It's almost week 38, and I realise that I haven't yet expressed how almost being a mother makes me feel. They're all there - the feelings - all mixed up. I'm scared, excited, super happy, contented, all choked up - my feelings, having a hell of a party.
It's just such an amazing feeling, and it's certainly been an amazing journey so far. Having this little living, breathing, kicking bundle of joy inside my womb - it's like nothing I've ever experienced before. Everytime I feel her move, everytime she kicks, every little hiccup makes me so happy and I thank Allah everyday for the chance to live it.
For more than nine months, I've been responsible, not only for myself, but for her. She's probably the most important person in my life, and she hasn't even come out yet. I haven't even seen or met her yet, and I already feel more love for this little person than for some of the people I've known almost my whole life.
I have no idea what kind of mother I'm going to make. It scares me that I'm going to be responsible for every single little thing that she goes through when she comes out. I'm terrified of how I'm going to handle her getting sick, or being upset, or getting hurt. I'm absolutely terrified of not being ready to accept such a big responsibility, but I'm certainly gonna do my best for my little baby.
To my friends who read this blog, if I don't manage to say this before I go into the labour room, I hope you forgive me for any wrongdoings I've ever committed throughout the years we've known each other. I hope you can spare some time to pray for my little baby H and I, that we both come out of the labour room safe and healthy. :)
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Finding Out
This is more of an attempt for me to record some important moments in my life than actually about telling people how it happened, so you're really not obliged to read this boring tale of how I found out I was pregnant. (I'm exactly 14 weeks along today by calculations, by the way. WOOHOO! Officially the Second Trimester!)
So anyway, it was sometime in December. (This is kinda horrible of me, but I don't really remember the exact date). I had been having extreme hormonal issues (as some of you could attest, due to my extremely emo statuses on Facebook - I eventually deleted the thing sebab menyampah sangat). Basically, my tummy was hurting, my moods were swinging faster than the revolving swings at amusement parks. I was snapping at everyone. And I MEAN everyone. the husband, toll gate operators, drivers on the road, cashiers. Suffice to say, I was a total bitch. heh.
I took a pregnancy test but it was negative.
So he took me to our GP since I was hurting on the right side of my abdomen. After getting checked and telling him all of the symptoms, the GP asked my if I was pregnant. Tolh him I took a test 2 weeks before the visit, and he said then I probably wasn't pregnant. He said that it was most probably another cyst, and that there was nothing he could do to help with the symptoms and the only way for it to get better was for me to get pregnant. So of course, I went home very frustrated, and spent that night crying to poor hubby about how I couldn't stand having to go through it my whole life. Dramatic kan? haha.
Anyway, two days later, while unpacking (we had just moved from mom's house into our own) I found an extra pregnancy test and decided, for the heck of it, to just take it.
You know how when you REALLY want a baby, after peeing on that stick, you kinda hold your breath and can't wait to look, and your heart beats really really fast and you're hoping and hoping and hoping, and then only one line shows up and you feel this intense disappointment?
I felt none of that.
I took the test, left the bathroom and continued with unpacking, and promptly forgot about it. Then I went back into the bathroom and there were TWO LINES. Not one. TWO.
I rushed over to the computer, where the only person online I could panic about it to was my sister (Epol was in a meeting, so his gtalk read "idle" - nevertheless, I pmed him anyway and sent a frantic, panicked message about how I took a test and it was positive). She was really excited but I was weary because I had read about false positives.
Epol came back online, we discussed it and he came back that day with extra kits. LOL. I took one that night, and another the next morning, both positive, so I went back to my GP who was really excited for us. But he told us that I should get an ultrasound scan right away which was quite unorthodox. Wouldn't tell us why exactly, but he did say that it was because of my condition.
I suspected that he was worried about how the pregnancy might be ectopic, since I was having pains on the right side of my abdomen.
So Epol took that friday off and we went to Dr Idris in TTDI, explained what my GP said, and he did a scan, and lo and behold. There was the pregnancy sac, right in the middle of my uterus, right where it was supposed to be.
I think only Allah knows how I felt at that exact moment. It was almost a miracle for me. Merely two or three days before, I thought that I would never ever get pregnant, and there it was, proving me wrong.
And that was how I found out I was pregnant. And now here, I am in my 14th week.
So anyway, it was sometime in December. (This is kinda horrible of me, but I don't really remember the exact date). I had been having extreme hormonal issues (as some of you could attest, due to my extremely emo statuses on Facebook - I eventually deleted the thing sebab menyampah sangat). Basically, my tummy was hurting, my moods were swinging faster than the revolving swings at amusement parks. I was snapping at everyone. And I MEAN everyone. the husband, toll gate operators, drivers on the road, cashiers. Suffice to say, I was a total bitch. heh.
I took a pregnancy test but it was negative.
So he took me to our GP since I was hurting on the right side of my abdomen. After getting checked and telling him all of the symptoms, the GP asked my if I was pregnant. Tolh him I took a test 2 weeks before the visit, and he said then I probably wasn't pregnant. He said that it was most probably another cyst, and that there was nothing he could do to help with the symptoms and the only way for it to get better was for me to get pregnant. So of course, I went home very frustrated, and spent that night crying to poor hubby about how I couldn't stand having to go through it my whole life. Dramatic kan? haha.
Anyway, two days later, while unpacking (we had just moved from mom's house into our own) I found an extra pregnancy test and decided, for the heck of it, to just take it.
You know how when you REALLY want a baby, after peeing on that stick, you kinda hold your breath and can't wait to look, and your heart beats really really fast and you're hoping and hoping and hoping, and then only one line shows up and you feel this intense disappointment?
I felt none of that.
I took the test, left the bathroom and continued with unpacking, and promptly forgot about it. Then I went back into the bathroom and there were TWO LINES. Not one. TWO.
I rushed over to the computer, where the only person online I could panic about it to was my sister (Epol was in a meeting, so his gtalk read "idle" - nevertheless, I pmed him anyway and sent a frantic, panicked message about how I took a test and it was positive). She was really excited but I was weary because I had read about false positives.
Epol came back online, we discussed it and he came back that day with extra kits. LOL. I took one that night, and another the next morning, both positive, so I went back to my GP who was really excited for us. But he told us that I should get an ultrasound scan right away which was quite unorthodox. Wouldn't tell us why exactly, but he did say that it was because of my condition.
I suspected that he was worried about how the pregnancy might be ectopic, since I was having pains on the right side of my abdomen.
So Epol took that friday off and we went to Dr Idris in TTDI, explained what my GP said, and he did a scan, and lo and behold. There was the pregnancy sac, right in the middle of my uterus, right where it was supposed to be.
I think only Allah knows how I felt at that exact moment. It was almost a miracle for me. Merely two or three days before, I thought that I would never ever get pregnant, and there it was, proving me wrong.
And that was how I found out I was pregnant. And now here, I am in my 14th week.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Takut.Masak.
I am currently in a state of confusion and fear. I know that many others have had it worse. I'm not saying that mine is the worst it will ever get. In fact, I'm very VERY aware that mine is probably the most minuscule that it can get.
But that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be scared of what's happening. It makes me miserable to know that I'm making the people I love worry and that a certain someone has to spend all his hard earned cash making sure that I'm okay when he should certainly be able to afford things for himself.
If I don't do it, it doesn't just have an impact on me alone. Other people get hurt too. But I'm so tired and I don't feel like going through all that again. People have been telling me "Don't worry la, it'll be fine, You'll be ok." I know they all think it's comforting when someone says that to you, but honestly, it's not. It makes me feel kinda stupid and silly, as if I have no reason to worry about myself, just because everybody tells me not to. But here's the reality: It hurts, some days worse than others and the fact that I fainted in class in front of my students because of this is something so embarrassing to me that I feel so ashamed to ever see them again. And simply put, I'm scared. And when people tell me not to worry, that it's nothing, it makes me feel as if I'm being overly paranoid.
Anyway, I'll be going in for an operation late March.
In other news, I managed to cook Mi Hailam yesterday. Heh. I know it's one of the simplest dishes ever, but I'm still proud of myself because I managed to make it taste exactly like Cik's (imho, the best cook in the world) even though I didn't have all of the ingredients she uses to make it.
I substituted corn flour for tomatoes (they work just fine thickening the sauce and they give it a very slight sweet-sour-ish taste) the chicken and prawns with chicken meatballs and the sawi with bayam. Like my mom said when I told her "You discovered an economical way to make mi hailam!" LOL.
Epol loved it and suggested that I make some for his mom :)
Ok dah.
But that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be scared of what's happening. It makes me miserable to know that I'm making the people I love worry and that a certain someone has to spend all his hard earned cash making sure that I'm okay when he should certainly be able to afford things for himself.
If I don't do it, it doesn't just have an impact on me alone. Other people get hurt too. But I'm so tired and I don't feel like going through all that again. People have been telling me "Don't worry la, it'll be fine, You'll be ok." I know they all think it's comforting when someone says that to you, but honestly, it's not. It makes me feel kinda stupid and silly, as if I have no reason to worry about myself, just because everybody tells me not to. But here's the reality: It hurts, some days worse than others and the fact that I fainted in class in front of my students because of this is something so embarrassing to me that I feel so ashamed to ever see them again. And simply put, I'm scared. And when people tell me not to worry, that it's nothing, it makes me feel as if I'm being overly paranoid.
Anyway, I'll be going in for an operation late March.
In other news, I managed to cook Mi Hailam yesterday. Heh. I know it's one of the simplest dishes ever, but I'm still proud of myself because I managed to make it taste exactly like Cik's (imho, the best cook in the world) even though I didn't have all of the ingredients she uses to make it.
I substituted corn flour for tomatoes (they work just fine thickening the sauce and they give it a very slight sweet-sour-ish taste) the chicken and prawns with chicken meatballs and the sawi with bayam. Like my mom said when I told her "You discovered an economical way to make mi hailam!" LOL.
Epol loved it and suggested that I make some for his mom :)
Ok dah.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Interview
I have a job interview tomorrow.
I pray that I get it, because it seems to be a position that will give me VERY valuable experience for what I plan to do with my life.
So dear friends, if you're reading this, please help me doa that I will be the one considered for the job and outshine the other 4 who were called for the interview.
Wish me luck!
I pray that I get it, because it seems to be a position that will give me VERY valuable experience for what I plan to do with my life.
So dear friends, if you're reading this, please help me doa that I will be the one considered for the job and outshine the other 4 who were called for the interview.
Wish me luck!
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