How do people manage to plan their lives so carefully? Some of the people I know have their whole future cut out for them in neat little cake-pieces. Pure science in forms four and five with amazing results for SPM. Medicine in the UK or Indonesia or India. Get married at 25. Move to Australia and practice medicine there. Specialise. Kids at 28.
My whole life has been unplanned, one surprise after another. I took sub-science in form four and physical science matriculation as soon as my SPM results came out, did above average, but discovered that the only thing I liked about science is math. Maybe I should have gotten a clue then and taken actuarial science or something, but I thought I loved the language more. Besides, I went to UiTM and took TESL with the very noble intention of teaching that which I love so much to other people so they could see the beauty of the language. Somewhere along the way, I found out that I was really bad at teaching and even better at writing. I met someone and got married, which was not in my "plans" as screwed up as they were. I always envisioned myself being a career woman and all successful before I got married, but here I am, still a fresh graduate, still looking to make life-changing decisions, but married already.
I enjoy writing. And yet, at work, watching all these economic and financial news, something in me stirred and I got really interested in all the numbers again. I started wondering to myself if I made a mistake in taking TESL, if I should have done something to do with math and gone into banking instead. But then if I did, I probably wouldn't have met the one man who I'd jump into marriage so fast with. I wouldn't have met the person who I can just cuddle with and not talk at all and be content. The person with whom I can strike up any old mundane topic and still have a great conversation.
24 is looming, just around the corner, in fact, and yet I am still a big huge mess. Trying to figure out what to do if I nail this next interview. If I want to wait for something better, or just go with it. If it's going to lead me where I want to be, or just have that potential to keep me there, wondering when I'll ever get out.
I watch those planners live out their lives, eating those neat little pieces with a fork. Cutting each piece up into even neater, smaller pieces before putting it in their mouths and they look happy and fulfilled and it seems as if they ARE going where they've planned.
Me, I'm just hanging on to this solero-shot of a life which takes me up and down and up and down so fast that those moments sometimes make my stomach turn and do flip flops in my belly.
Cheesy as it sounds, even though I would not be going through a lot of the dark spots in my life had I not gotten married, I know I wouldn't have gone through any of the bright spots either. And somehow, those bright spots outshine the dark ones so much so that just being with him, being together with this great person, I know I can get through everything. Having him be so confident and so sure of my abilities. Him just being there when things get tough. My practicum, my AE, I wouldn't have gotten through them as well as I did had he not been there with me all the while.
So I guess those people can keep their neat little cake-pieces and their coordinated, planned lives. Mine is a mess, but it's a beautiful mess. And someday, I think I'll turn out fine, because no matter what, I have him by my side.
No comments:
Post a Comment