Frenemy?

You're great friends with someone. You hang out together all the time, yet you dread seeing them sometimes because you know 8 times out of ten, the person will either tell you how fat/ugly/horrible you look in that dress. Or if you tell them stories, they reply with "Since when were you ________ (cantik/putih/cute/kurus- fill in the blank)". Sakit tak hati? Sakit kot, tetiap kali jumpa kena kutuk kaw-kaw punye...

I mean, you know it's bad when people (yours truly) who have never worried about their weight start thinking they're fat. Padahal takde pun gemuk, if I calculate my BMI. In fact, I went for a blood test and I'm actually quite healthy, but I look in the mirror every day and ask my husband if he thinks I'm fat.

Seriously, sakit hati ok, everty time someone makes those kind of comments. Kalau constructive takpe jugak, tapi comment tu memang sengaja nak sakitkan hati aku. Taula orang lain joke kau pon nak joke jugak tapi isu2 sensitif ni jangan sentuh bleh tak? kalau aku cakap ko pun gemuk, makan banyak, ko pun tersentap kan?

Ermm, ok, enough of the emo-ness... If you think you might have a friend like this but have no idea how to determine if he/she really is a frenemy, read on...

How to Spot a Frenemy

Step1

Understand frenemy variations. Frenemies can range from calculatingly callous and manipulative to obliviously selfish and unkind. Just because a person doesn't "mean" to be mean doesn't erase the hurtful impact. Sometimes an unaware insult is more damaging than a deliberate jab.

Step2

Pay attention to how you act in the presence of your potential frenemy. Do you recoil at the thought of spending time with her? Do you clam up whenever he comes around? Do you often talk bad about her to others? Do you feel competitive when he discusses work, hobbies, love life or finances? If you continually act less than the highest, most loving, centered version of yourself when the two of you get together, take note. A frenemy may be in your midst.

Step3

Trust your initial reactions. The first feelings we have about people and situations are the most accurate. These pure, uncensored observations give us all the information we need to classify somebody as a frenemy. You do yourself a disservice (not to mention set yourself up for more abuse) by analyzing interactions, questioning whether or not you are being too sensitive or making excuses for why a person behaves the way they do. If you feel like you've just received an emotional kick in the gut, then you have just received an emotional kick in the gut. No analysis needed!

Step4

Look for patterns. If somebody lets you down or acts insensitively on occasion, that doesn't necessarily qualify him or her for frenemy status. Humans are flawed and friendships inevitably follow suit. On the other hand, a person who continually uses you for his or her personal agenda, dishes out insults, breaks promises, ignores your requests or manipulates you with passive-aggressive behavior goes beyond the acceptable friendship margin of error.

Step5

Acknowledge your paradoxical feelings. Frenemies are hard to decipher because most of the time they have as many, if not more, positive qualities than negative ones. Frenemies will often share your interests and values; if you didn't have these things in common, it would be easy to qualify your frenemies as enemies and move them off your emotional radar entirely. Love-hate relationships are typical for frenemies.

Step6

Compare and contrast. When trying to decide if a friend is actually a frenemy, weigh the person in question against somebody who you know with complete certainty is a friend. Personality traits become more apparent when viewed this way.

Step7

Seek validation. If you can't sort it out, talk to a trusted friend or mentor. Perspective from a third party can help you get clear about the nature of your mucky, indefinable relationships.