.

Tak terkata.
Tapi mengapa?
Pabila ombak menghempas
Angin menderu
Lancang.

Mengapa?
seakan hanyut dibawa arus
hilang entah kemana
seperti dihimpit dek batu dongengan
dilenyek. digilis.

Di mana ia pergi ketika itu?
Tak terkata.

You just can't please everyone

When you put up photos after photos of your child, and each update is about them, people start saying that you don't have a life. "Orang lain pun sayang anak, takdela over hari2 letak gambar. Menyampah aku."

When you don't put up photos of your child, people contest your love for them.

You just can't win. So what do you do?

Whatever the hell you want :D

What it means to be a mother

1. Being able to change your body clock to fit your child's.

I used to wake up at around 10 in the morning, and go to sleep pretty darn late. Hana wakes up at 7 and basically goes to sleep whenever the heck she wants. Before you start commenting on how I should get her used to sleeping at a certain time, I do try, my dears. Usually, by 9, she's bathed/freshened up, had dinner, and is on her sleeping chair, chugging a bottle of milk, with her pacifier in her other hand. Sometimes, she falls asleep immediately, sometimes, about half an hour later. And then there are times when it's already 12 o'clock and we've already taken several turns trying to put her to sleep, but she still managed to widen those cute little eyes and smile at us cheekily.

No matter what, she still wakes up at 7am.

2. Being able to take insensitive comments in stride

This is something that I still need to learn. Most of these comments are well meaning, but I cannot help thinking that they're a slight to me as a mother and my husband as Hana's father. Comments like "I think she's sleepy"-really? I would never have guessed, judging from how she rubs her eyes.

3. Putting your child first

Holding in that pee because there's an emergency and your baby needs you now now now.

4. Putting yourself first

I know this is contradicting with the previous one, but this is actually quite important. I find myself having days when I forget to eat OR drink anything at all until my husband comes back at 7 o'clock because the day has been too hectic.

I never thought of this as a problem until a friend of mine, upon hearing this, asked me "But how are you going to take care of your baby if you don't out yourself first sometimes? What if you get sick?" And I realised that I was definitely doing things wrong.

It's been a hectic morning and since Hana is off with her Daddy rectifying the emergencies we had today, this is about all I can muster for now. I'll add to this list when I think of more things.

Sheep

Me: Old Macdonald had a farm, eeya eeya ohhh, and on that farm he had a sheep, eeya eeya ohh, with a baa baa here and a baa baa there

Hana: bahaha! baha! Shit!

Me: No Hana, it's sheeeeeep. sheeeep! Baaa, sheep!

Hana: bahahahahaa! bahahaha! sheeet! shit!

I'm in trouble. T_T

Bringing in the New Year

Happy New Year!

Last night was a sleepless one for me. I tossed and turned, worrying about me thesis, and, with only a year and a half left, I've been doubting myself, wondering if I will ever complete this daunting task. If all my efforts will be for naught. 

And so I am determined to do something about it this time. Hopefully, a complete proposal AT LEAST by the first quarter. I'm gonna try my hardest to finish this by the end of this year. And if that means I miss out on the phD or the scholarship, then so be it.

My past efforts are too valuable to throw away chasing something that will eventually come in due time.

And this is my only resolution.