrating it was to step onto that scale at the end of each week and not see any results whatsoever.

And then go out and have people jokingly asking me how far along I am in my pregnancy, asking me how much I eat, making fat jokes and telling me i need to lose weight.

I'M TRYING.

So leave me the fuck alone, and maybe I'll actually get the motivation to do it on my own instead of being filled with stress from all your condescending, smug, "witty" comments aimed at my weight.

You wouldn't like it if I did it to you, so friggin STOP DOING IT TO ME.

And seriously, you know, it's not just me. I've got friends, who, in my eyes are perfect just the way they are. They're beautiful, and yet some asshole comes along and tells them they look fat just for shits and giggles and now they're OBSESSED with losing weight despite the fact that they're perfectly beautiful.

TAKDE KERJA LAIN KE?

Let me ask you a question:

Is your life really so horrible that you need to make others feel bad about themselves for you to feel better about yourself?

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Thoughts

There are a lot of things I need to think about, a lot of changes I need to make. I've already started on one of them, and thankfully, one of my best friends is right there along with me, making the exact same change to her life.

As for others, well, I guess I have to take them one step at a time, starting with finishing my 16 credit hours.

New Policy

Seriously. How can you claim someone is your bff and then at the same time spread total lies about them? and then YOU'RE talking about suing someone for embarassing you? Do you have ANY idea what we can do to YOU for your libelous claims, you big fat joke of a liar?

My husband has never IN HIS LIFE tasted even a drop of alcohol, and has absolutely never done drugs. Unlike you, he DOES NOT consider break ups to be the end of his life. Get that into your thick head, and I seriously hope you never, EVER contact us again. You can take that bff and those "M***** for life" claims you so proudly tote around and shove them up your ass.

And so, I have a new policy. Toxic people don't belong in my life. Not only did I delete and block you from any social networks I still had you on, you are also officially deleted and blocked from our lives.

Of Setting Good Examples

This is a true story.

A Malaysian woman married a English man, and her being muslim, the man, of course, converted to Islam and the newlyweds moved to UK to start a new life. The early years were wonderful for them. The man was a good convert. Sure, he converted for love and marriage, but he became a good muslim. He prayed five times a day, fasted during Ramadhan and took good care of his wife. HE WAS A GOOD MUSLIM.

And then they came back to Malaysia, because he was on a business trip. As customary with business trips, he had to entertain some clients at a bar. He wasn't going to drink. He didn't drink. After all, he was a good muslim.

At the entrance to the bar, he noticed some Malay men walking in. A few had been sent by what looked like their wives, judging by the fact that they salam-ed the husbands before they went off.

And then what did the men do? They walked into the bar, where there were several callgirls waiting. They each chose one callgirl, sat down, ordered more alcohol than most of the other tables which were filled with non-muslims, and, according to his words "did very very disgusting things with the girls".

He came home furious. And told his wife "I'm not doing anything you tell me to do in Islam anymore!"

She was shocked and wanted to know why. So he told her what he saw, and he said "I don't want to become like those men"

Sure, you could say that these men are the minority and that he should know better than to think he would become like them. You could tell him that there are good and bad muslims, that he should strive to be like the good ones, not neglect the religion just because a few bad apples decided to be idiots.

But the fact remains. He was a good muslim. And then he saw the born-muslims commit those sinful, disgusting acts. These same men probably pray 5 times a day, and fast (or at least pretend to) during Ramadhan. I mean, why not? I've seen people who never fail to pray when they're supposed to and preach and preach and preach and then turn around, go to clubs and drink to their heart's content. So why not? And the fact remains that this man did not want to be like these born muslims.

And so he stopped praying. Stopped fasting. Stopped being a good muslim.

Talk about setting good examples.

disclaimer: this post has nothing to do with me agreeing to the non-muslim lifestyle. I'm a proud and practicing muslim. I try my best to pray 5 times a day, I don't drink, I don't eat pork.

All I'm trying to say here is that if we want others to understand our religion and want to know more about it, we have to show a better example, lest we turn more people off.