The Past, Present and Future

Someone from the past came back into my life a few days ago. I'm happy to say that I managed to put it all behind us and accept what happened as fate leading me to another direction. And I'm comfortable with where going right now, and the person I'm going with. :)

Currently, my appetite has returned with a huge boom! Ermm, not exactly. I can eat a full meal now, but I no longer feel hungry every 2 hours, and the portions that I'm able to eat are enough that I don't feel like a pig. That probably means that my hormone levels are back to normal :). I've started swimming again, which is great because I need some exercise after the ridiculously long recovery time from the first surgery.

I'm also happy to say that we've decided to start a little family of our own. However, due to the near future plans, which we've already put cash into, it's gonna have to wait until at least a few months more. Till then, I have Langkawi to look forward to, and hopefully, my masters in a few months time, assuming I get accepted.

Life is great.

Things I Don't Get To Say

I've always been pretty introverted. I don't find pleasure in telling the whole wide world how I feel about things. When someone does something that angers me or makes me uncomfortable, I usually keep it in because I don't like confrontations. In fact, I used to spend my whole life running away from such things.

Lately, I've been trying to change that about myself. Sometimes, it's better to make yourself heard and risk hurting people than it is to just keep quiet and let others hurt you again and again. At the very least, they know how you feel.

But then there are just some things I still don't get to say. With certain people, I bite my tongue because I know the consequences of letting my mouth run would be too grave to even consider.

But I still hate it when someone tries to make me into a puppet. When they pull on the invisible strings that they somehow attached to my mind and body and make me do things for their benefit. I hate it when someone uses me in order to get to someone else and make them do exactly what they'd like them to do.

I'm not a puppet, not a doll, not your dog. I am a human being, with feelings, desires and my own brain, which I use to determine what is right and wrong by my own standards, which I have been taught to do by my parents. And I believe that what my parents have taught me are wonderful things that are to be praised, not ignore. They taught me to respect, which is why I hold my tongue. They taught me about free will, which is why they have never forced me to do anything that I don't want to do. They've taught me really well.

So I don't think there is any need for anyone to come waltzing into my life and deciding that they've got the right to control in according to their whims and fancies. I am who I am, and maybe some people should respect that as much as I respect and love them.

TV Shows

A few weeks ago, my mom-in-law was telling me about a show she was addicted to on TV. Nur Kasih, katanya. Obviously at that time, dengar acuh tak acuh aje la, because I thought that I was too cool for Malay series (ayat berani mati, memang nak kena sumpah kot). No offense to anyone, but I found a lot of them cliche and plot dia somehow susah nak lari, mesti orang2 kaya yang corporate yang dengki mendengki antara satu sama lain, make up and hair wajib over the top, sampai nak tidur pun rambut 'big hair' the nanny cantik gila and make up 3 inci.

And so my mum-in-law asyikla remind me to watch because she loves it so much, but I kept putting it off, expecting the same things that are always on tv. On Raya Haji, we made our way back to my husband's kampung in Muar, and it turns out that everyone there are Nur Kasih addicts and it just so happened that they were airing the last episode that day, and everyone was excited about it so I finally decided to see what the hype was all about.

The moment I saw that the director was Kabir Bhatia, I realised the folly of my earlier judgments. I had watched Sepi earlier this year and I absolutely loved it. Similarly, Nur Kasih was indeed a wonderful tv drama.

The cinematography was awesome. I thought each scene was filmed carefully, and the effect? beautiful and breathtaking.

I loved that instead of the usual 'oh help me I'm a damsel in distress and I'm just gonna keep quiet when someone does something bad to me' protagonist, this one had spunk and while she was the poster girl for the type of woman every muslim man would want to marry, she did not let anyone step on her head and is known to deliver lines akin to a slap in the face.

I loved the storyline as well. It made me cry, laugh, smile, in fact I probably went through all the emotions I have stocked up during the whole 26 episodes. Oh and for the absolute FIRST time, I LOVED Jalaluddin Hassan's acting. First time ever. I've always thought he was ott and stiff, but this time around, it was effective enough to make me cry.

I rarely ever sing praises for Malaysian made films, but I have to admit that the quality of our films are improving a tremendous lot. I find this particular series meaningful, and, for the first time, considering this is a Malaysian made tv series, when i watched the last episode I felt the same way I usually do when I finish reading a great book or get to the end of a wonderful movie. The feeling of slight sadness that it had to end.

So, Team Aidil or Team Adam (boleh tak apply Twilight punya kat sini? ;p )?

I never get tired of looking at this...

Yes, I know a lot of people have graduated before, and I'm obviously not the pioneer of all degrees first class, but it's my pride and joy. It's something I never thought I would get (although admittedly, I failed to achieve something else I was pretty sure I would get, due to some technicality, which explains the two stars instead of three)

But yeah.

I worked hard for four years to get this, and I believe I'm entitled to little bit of narcissism and a whole lot of pride.

Changes

A few days ago, someone contacted me and said that she wanted to interview me about my blog for her Master's Thesis. I decided to do it. I mean, who knows right? In the future, I might need the very same help. :)

Anyway, she asked me if I noticed any changes throughout the blog, and I must say I do, now that I've really gone through all my entries. My old entries were full of disappointment and anger. It's a part of me that I don't really like, because I'd always be full of pessimism about life and about other people. Not an excuse, but I was going through a difficult time of trying to get through my last semester, the drama that came with it as well as the academic exercise that plagued my mind for months on end.

Nowadays, I would say that my posts are a little more lighthearted. I'm inclined to laugh a lot of things off, and I'm glad for it. It really doesn't mean I don't feel the disappointment that life hands over to me. It just means that I'm able to look at them more positively. For instance, I didn't get that job I've been dreaming of. I cried about it to my husband for a while, but then I realise that some day, I will get another opportunity. Something that might prove to give me better experiences than what this one was supposed to bring.

So yes Mia, I do notice a change in the way I blog. Thanks for helping me notice it. Hehe.

Of Results, Decisions and the Future

Lately, a lot of good things seem to be coming to me. I am caught in a bubble of excitement and happiness and satisfaction, and yet in a way, it's making me even more confused about my choices in life.

I know I've blogged about this before, but now that I know i might be able to get somewhere, there seems to be so many places to go to. And ALL of them appeal to me and I realise that I just cannot afford to make the wrong decision right now.

Suddenly, the complications of life is rushing towards me in a manner that makes me feel as if I'm about to get hit by a really large bus. And I still have no idea what to do. The choices and opportunities I have are massive and yet I have to choose very carefully or I risk taking the wrong step and botching my life up.

It's easy for other people to give me advice:

Be a lecturer. It's easy. You get good pay and when the students are on leave, you get leave too.

Bear in mind that the people saying this aren't lecturers. Also, this isn't my first choice, since I really have no intention of teaching despite the course I took. As someone once said "For most people, the degree is just a way for them to get a job"

Continue your studies! This way, you don't lose your momentum. And it's WAAAYYY easier to get financial support, especially with your results. You can lobby for a scholarship

I WANT to do this. Only one problem. I'm slightly tired of studying. Really.

Work first. You can always continue later. If you continue now then you won't have the experience you need to do your dissertation. Also, your perceptions will have changed and it will be easier for you

Sigh.

See, I have a plan. Sorta. But when I tell someone (read: a person who thinks they have WAY more experience and knowledge than I do and is superior in every way) I can see their reactions. They work hard to maintain their politeness when they ask me the question "Why?" And honestly, I see the way they struggle to understand my reasons and I can practically FEEL them chucking it out of their minds just the way they do with trash.

And then, disregarding everything I've just said, they give their reasons (the bold words above) as to why I SHOULD continue my studies/work/be a lecturer NOW NOW NOW.

Dearest Makcik/Pakcik/Aunty/Uncle:

I appreciate your advice, I really do. But right now I am confused. And I know you're just trying to make me un-confused, but really, you're not. Somehow, I feel this expectation put upon my humble shoulders and that should I pursue a course different to the one that you've recommended, then I will somehow or other disappoint and hurt you. I don't intend to, please bear that in mind. I just want to do this for myself, not for you or any other person. I want to chart my own course in life and I want to be happy doing it, and if I try to please all of you, I doubt I will be.

So I will take your advice into careful consideration and decide for myself what is right and what it wrong, and always know that whatever I choose for myself, I CHOSE IT. No one else. And with that, I will bear all responsibilities and consequences as results of my actions.

Thank you.

So, time to close my eyes and take a HUGE leap of faith. Wish me luck.

Bring me Back

I want to go back to that place where I left my cares behind. Where all that existed for me at that moment in time was him, me and the beautiful bluish green waters of the South China Sea.

I want to experience that sense of freedom again, where the most important decision I had to make was where to have my next meal.

Give me that sensation of peace again. The one I felt so intensely as I was swimming around a little island with him, ungracefully aided by a little orange life vest that ultimately saved me from sunburn.

Hand me that short feeling of panic, and later, wonder, I felt at encountering those harmless, but daunting looking things that our romantic minds imagined as sharks, but in reality could have just been some enormous, exotic fishes.

Take me back to the time that I forgot the world and smiled and laughed without care, right before reality came crashing down on me.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Picture from (click)

NO!

My mom-in-law told me something funny the other day.

She's apparently taking 3rd Language Classes at some college in KL (tak payahla bagitau nama kat sini ek?). One fine weekend, as she was about to get out of the car, she saw this person from my husband's past (his ex, lah). Because she really doesn't like this person, she decided to stay in the car until the coast was clear.

What do you know, a mere week later, while she was trying to get a drink at the cafeteria, this same person walks up to her and asks "Excuse me, do I know you from somewhere?" which got her berbulu, because this girl and her had gone for extensive lunches and dinners together, and even had long conversations about how "You're so nice, auntie! *giggle2*".

I mean, seriously, macam tak logik je tak kenal kalau dah berheartfeltconversation banyak2 kali kan? nak nak kalau you've actually dated the person's son. Insulting lah bongok. Kalau dah recognise to just come by and say Hi and tanya khabar la toksah la ber "do I know you" bagai. Eksyen gila.

Anyway, at which point, my mil answered "NO!" (yes, exactly the way I typed it). This girl had the cheek to insist and insist a few (read: MANY) times that "I could have sworn I knew you from somewhere. Are you sure we haven't met before?" to which the answers were "NO!" "NO!" "I DON'T KNOW YOU!" and "NO!".

Something like this happened to me too, but with the girl's best friend (small world kot, saling kenal mengenali.

Gila lah. Hehe.

p/s: To be fair, maybe the girl got amnesia. I don't know. Wallahualam.

So there.

Reasons why I shouldn't be writing this post:

1. My research chapters 1, 2 and 3 have yet to be ammended

2. I still have my Family Counselling final project to complete by tomorrow

3. My first paper is on thursday (and NOT friday like I thought earlier. Bodoh, Zurin, Bodoh. You need to get your memory checked. Or at least your attention span.) and I haven't started revising AT ALL

4. I need to start planning the trip we're having (although no one seems to be up for it anymore)

5. I am super super busy.

Reasons why I AM writing this post.

1. I really have no idea how to redraft those chapters and frankly speaking, I have no mood to do so

2. Since the research paper is top priority, I can't get started on my final project (eceh)

3. Since the research paper is top priprity and the final project is priority no.2, I can't start studying yet (alasan bongok)

4. No one seems to be up for the trip anymore

5. I don't WANT to be super busy. It means I don't get enough sleep and I stuff my face because I work my brain all day and I get hungry really really fast.

Conclusion:

GOD, I'll be glad when this is OVER.

Gambar pagi raya haritu.





-Edited with www.picnik.com

Lalalalalalala....

Half of my thesis got rejected and I have yet to do the other half since I've been swamped with other assignments. Does that mean that

a) My thesis is 0% complete; and
b) That I'm quite dead?

I think so lah.

*post orang dah nak dapat nervous break down.

Some people say...

... that it's easier to work with strangers than it is with friends...
To my surprise, I now agree with the statement.

Being Married

It's been 10 months, going on 11, yet it still feels new. I find out new things about him everyday, and in the process, I'm also getting to know myself a little better. It's weird how I kept saying that I didn't need anyone to define who I am, but being married to someone who is able to complement me, it seems that I've only just started discovering who I am.

Little by little, I've learned things and changed my priorities. Some things that I never thought I would be, I now am, and things that I thought would happen to me somehow never came up. At least, not yet, anyway. I take the bad in with the good. Our lives are not perfect. We have arguments, and I have my moments of idiocy, but I find that having someone understand me, or at least try so hard to do so is something that's so refreshing and wonderful.

Sometimes, insecurities come out, and things that used to be alright while we were dating is suddenly not alright anymore. Alhamdulillah, though, we've both been able to adapt to the changes so far without much of a struggle.

People say that the first year of marriage is one of the toughest. It's been a breeze, so far, but it might be because we're lucky. You see, both of us are still studying and we rely on support from our parents. At the end of this year, we will be graduating, closing one chapter in our lives and opening a new one, which I predict will be full of challenges, for the both of us. I suppose we'll see then, if this really is as easy as it seems to be, when our responsibilities to other things besides each other come crashing down.

Then we'll know how strong we really are.