I am currently in a state of confusion and fear. I know that many others have had it worse. I'm not saying that mine is the worst it will ever get. In fact, I'm very VERY aware that mine is probably the most minuscule that it can get.
But that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be scared of what's happening. It makes me miserable to know that I'm making the people I love worry and that a certain someone has to spend all his hard earned cash making sure that I'm okay when he should certainly be able to afford things for himself.
If I don't do it, it doesn't just have an impact on me alone. Other people get hurt too. But I'm so tired and I don't feel like going through all that again. People have been telling me "Don't worry la, it'll be fine, You'll be ok." I know they all think it's comforting when someone says that to you, but honestly, it's not. It makes me feel kinda stupid and silly, as if I have no reason to worry about myself, just because everybody tells me not to. But here's the reality: It hurts, some days worse than others and the fact that I fainted in class in front of my students because of this is something so embarrassing to me that I feel so ashamed to ever see them again. And simply put, I'm scared. And when people tell me not to worry, that it's nothing, it makes me feel as if I'm being overly paranoid.
Anyway, I'll be going in for an operation late March.
In other news, I managed to cook Mi Hailam yesterday. Heh. I know it's one of the simplest dishes ever, but I'm still proud of myself because I managed to make it taste exactly like Cik's (imho, the best cook in the world) even though I didn't have all of the ingredients she uses to make it.
I substituted corn flour for tomatoes (they work just fine thickening the sauce and they give it a very slight sweet-sour-ish taste) the chicken and prawns with chicken meatballs and the sawi with bayam. Like my mom said when I told her "You discovered an economical way to make mi hailam!" LOL.
Epol loved it and suggested that I make some for his mom :)
Ok dah.
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