Night Shift

The time is 3.08am. I am at my office, struggling to stay awake. I look like a zombie. I know this because the moment I stepped into my cubicle, a colleague did a double take and asked me if I had gotten any sleep at all yesterday after work. I also know this because I went to the bathroom to wash my face and also did a double take because my eyes are bloodshot and my skin has turned slightly grey, and looks really coarse and uneven. Like a zombie's.

My 'bodyguards' just left to go get something to eat a few minutes ago and told me to get some sleep, but being silly stubborn me, I don't really feel like it. I mean, I feel like it, but I really don't. How's that?

After a whole year of having a partner everytime I go to sleep, it feels weird to doze off any old where without that partner by my side. If I'm being nauseating, it's because I'm totally nauseated. That's what apparently happens to me when I get 3hours of sleep over the span of two days. I retch a lot even though my gut is empty.

Also, I credit my emotional instability at this moment to the lack of sleep. After my colleagues left, I started crying because I am a total crybaby zombie.

Oh yeah, I not only look like a zombie, I also feel like one right now. At least, this is what I think a zombie feels like, only without the tears. I mean, put a zombie in front of a computer and ask him/her to monitor the news and his/her face will probably look just like mine, except if the features are different.

If I am being incoherent, I'm guessing it's because that's how zombies act like.

So I now look, feel and act like a zombie.

Welcome to the night shift, Zurin.

Observed

I'm an observer. When I go out with friends, sometimes I just prefer to sit quietly and see how everybody behaves or what other people have to say. I'm comfortable laughing along with the crowd without actually contributing any jokes of my own into the conversation (and with good reason. Every joke I'd make would probably kill a kitten with its lameness) Some may call that being stuck up or introverted, but I'd just like to call it "being-comfortable-enough-with-these-people-to-just-sit-back-and-bask".

Sometimes, though, I'm not really within my immediate group of friends. I sit with acquaintances who I've gotten to know. Or, while waiting for someone or something, I sit back, alone, and watch as people go by. (No, I don't stare at people and make them uncomfortable and be all stalker-like, although some might call it that). I just observe.

And it's funny sometimes, how oblivious some people can be about themselves.

To the reactions that people get when talking to them, to the faces people make when they approach, to the emotions that people show when they say something uncalled for.

I wonder if I'm ever like that. I'd like to think that when I say something that my friends might have gotten offended at, I'd realise it almost immediately and apologise soon after. I'd like to think that I'm observant enough to the people around me to know what kind of jokes might offend them and what might not. I hope.

But there are of course those rare(?) bunch people who don't care or don't want to care at all how much they may be hurting their friends or pushing them away with their attitudes or the way they think or simply with those so called "harmless" jokes that they make. And it's really sad, in a way, that they know so little about themselves and the people around them to actually know, or even care about what they might be doing.

I notice that slight widening of the eyes when one friend gets offended, or that little twitch right in the corner of the mouth that comes one split second after an offensive statement. If I were the on saying it, I'd probably stop and cover it up and somehow try to backtrack and cover it up with something else. Yet, some people can't, or even worse, won't. Some can actually see how offended people get when they say something, but insist on saying it anyway.

What is the point of laughing at someone's flaws or misfortune? Karma always comes back and bites you in the ass, or even worse, in the face. What is the point of pointing out something that embarasses someone else, especially if that someone else is a friend? Is it so satisfying to see a friend fall from way up there where you're standing? Is it such a relief to have it happen to someone else that you'd resist their friendship by pointing at them and laughing and laughing and laughing just because they're nice people who would be slightly emotional for a while and then laugh back just to show that they're "sporting"? Is it?

Because when you're in their place, it's not, apparently. When you're in their place, you tend to get upset when someone does it to you. And you forget that you've done it so many many times that that's all your friends remember you for.

So think and remember all those times you've offended someone just to make yourself feel better, and I really hope that it felt GREAT, because before you know it, you might find yourself at the butt of a cruel joke, and let me tell you, it won't feel that great.

So there.

Reasons why I shouldn't be writing this post:

1. My research chapters 1, 2 and 3 have yet to be ammended

2. I still have my Family Counselling final project to complete by tomorrow

3. My first paper is on thursday (and NOT friday like I thought earlier. Bodoh, Zurin, Bodoh. You need to get your memory checked. Or at least your attention span.) and I haven't started revising AT ALL

4. I need to start planning the trip we're having (although no one seems to be up for it anymore)

5. I am super super busy.

Reasons why I AM writing this post.

1. I really have no idea how to redraft those chapters and frankly speaking, I have no mood to do so

2. Since the research paper is top priority, I can't get started on my final project (eceh)

3. Since the research paper is top priprity and the final project is priority no.2, I can't start studying yet (alasan bongok)

4. No one seems to be up for the trip anymore

5. I don't WANT to be super busy. It means I don't get enough sleep and I stuff my face because I work my brain all day and I get hungry really really fast.

Conclusion:

GOD, I'll be glad when this is OVER.

Lalalalalalala....

Half of my thesis got rejected and I have yet to do the other half since I've been swamped with other assignments. Does that mean that

a) My thesis is 0% complete; and
b) That I'm quite dead?

I think so lah.

*post orang dah nak dapat nervous break down.

I mentioned foul-weathered friends the other day. Now let's talk about fair-weathered ones. Kelakar kan? Manusia ni macam2 jenis ada. Most, though, come flocking because you've got things you can give them and leave when they no longer need those things/ when you no longer have the means to provide them.

I used to get lots of text messages from this one person.

Person: Zurin, ko buat apa?

Me: Takde pape. nape?

Person : Takde, aku ingat nak ajak g (insert destination)

Me: (ever willing to lepak with a friend) ok, boleh je. Aku free harini. Bila nak g?

Person: Jap g lah, aku mandi jap, pastu kita g. KO DAH SAMPAI KO MSG AKU EK?

Aku ni mati2 la ingat dia ikhlas nak ajak keluar. rupe2nya nak beli beg/barang makanan/baju/whatever. pastu dah. terus balik.

Or on the way home from sending,

Person: Zurin, ko lepas ni buat apa?

Me: Takde pape. (yes, I didn't have a life back then. I had just broken up with my ex-boyfriend and I wasn't inclined to go out that much)

Person: Aku ngan Ms X nak g (insert local shopping mall here). Jom arr..

or

Aku ingat nak mintak ko hantar gi (insert whatever)

isk. Back then, I didn't mind. Tak suka la berkira2 with friends, so I helped whenever I could, thinking this person really was a friend.

SKALI...

I stopped driving. All calls/text messages/invites stopped. Completely.

Tak tau la apa species orang dia ni kan, but I remember how she used to ask for all kinds of things, like notes and stuff, but when it came to favours I asked from her, it seemed SO difficult to do. Kalau tolong pon with muka masam and tak ikhlas sampai finally, I decided not to ask for help from her anymore since doing favours seemed really difficult from her compared to ASKING FOR THEM.

haih.

Of Car Stickers, Dress Codes and Idiots( not necessarily in that order)

When we came back to Shah Alam yesterday, a friend of ours alerted us to some posters that were put up at the faculty, detailing new dress codes. He seemed quite happy about it, which made us curious. And so we checked it out. Whoa! Guys are allowed to wear round-necked t-shirts to class on Tuesdays to Fridays, Girls are allowed to put on anything as long as there are sleeves on it (they can even wear shorts to play certain appropriate sports which weren't stated in the poster). I did think at the time that it seemed too good to be true and that the regulations weren't detailed enough, but whatever works, huh?

So today, I put on a t-shirt but I decided to wear a jacket with it because I wasn't that confident in the "new" ruling. My husband, though, was all too willing to comply with the ruling and donned a round-necked T. Imagine our surprise when a female guard stopped him and demanded that he changed. Apparently, someone or other had declared a cancellation on the new dress codes. The notice was put up outside the guard house (come on la. Passing by a guard house, most people want to get away from the prying eyes of the guards as soon as they can, even if they've done nothing wrong. For some reason, even being decked out in Baju Kurung makes me feel like I might be doing something wrong when I'm walking past the guard house. NOBODY stops and reads those notices, okay?) and nowhere else. So my husband had to go back to the car to get his jacket. Unsatisfied with what happened, he went back to the place where the new regulation posters were put up and lo and behold! They were still there, with no indication of the new notice ANYWHERE.
So siapa yang salah? Weren't the office notified by the higher-ups? Couldn't the guards at least notify the office? I have no clue, but that's Idiotic story #1

Idiotic story #2
During class today, some of our classmates excused themselves. When they came back, they were holding a bunch of car stickers which were given to them by the office. It was the whole Bumiputera/Malay issue coming up again *sigh*. I refused to take one, and so did most of my friends. According to one of them, if she takes one, she'd stick it on her bathroom window so that when she's constipated, she can look at the sticker and get so angry that she'd "teran". LOL. She's part Chinese, btw.

Y'know, looking back, I suppose I'm lucky in a way. My parents were never racist. They never taught me the "kita orang Melayu. Orang Melayu bagus. Diorang orang Cina. Orang Cina makan babi dan jahat" and so on and so forth. I grew up with chinese friends and we accepted each other for who we were without any discriminations. I went to a kindergarten where I was the only Malay girl and all the kids accepted me readily. Throughout promary and secondary schools, my bestest friends, the ones who were most loyal to me were chinese and indians, while most of my malay friends played hot and cold with me. I remember going to their houses for lunch or dinner and their moms would make sure the dish I was eating was cooked in a different pot because they knew what muslims could and could not eat. That's my idea of being a Malaysian.

Going into matriculation, I was lucky because the two classes I got into were those who accepted everybody, Muslim or not, Malay or not. So while other people were discriminating agaisnt the Non-Bumis, most of the people in my two classes walked hand-in-hand with them.

So I consider myself lucky that I was never hit by the racist bug and my first glimpse of it comes now that I'm old and mature enough to know what's right and what's wrong.

No offense but...

I hate the phrase "no offense". No matter that I fall culprit to the crime myself, but I find it completely redundant.

See, there are many, many words or phrases in the english language that are redundant, (for example: "not to mention, honest truth etc...) but I find this one the most annoying. Go to Urban Dictionary and you'll see just how annoying it is.

Countless of times, people come up to me saying "Zurin, no offense but..." and proceed to tell me something that totally offends me. Or they say something that I would normally find no offense in (because it doesn't involve me) and suddenly end the tirade with "no offense". For some reason, I get offended when that happens even though it's totally irrelevant.

For example, the other day, a close friend of mine and I were watching tv when a commercial from a well-known phone service company came on. Just to clarify, I have never used this service in my life, nor do I have the intention of using it. Also to clarify, I get annoyed at their ads as much as the next sane, normal person does. So after the ad finishes, my friend says
" ______(insert service provider name) adverts suck!" and then said person proceeds to look at me and say "No offense".

"To whom?" I ask.

"To you" he says.

And I go from totally agreeing (to the declaration of how bad their adverts are) to totally offended that he would associate me with such an ad.

"Why would I get offended?" I say. "I've never used this service, nor do I intend to"

"Manala tau".

Haih. To said friend, if you're reading this, it just oocured to me how much I get annoyed when anyone uses that phrase, no matter what their intentions are, when you used it on me. No hard feelings, dude.

There is a malay equivalent of this, fyi. It's "...bukan nak kata apa la kan..." followed by insult.
Another friend of mine came up to me complaining about a coursemate of hers who had this to say while they were having drinks at a mamak. "_____(name of my friend), bukan nak kata apa la kan, tapi boleh tak jangan buat muka camtu? Annoying kay?" (No offense, but could you not make that face? it's annoying). And what was the face that so offended this girl? My friend, staring off into space because she was bored. I would've snapped back a reply like "Habis, ko tengok cermin hari-hari tak annoyed pulak?" (What, and looking at your own face in the mirror everyday doesn't annoy you?") but my friend was totally flabbergasted and speechless, so she chose to ignore the comment. Hmph.

So I've decided that I'm going to try my hardest not to use this very offensive phrase anymore.
To those who think I've mentioned you in this post, NO OFFENSE! ;p

Eh, bongok lah...

My keyboard is screwyyyy..
I've noticed several posts with seemingly HORRIBLE grammar jut (<----- see?) because my 's's won't come out when I'm typing really fast. I'd love to edit it all but seriously, malas la nak tengok one by one...
So kalau ada tersilap tu, please excuse my keyboard (tak nak mengaku because I know I've got good grammar. In fact, I'm married to a Grammar Nazi so there's no excuse). It doesn't know any better. ;p

High School Never Ends

It never does. You think that when you step out of that building you've been coming to for 5 or more years, you're stepping out of all that backstabbing, cliques, all things superficial and all that childishness that comes with it.Truth is, you're walking out of one high school into another. Going into college or university, you're thrown into the very same situations that you were at in high school. Some people actually develop the maturity and grace to know how to walk out of it this time without getting hurt, but the rest of us are just as stumped about how to deal with this limbo as we were back in the day.
People who feel left out and insecure for no reason at all seek to make others feel even more insecure and left out than they do, just so that they feel better about themselves. People are alienated from certain "groups" and don't even know it, just because. Not because they've done anything wrong or anything. They're "just not part of us".
And then, just when you think you're SO done with all this immaturity, you step out into the working world, and guess what? Your high school decided to drag itself along behind you too! People judge you based on your race, your clothes, the way you speak and when you're not up to their level, or maybe way above their level, "Don't call us, we'll call you" which means lunches alone, snide comments and remarks behind your back, alienation, and dirty, oh so dirty looks your way.

So for those of you stuck in that limbo, I feel for you, seriously, because I see and face it too.

Give it some thought...

Call to Open Uni to Non-Bumis slammed

Why, is that fear I see lurking behind those self-righteous cries?

'Malays are underrepresented in Higher Learning Institutions'

True, true, true, I admit.

But why, though? Have they ever thought of that?

Why, oh why is it that 37 years after the NEP was set up, the Malays still need special privileges in order to get ahead?

Is it because we've gotten a tad too comfy with all these goodies the govt throws at us?

I mean, really.

'Ma, I can't get that scholarship you wanted me to get because my grades are just so-so. Oh, and the more prestigious unis won't accept me either. Darn those non-MALAYS (mind you. those protests were geared more to protect MALAY rights than BUMIPUTERA rights. There is a difference, you know). They're just so smart and hardworking andnow I can't get my rightful place in those unis. Pray tell, ma, what can I do?'

'Oh, don't worry hon. There's always UiTM. Only MALAYS, oops, Bumiputeras are allowed into UiTM, y'know. And even if they don't really want to accept you, don't worry about it. Makngah's neighbour's cousin is really good friends with one of the higher-up admin people. We'll use that cable to get you in(this does not apply only to UiTM, but to most unis everywhere.'

'Yay! Now I can just laze through my courses, not study, not show up for class, hand in my assignments late and go party all night long and all day long!'

A little harsh? Maybe
But can you tell me it isn't true?

I know many people who really appreciate their chance to be in the university, me being one of them. I work hard to get to where I am right now and I resent looking at all those people who think that they're too cool for school, show up for 5 out of 20 classes and still pass the subject because people are too weak to uphold the rules.

I think that these people who don't really care that they've taken the place of others who would really do well and appreciate the opportunity of actually getting an education should be booted out.

Scratch that. I don't think they should be booted out, I think they shouldn't even have been accepted in the first place. What a waste of space.

So why not? Why not give 10% to non-bumis? some of them may need it and want it WAY more than some of us do.

And maybe, just maybe, instead of sleeping through the whole course of their studies, more students will be more vigilant and aware that should they fail to perform up to certain standards, well, their precious spot might just be yanked away from under their feet and given to someone else more deserving.

Maybe, just maybe, the bumis will learn to sit up and THINK and actually DO. Maybe they'll wake up and start fending for themselves instead of relying on subsidies and special privileges.

So anyway, this is what would happen if my husband ever EVER got his hands on a PSP of his very own (which he has been DROOLING after).




















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