Biadab

Yesterday, while I was at Sunway Pyramid with my besties, an appalling incident happened right before our eyes. We were approaching the escalators to go up at the time. From the corner of my eye, I noticed that a man with a shopping cart had just gotten off the escalator which led up to the floor we were on. Right behind him were three little children. He was too busy texting on his phone to take care of them, so I'm guessing his wife was watching out for them from behind.

His wife reached the floor, and she was pushing another shopping cart. I guess between watching out for the children and trying to take care of the shopping cart at the same time, she must've fumbled, because the cart tipped over with a LOUD *CRASH*

The husband turns around, just looks at the wife without any attempt of rushing over to help and says "BODOH LA KAU NI! BANGANG LA KAU NI!" really really loudly, within earshot of at least 5 or 6 people (including us).

With a shocked and (in my opinion) a slightly scared look on her face, she quietly picks up the cart and wheels it over to her husband. From where we were standing, it looked like he was still talking to her, but she seemed to be quiet all the way through.

The three of us just gaped at him. This, my dear friends, is what we call "Emotional Abuse". Kalau nak kata dia physically abuse wife dia, takut memfitnah pulak kan? But emotionally, memang nampak sangat la, kalau depan orang ramai pun senang je dia bodoh bangangkan wife dia, dekat rumah macam mana agaknye ye?

Picture taken from InvisibleViolence

Seriously, dulu masa kau kawin dengan dia mesti beriya2 cakap dengan mak bapak dia yang kau akan jaga dia elok2 kan? Sekarang?

Kot ye pun tak puas hati dengan isteri kau, tak boleh cakap in private? Kena ke maki dia depan2 orang lain? Jatuhkan air muka dia?

And another thing, what kind of example are you setting for your kids? Nanti dah besar mak dia buat salah sikit senang je la kan, dia panggil mak dia "bodoh", "bangang", after all, you seem to do it without a slight bit of remorse pon.

Biadab.

Quarter of a Century

I turn 25 today. You'd think I'd feel a bit more mature. You'd think I'd have gained a bit more confidence in myself after having gone through 25 years of macam-macam.

I don't really. I still feel like the awkward, unsure little girl who stepped out of high school, into university 6 years ago. Who stepped onto the stage to receive my scroll a year back. I don't feel any wiser.

I'm still me :)

Things I Don't Get To Say

I've always been pretty introverted. I don't find pleasure in telling the whole wide world how I feel about things. When someone does something that angers me or makes me uncomfortable, I usually keep it in because I don't like confrontations. In fact, I used to spend my whole life running away from such things.

Lately, I've been trying to change that about myself. Sometimes, it's better to make yourself heard and risk hurting people than it is to just keep quiet and let others hurt you again and again. At the very least, they know how you feel.

But then there are just some things I still don't get to say. With certain people, I bite my tongue because I know the consequences of letting my mouth run would be too grave to even consider.

But I still hate it when someone tries to make me into a puppet. When they pull on the invisible strings that they somehow attached to my mind and body and make me do things for their benefit. I hate it when someone uses me in order to get to someone else and make them do exactly what they'd like them to do.

I'm not a puppet, not a doll, not your dog. I am a human being, with feelings, desires and my own brain, which I use to determine what is right and wrong by my own standards, which I have been taught to do by my parents. And I believe that what my parents have taught me are wonderful things that are to be praised, not ignore. They taught me to respect, which is why I hold my tongue. They taught me about free will, which is why they have never forced me to do anything that I don't want to do. They've taught me really well.

So I don't think there is any need for anyone to come waltzing into my life and deciding that they've got the right to control in according to their whims and fancies. I am who I am, and maybe some people should respect that as much as I respect and love them.

So true...

I saw this among my friend's pictures on facebook. I guess it calls out to me at this moment in time, because of how I'm feeling. This is for me, and G, and anyone else who's going through unnecessary stress due to what life is throwing at us.

I used to think that these kind of people didn't exist in my life. Now I know that I'm wrong. One of them is about to make a huge transition, something we all hope she will change her mind about, but will be there for her nevertheless.

Hafiz, if you chance upon this blog, I saw this and I just had to post it up. Credits to you.

Of Convocations and Loved Ones

Yesterday, my little sister had her convocation at the same place that I will be having mine. I couldn't attend. Firstly, I wasn't an invitee (only two places) and secondly, I had work. I am not confirmed yet, and although I'm allowed to take leave, I'm not comfortable with taking more than one day off for my own convocation next week.

Today, she told me a really sad story. Apparently, one of the graduates had passed on, and yesterday, arwah's mother got up on stage to receive the scroll on their behalf. I thought it was so brave of her to go up there, to see all those other graduates happily receiving their own scrolls, to watch them hugging and taking pictures with their own parents. How she must've seen her son/daughter everywhere, wishing so badly that she was that mom hugging her son/daughter. Or that parent, taking a picture of her child in full convo regalia.

I feel so blessed to still be here. To still have my parents here. To be able to see their proud faces as I step onto that stage. I feel blessed to have such wonderful friends who are graduating along with me, and to have those wishing me well and being happy for me from afar.

I listened to the story of the mother who was so proud of her child that she just had to come and receive that scroll, even though seeing everyone else so happy would break her heart, and I am humbled. Because everything we have could be dragged out from under our feet in an instance, just with a blink.

And yes, I am extremely proud of my little sister, Sharina, and wish that I could have been there to see her up on that stage.

Changes

A few days ago, someone contacted me and said that she wanted to interview me about my blog for her Master's Thesis. I decided to do it. I mean, who knows right? In the future, I might need the very same help. :)

Anyway, she asked me if I noticed any changes throughout the blog, and I must say I do, now that I've really gone through all my entries. My old entries were full of disappointment and anger. It's a part of me that I don't really like, because I'd always be full of pessimism about life and about other people. Not an excuse, but I was going through a difficult time of trying to get through my last semester, the drama that came with it as well as the academic exercise that plagued my mind for months on end.

Nowadays, I would say that my posts are a little more lighthearted. I'm inclined to laugh a lot of things off, and I'm glad for it. It really doesn't mean I don't feel the disappointment that life hands over to me. It just means that I'm able to look at them more positively. For instance, I didn't get that job I've been dreaming of. I cried about it to my husband for a while, but then I realise that some day, I will get another opportunity. Something that might prove to give me better experiences than what this one was supposed to bring.

So yes Mia, I do notice a change in the way I blog. Thanks for helping me notice it. Hehe.

Of Results, Decisions and the Future

Lately, a lot of good things seem to be coming to me. I am caught in a bubble of excitement and happiness and satisfaction, and yet in a way, it's making me even more confused about my choices in life.

I know I've blogged about this before, but now that I know i might be able to get somewhere, there seems to be so many places to go to. And ALL of them appeal to me and I realise that I just cannot afford to make the wrong decision right now.

Suddenly, the complications of life is rushing towards me in a manner that makes me feel as if I'm about to get hit by a really large bus. And I still have no idea what to do. The choices and opportunities I have are massive and yet I have to choose very carefully or I risk taking the wrong step and botching my life up.

It's easy for other people to give me advice:

Be a lecturer. It's easy. You get good pay and when the students are on leave, you get leave too.

Bear in mind that the people saying this aren't lecturers. Also, this isn't my first choice, since I really have no intention of teaching despite the course I took. As someone once said "For most people, the degree is just a way for them to get a job"

Continue your studies! This way, you don't lose your momentum. And it's WAAAYYY easier to get financial support, especially with your results. You can lobby for a scholarship

I WANT to do this. Only one problem. I'm slightly tired of studying. Really.

Work first. You can always continue later. If you continue now then you won't have the experience you need to do your dissertation. Also, your perceptions will have changed and it will be easier for you

Sigh.

See, I have a plan. Sorta. But when I tell someone (read: a person who thinks they have WAY more experience and knowledge than I do and is superior in every way) I can see their reactions. They work hard to maintain their politeness when they ask me the question "Why?" And honestly, I see the way they struggle to understand my reasons and I can practically FEEL them chucking it out of their minds just the way they do with trash.

And then, disregarding everything I've just said, they give their reasons (the bold words above) as to why I SHOULD continue my studies/work/be a lecturer NOW NOW NOW.

Dearest Makcik/Pakcik/Aunty/Uncle:

I appreciate your advice, I really do. But right now I am confused. And I know you're just trying to make me un-confused, but really, you're not. Somehow, I feel this expectation put upon my humble shoulders and that should I pursue a course different to the one that you've recommended, then I will somehow or other disappoint and hurt you. I don't intend to, please bear that in mind. I just want to do this for myself, not for you or any other person. I want to chart my own course in life and I want to be happy doing it, and if I try to please all of you, I doubt I will be.

So I will take your advice into careful consideration and decide for myself what is right and what it wrong, and always know that whatever I choose for myself, I CHOSE IT. No one else. And with that, I will bear all responsibilities and consequences as results of my actions.

Thank you.

So, time to close my eyes and take a HUGE leap of faith. Wish me luck.

All Done.

I finished my last paper yesterday. It felt slightly anti-climactic. We finished the paper and people went home. And that was it.

I've slightly mixed feelings. I feel sad because I won't be seeing some of these people who I just got to know despite almost 4 years of being class/coursemates. Of course, not to mention those I'm close to and HAVE BEEN there for me for all these years no matter what. And at the same time, I'm happy that I'm almost done with fulfilling my own requirement. I'm enthusiastic about the fact that dramas with divas will soon be part of a past that I'd rather not want to go back to. I'm happy that I won't go through all the hypocrisy anymore.

It feels really scary, leaving my comfort zone. It's weird that I say that now, but I've come to realise that the faculty (more like the familiar faces around it, actually) has actually become part of my comfort zone.

So what now?
Onwards and forwards with life I guess.