Lately, a lot of good things seem to be coming to me. I am caught in a bubble of excitement and happiness and satisfaction, and yet in a way, it's making me even more confused about my choices in life.
I know I've blogged about this before, but now that I know i might be able to get somewhere, there seems to be so many places to go to. And ALL of them appeal to me and I realise that I just cannot afford to make the wrong decision right now.
Suddenly, the complications of life is rushing towards me in a manner that makes me feel as if I'm about to get hit by a really large bus. And I still have no idea what to do. The choices and opportunities I have are massive and yet I have to choose very carefully or I risk taking the wrong step and botching my life up.
It's easy for other people to give me advice:
Be a lecturer. It's easy. You get good pay and when the students are on leave, you get leave too.
Bear in mind that the people saying this aren't lecturers. Also, this isn't my first choice, since I really have no intention of teaching despite the course I took. As someone once said "For most people, the degree is just a way for them to get a job"
Continue your studies! This way, you don't lose your momentum. And it's WAAAYYY easier to get financial support, especially with your results. You can lobby for a scholarship
I WANT to do this. Only one problem. I'm slightly tired of studying. Really.
Work first. You can always continue later. If you continue now then you won't have the experience you need to do your dissertation. Also, your perceptions will have changed and it will be easier for you
Sigh.
See, I have a plan. Sorta. But when I tell someone (read: a person who thinks they have WAY more experience and knowledge than I do and is superior in every way) I can see their reactions. They work hard to maintain their politeness when they ask me the question "Why?" And honestly, I see the way they struggle to understand my reasons and I can practically FEEL them chucking it out of their minds just the way they do with trash.
And then, disregarding everything I've just said, they give their reasons (the bold words above) as to why I SHOULD continue my studies/work/be a lecturer NOW NOW NOW.
Dearest Makcik/Pakcik/Aunty/Uncle:
I appreciate your advice, I really do. But right now I am confused. And I know you're just trying to make me un-confused, but really, you're not. Somehow, I feel this expectation put upon my humble shoulders and that should I pursue a course different to the one that you've recommended, then I will somehow or other disappoint and hurt you. I don't intend to, please bear that in mind. I just want to do this for myself, not for you or any other person. I want to chart my own course in life and I want to be happy doing it, and if I try to please all of you, I doubt I will be.
So I will take your advice into careful consideration and decide for myself what is right and what it wrong, and always know that whatever I choose for myself, I CHOSE IT. No one else. And with that, I will bear all responsibilities and consequences as results of my actions.
Thank you.
So, time to close my eyes and take a HUGE leap of faith. Wish me luck.
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