Yesterday, I texted the husband and at 2pm and told him I was already knackered. My mornings are usually spent making sure Ilyas is bathed, fed and happy, and preparing lunch for both of them and myself before kakak gets home. It's not that simple when the 10mo is screaming for attention all the time though.
Kakak gets home at noon, at which point I make sure she uses the bathroom, get her changed, prepare her lunch and make sure she eats, then prepare adik's lunch and feed him, and endure the screaming once his lunch is over and I need to clean up both their plates. Luckily when kakak is around to entertain him, he's more quiet.
Yesterday after both their lunches, kakak announced that she had to do a numero dos. And then after I put her in there, I heard straining from the living room because it appears that my children like to do that in tandem. So off I go to change him and meanwhile kakak is done and has to wait for adik to get clean first.
So I get both of them cleaned up and I'm just about to sit down and eat when adik starts screaming and kakak asks for some chocolate milk. I get up and shush adik while I give the milk to kakak. And then sit down again and texted my husband.
Today, my mom and very pregnant sister came over to the house to spend time with the kids. So while they're there I get Hana's lunch ready but she refuses to eat it at first because it's hot. So my sister and I have lunch while my mom puts ilyas down for a nap. Then I feed Hana.
And then once Hana is done and her plate is washed, I prepare ilyas's food, sit down to feed him. my mom looks at me, looks at my sister and says "Macam tu lah, mak. Tak habis-habis kerja dia". Which is kinda true.
Some days I don't even know what I do all day, but I sure am tired at the end of the day. But then I realise that it's these small things. Preparing food, washing up, feeding them, washing up, cleaning them, changing them, picking up their toys so that they don't trip and fall over it. making sure they do homework, making sure they have enough to drink. Making sure they're clean, making sure they're adequately entertained.
It's kinda exhausting.
Friday, March 25, 2016
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Birthing Ilyas and My Second Experience at Pantai Hospital KL
Hello!
It's been a while, obviously. I'm a mommy of two now, Alhamdulillah. It's been 40 tiring, sleep-deprived, anxiety-and-stress-driven, hormonal 40 days and I am finally free of my confinement and I now have some time to update about the birth experience.
Having had a traumatic experience with Hana, I was determined this time around to be more informed and do more reading on the process to make it easier for myself, Allah-willing of course. Read "A Guide to Childbirth" by Ina May Gaskin as well as "Hypnobirthing: The Mongan Method" by Marie Mongan (thanks to one of my besties for supplying that one to me). I also made sure that I had a better obgyn this time around.
It turns out that said Obgyn is also from Pantai KL, which I wasn't too happy about at first because if you've been following this blog long enough, I once did a not-so-favourable review of the hospital, based on my first experience. However, this time they proved me wrong.
I'm happy to report that my second experience with them was wonderful, and a total 180 degree turn from what I went through the first time. Anyway, back to that fateful day:
I woke up at 3am on the 5th, with a really bad tummy ache. Thinking that I ate something bad (the last few days were spent going to weddings and if I'm not mistaken I had something super spicy that night), I went to the bathroom and subsequently sat in there for almost half an hour with nothing to show for it. This was exactly what happened with Hana, and I started wondering if it was time, but the thing was, I was only two days away from reaching 38 weeks. Throughout the night though, that tummy ache came and went.
With Hana, I woke the husband up and we immediately hightailed it to the hospital, but this time, based on the readings I did, I decided to go back to sleep. I woke up at 6.30 for my morning prayers and I calmly asked my husband: "Sayang, would you panic if I told you I think I'm in early labour?" his eyes widened in disbelief and we decided that he would work from home just in case. I insisted on us having a nice breakfast at Fikcles, my current favourite cafe that morning.
We sent Hana off to school anyway and informed my mama who would be picking her up later. Luckily it was Tuesday, the day she spends time at my parents' place every week.
We had breakfast (at a different cafe, Fikcles was closed, BOOO!), went home to pack (yes, I know, SO last minute) and then went to the bank to withdraw some cash for the deposit. I was feeling the rushes all this while, so yes, I was definitely in labour. But let me tell you, it's so much easier to bear when you're up and about. You barely feel it, as opposed to when you're strapped down to a bed.
So at 10.30, I finally called my Obgyn's office and her nurse told me to check myself in since I was found positive of Strep B a few weeks ago and needed to be on antibiotics.
11.00am
Checked into the labour ward, I had to be monitored for 30minutes so they could determine if I really was having contractions. I was. The 30 minutes were uncomfortable, to say the least. Meanwhile, husb is sent down to check me in.
Note: I'm continuing this post, like 3 months after I started it and I don't remember the timelines anymore :/
So later, I was told that Dr Premitha would be coming to check me, but I was allowed to go downstairs for a walk.
We then decided I'd have my last cup of coffee for a while and hung out at Starbucks. Around 1.30 (I think), we went back upstairs and Dr was already there waiting for me. She told me it would be a quick check and that I can go back downstairs and walk around afterwards. She checked my opening and we were all surprised to find that I was 7cm dilated, at which point she changed her mind about letting me back out.
She left, I changed into the hospital gown and husband took out his laptop and put "Pitch Perfect" on (I'd read that laughing helps you dilate faster because it relaxes.. you know,, stuff). The whole time, I walked around the room and hung on to the husband's neck whenever the contractions came.
At approximately 3++, the midwife comes in and asks me if I feel the urge to push. I told her no and she said that I should let them know as soon as I do because they wouldn't want me to give birth before the Dr comes in to assist. We have a light chat and she leaves the room.
Not 15 minutes later, I have another contraction and it was hella strong! Hurt like crazy and for the first time, I felt like crying as I held on to the husband. He told me later that this hug was really different because I hung on to his neck like I was trying to pull him down. We immediately paged the nurses.
They told me to get back on the bed and lay on my side (didn't help much) and at this point, I start crying because it was so painful. They tell me that they need to check and see if they can feel the baby's head while a contraction was happening.
**** I wrote the above ages ago, and I really can't quite remember the details anymore T_T
but to cut things short, I felt like I had a team of cheerleaders helping me keep my morale and strength up! Dr Premitha was absolutely wonderful, and so were the team of nurses who diligently wiped my sweat, and helped my take sips of water in between contractions. The most pain I felt was during the "ring of fire" but overall it was a much, much better experience.
Let's review based on my 2011 post:
1. Admission and Labour Suite
Quick admission, didn't have to wait long at all. The only issue was that I couldn't get the type of room I wanted, but that was more because of the date (5.5.15 - everyone wanted to schedule their births that day)
2. Professionalisme (Nurses)
No issues - they were attentive, wonderful, encouraging. They answered my questions and requests really well and attended to my needs quickly and efficiently
3.Professionalisme (Doctors)
Dr Premitha, as I stated was wonderful. I didn't even have that many questions to ask because she was always so informative and accommodating. Highly recommended, seriously.
My son's paed, Dr Keri is also very very good (9 months later and we've stuck by her). She shows genuine concern for her patients and gives me all the information I need at every checkup. Very warm towards my baby as well. Also higly recommended.
If you're looking for either type of doctor, please look these two up at Pantai. You won't regret it!
4.Food
I have to say that the food has improved by leaps and bounds! Pretty yummy :)
5. General Service
Nothing's changed here, very good service and very polite as well
6. Discharge
Also very quick and efficient - no issues
Overall
Loved this second experience. Also, I've noticed they've increased the amount of baby rooms with the new wing. Suffice to say, I'm very happy with my experience this time around, and I would say it was well worth what we paid. So yes, I take back a lot of the things I said before, THIS is a top notch facility.
Note: I'm continuing this post, like 3 months after I started it and I don't remember the timelines anymore :/
So later, I was told that Dr Premitha would be coming to check me, but I was allowed to go downstairs for a walk.
We then decided I'd have my last cup of coffee for a while and hung out at Starbucks. Around 1.30 (I think), we went back upstairs and Dr was already there waiting for me. She told me it would be a quick check and that I can go back downstairs and walk around afterwards. She checked my opening and we were all surprised to find that I was 7cm dilated, at which point she changed her mind about letting me back out.
She left, I changed into the hospital gown and husband took out his laptop and put "Pitch Perfect" on (I'd read that laughing helps you dilate faster because it relaxes.. you know,, stuff). The whole time, I walked around the room and hung on to the husband's neck whenever the contractions came.
At approximately 3++, the midwife comes in and asks me if I feel the urge to push. I told her no and she said that I should let them know as soon as I do because they wouldn't want me to give birth before the Dr comes in to assist. We have a light chat and she leaves the room.
Not 15 minutes later, I have another contraction and it was hella strong! Hurt like crazy and for the first time, I felt like crying as I held on to the husband. He told me later that this hug was really different because I hung on to his neck like I was trying to pull him down. We immediately paged the nurses.
They told me to get back on the bed and lay on my side (didn't help much) and at this point, I start crying because it was so painful. They tell me that they need to check and see if they can feel the baby's head while a contraction was happening.
**** I wrote the above ages ago, and I really can't quite remember the details anymore T_T
but to cut things short, I felt like I had a team of cheerleaders helping me keep my morale and strength up! Dr Premitha was absolutely wonderful, and so were the team of nurses who diligently wiped my sweat, and helped my take sips of water in between contractions. The most pain I felt was during the "ring of fire" but overall it was a much, much better experience.
Let's review based on my 2011 post:
1. Admission and Labour Suite
Quick admission, didn't have to wait long at all. The only issue was that I couldn't get the type of room I wanted, but that was more because of the date (5.5.15 - everyone wanted to schedule their births that day)
2. Professionalisme (Nurses)
No issues - they were attentive, wonderful, encouraging. They answered my questions and requests really well and attended to my needs quickly and efficiently
3.Professionalisme (Doctors)
Dr Premitha, as I stated was wonderful. I didn't even have that many questions to ask because she was always so informative and accommodating. Highly recommended, seriously.
My son's paed, Dr Keri is also very very good (9 months later and we've stuck by her). She shows genuine concern for her patients and gives me all the information I need at every checkup. Very warm towards my baby as well. Also higly recommended.
If you're looking for either type of doctor, please look these two up at Pantai. You won't regret it!
4.Food
I have to say that the food has improved by leaps and bounds! Pretty yummy :)
5. General Service
Nothing's changed here, very good service and very polite as well
6. Discharge
Also very quick and efficient - no issues
Overall
Loved this second experience. Also, I've noticed they've increased the amount of baby rooms with the new wing. Suffice to say, I'm very happy with my experience this time around, and I would say it was well worth what we paid. So yes, I take back a lot of the things I said before, THIS is a top notch facility.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
TT and its challenges
Hana is almost completely toilet trained. We do keep her in diapers at night since she still seems to wet them from time to time, but any other time, she's completely out of it and in fact, even if we put her in one (sometimes we go out and we're not sure we'd be able to find a decent toilet where we're going) she'd insist on going in a toilet and not in her diapers.
But she has this knack for finding the most inappropriate times to ask for the bathroom. She hasn't quite grasped the concept of asking to go before the urge is too strong, and so whenever she does ask, there's a mad dash to the toilet, and god forbid if there's a line T_T. Times when she usually asks to go are: when we're in line to pay for something, when one of us is away running some other errand and can't be around to take care of the stuff we have, you get the picture.
She once asked to go right as I was about to pray in surau, after I had taken my ablution. And since we happened to be in a badly planned mall, the bathrooms were on the other side of the suraus. So, seven month pregnant me had to rush to the other end of the mall with her where we encountered this family of women who insisted on blocking every single doorway we had to go through, for some reason, and I finally had to just push my way through (hey, better that than having my daughter pee all over your long jubahs, aunties) and we barely made it on to the toilet.
Yesterday was another funny incident. My mom had just dropped Hana off from school, and we usually spend a few minutes chatting before I take her upstairs. But that day, Hana was particularly antsy and practically shoo-ed her grandma away, saying that she wanted to go home right then and there. So we said our goodbyes and I took her into the lift lobby and pressed on the button. She looked up at me with the most desperate look on her face and started dancing in a very very familiar way and I felt the dread as I asked her if she needed to pee. She nodded urgently.
Anyone who's been to our apartments would know that the lifts are some of the most unreliable and slow lifts I've ever encountered. And as the lift skipped our floor and went down to the lower basement, I hoped and hoped in my heart that it was just dropping someone off, not picking someone up. And even if it were, that the person would be going to a higher floor so that we would reach our floor first. No such luck on both wishes. There was a guy in the lift and he was going to the 2nd floor. We were going up to the 4th.By now, Hana was dancing around, whimpering, starring up at me in despair and I asked her to hold it in for a few more minutes, convinced that she wouldn't be able to and that the three of us would have our soles drenched in yellow liquid in just a few seconds.By now I was silently calculating my moves. Take her to the bathroom if she peed on the floor, change her, then take her back out and go down to the lobby to find a cleaner to clean up the mess in the lifts.
Second floor, guy gets out and I slam on the close button, and we got to the fourth floor with no accidents yet! We both jump out of the lifts and I scream "Run!" to her and we're both making a mad scramble for the doors. I leave her behind to care for herself (it's only a few steps from the lifts to my door) so that I can unlock the front door and we squeeze in. I told her to forget taking off her shoes and we both ran and ran to the guest bathroom where I just manage to yank her undies down and her shoes and socks off and lift her to the toilet. We made it!
Now that both of us were safe, we started giggling our asses off because it was just too funny. She said "Apalah mama ni!"
After everything was done and dry, I realised that I was panting crazily, and that I had basically forgotten about my almost 8-month old pregnant tummy when I sprinted for the bathroom with her.
Little sweetheart notices how out of breath I am and asks me why and I told her I was tired from running - and guess what? I got a free lecture from my 3-yo, on how I shouldn't be running while I'm pregnant and that I needed to take better care of myself and the baby. Imagine that!
But she has this knack for finding the most inappropriate times to ask for the bathroom. She hasn't quite grasped the concept of asking to go before the urge is too strong, and so whenever she does ask, there's a mad dash to the toilet, and god forbid if there's a line T_T. Times when she usually asks to go are: when we're in line to pay for something, when one of us is away running some other errand and can't be around to take care of the stuff we have, you get the picture.
She once asked to go right as I was about to pray in surau, after I had taken my ablution. And since we happened to be in a badly planned mall, the bathrooms were on the other side of the suraus. So, seven month pregnant me had to rush to the other end of the mall with her where we encountered this family of women who insisted on blocking every single doorway we had to go through, for some reason, and I finally had to just push my way through (hey, better that than having my daughter pee all over your long jubahs, aunties) and we barely made it on to the toilet.
Yesterday was another funny incident. My mom had just dropped Hana off from school, and we usually spend a few minutes chatting before I take her upstairs. But that day, Hana was particularly antsy and practically shoo-ed her grandma away, saying that she wanted to go home right then and there. So we said our goodbyes and I took her into the lift lobby and pressed on the button. She looked up at me with the most desperate look on her face and started dancing in a very very familiar way and I felt the dread as I asked her if she needed to pee. She nodded urgently.
Anyone who's been to our apartments would know that the lifts are some of the most unreliable and slow lifts I've ever encountered. And as the lift skipped our floor and went down to the lower basement, I hoped and hoped in my heart that it was just dropping someone off, not picking someone up. And even if it were, that the person would be going to a higher floor so that we would reach our floor first. No such luck on both wishes. There was a guy in the lift and he was going to the 2nd floor. We were going up to the 4th.By now, Hana was dancing around, whimpering, starring up at me in despair and I asked her to hold it in for a few more minutes, convinced that she wouldn't be able to and that the three of us would have our soles drenched in yellow liquid in just a few seconds.By now I was silently calculating my moves. Take her to the bathroom if she peed on the floor, change her, then take her back out and go down to the lobby to find a cleaner to clean up the mess in the lifts.
Second floor, guy gets out and I slam on the close button, and we got to the fourth floor with no accidents yet! We both jump out of the lifts and I scream "Run!" to her and we're both making a mad scramble for the doors. I leave her behind to care for herself (it's only a few steps from the lifts to my door) so that I can unlock the front door and we squeeze in. I told her to forget taking off her shoes and we both ran and ran to the guest bathroom where I just manage to yank her undies down and her shoes and socks off and lift her to the toilet. We made it!
Now that both of us were safe, we started giggling our asses off because it was just too funny. She said "Apalah mama ni!"
After everything was done and dry, I realised that I was panting crazily, and that I had basically forgotten about my almost 8-month old pregnant tummy when I sprinted for the bathroom with her.
Little sweetheart notices how out of breath I am and asks me why and I told her I was tired from running - and guess what? I got a free lecture from my 3-yo, on how I shouldn't be running while I'm pregnant and that I needed to take better care of myself and the baby. Imagine that!
Friday, February 13, 2015
Toilet Training and Such
We started toilet training Hana around end of last year, after school let out. It started very unsuccessfully - she'd remember sometimes, but then most times she wouldn't and accidents kept happening. Even when we asked if she wanted to go, she'd say no and pee all over the floor not 5 minutes later.
So we had to make do with a few days, and then stop because she clearly wasn't ready. This happened a few times in fact. We'd start a bout of toilet training and then decide to hold off on it for a few weeks and try again.
She started kindy again early January, this month, I decided that we should try yet again. Both of us were dragging our feet though because it sure is tiring, and we found that it was probably one of the hardest things we'd had to do as parents. (This tied first place with bf-ing for me)
The first day, we ended up with two accidents. Although to be fair, one of them happened because I was in the midst of cooking, turned the blender on and shocked the little girl into peeing in her playroom (facepalm). She was crying and I went to see what was happening and discovered her standing in a puddle. The second accident happened about 4-5 minutes after I asked her if she needed to pee. I began to feel even more dread of course, thinking that this time would be just like the last few times we tried.
I had a formula after observing her habits the few times we tried - I'd set an alarm for every 2 hours and take her on the clock whether she had to go or not. But then if she had drank a lot of water or had milk, I'd take her half an hour after the drink because she seemed to have to go a lot quicker after she had consumed a large amount of liquids. The second day, she had another two accidents, but we decided to persevere anyway and were rewarded when the number of accidents reduced to one the next day.
And then by the fourth day, things changed. I still took her every two hours but she began to tell me herself if she needed to go before the two hour mark was up. And there were no accidents.
The fifth day didn't see a very long period of toilet training because I experienced a pregnancy scare and my mom had to take Hana to her place for a while. But I noticed that her diaper was almost dry in the morning, and one of the first things she asked me in the morning was whether I could take her to her potty.I didn't think much of it, thought it was a fluke. After school though, (to my surprise, her diaper was completely dry and upon coming home, she asked to use the potty) she resisted from being taken out of diapers and into big girl pants. I was afraid she might have been regressing, but I think it was more due to the fact that her grandmother and aunties were around that day.
Now on the sixth day, she woke up and her diaper was completely dry. Asked for the potty, and even came home completely dry and asked for the potty again. At some point (I ask her every 1 1/2 to 2 hours whether she needs to go) she told me "Mama tak payah tanya Hana, ok? Nanti Hana nak potty Hana bagitau mama" (You don't have to ask me if I need to use the potty, I'll tell you if I have to go) and she did. Every single time.
The seventh day, she repeated the dry diaper in the morning, asked for her potty but spent the rest of the day after school at her grandmother's since we needed to do some serious decluttering at home. Upon picking her up, my mom told us that she had managed to pee in the toilet every time and managed to keep her diaper completely dry all day long, even though she wasn't at home.
Now, this morning (again, repeat of the prev few days, dry diaper in the morning, etc) we sent her to school for her first swimming lesson this year and reminded the teachers that she was in the process of being toilet trained and we were completely taken by surprise when they told us that she had been asking to use the potty!
I think we did it! I think she's potty trained! LOL. We can start trying to take her out without diapers now. :)
In other updates, these last few nights, she'd been the one to ask us to take her to bed. And when she was at her grandma's yesterday, we were sitting around talking to my mom, preparing to go through the usual "let's go home" "No! I want to stay here with wan" scene followed by a tantrum when out of the blue, she announced that she wanted to go home.
My husband commented that perhaps she easing into her "Fabulous Fours", leaving her "Terrible Twos" and "Tyrannous Threes" behind. Or perhaps she's just trying to fit into her role of future big sister, who knows.
All I know is I'm cherishing these changes as much as I can! (And hoping it's not a phase even though it makes me feel slightly sad that she's growing up so fast)
So we had to make do with a few days, and then stop because she clearly wasn't ready. This happened a few times in fact. We'd start a bout of toilet training and then decide to hold off on it for a few weeks and try again.
She started kindy again early January, this month, I decided that we should try yet again. Both of us were dragging our feet though because it sure is tiring, and we found that it was probably one of the hardest things we'd had to do as parents. (This tied first place with bf-ing for me)
The first day, we ended up with two accidents. Although to be fair, one of them happened because I was in the midst of cooking, turned the blender on and shocked the little girl into peeing in her playroom (facepalm). She was crying and I went to see what was happening and discovered her standing in a puddle. The second accident happened about 4-5 minutes after I asked her if she needed to pee. I began to feel even more dread of course, thinking that this time would be just like the last few times we tried.
I had a formula after observing her habits the few times we tried - I'd set an alarm for every 2 hours and take her on the clock whether she had to go or not. But then if she had drank a lot of water or had milk, I'd take her half an hour after the drink because she seemed to have to go a lot quicker after she had consumed a large amount of liquids. The second day, she had another two accidents, but we decided to persevere anyway and were rewarded when the number of accidents reduced to one the next day.
And then by the fourth day, things changed. I still took her every two hours but she began to tell me herself if she needed to go before the two hour mark was up. And there were no accidents.
The fifth day didn't see a very long period of toilet training because I experienced a pregnancy scare and my mom had to take Hana to her place for a while. But I noticed that her diaper was almost dry in the morning, and one of the first things she asked me in the morning was whether I could take her to her potty.I didn't think much of it, thought it was a fluke. After school though, (to my surprise, her diaper was completely dry and upon coming home, she asked to use the potty) she resisted from being taken out of diapers and into big girl pants. I was afraid she might have been regressing, but I think it was more due to the fact that her grandmother and aunties were around that day.
Now on the sixth day, she woke up and her diaper was completely dry. Asked for the potty, and even came home completely dry and asked for the potty again. At some point (I ask her every 1 1/2 to 2 hours whether she needs to go) she told me "Mama tak payah tanya Hana, ok? Nanti Hana nak potty Hana bagitau mama" (You don't have to ask me if I need to use the potty, I'll tell you if I have to go) and she did. Every single time.
The seventh day, she repeated the dry diaper in the morning, asked for her potty but spent the rest of the day after school at her grandmother's since we needed to do some serious decluttering at home. Upon picking her up, my mom told us that she had managed to pee in the toilet every time and managed to keep her diaper completely dry all day long, even though she wasn't at home.
Now, this morning (again, repeat of the prev few days, dry diaper in the morning, etc) we sent her to school for her first swimming lesson this year and reminded the teachers that she was in the process of being toilet trained and we were completely taken by surprise when they told us that she had been asking to use the potty!
I think we did it! I think she's potty trained! LOL. We can start trying to take her out without diapers now. :)
In other updates, these last few nights, she'd been the one to ask us to take her to bed. And when she was at her grandma's yesterday, we were sitting around talking to my mom, preparing to go through the usual "let's go home" "No! I want to stay here with wan" scene followed by a tantrum when out of the blue, she announced that she wanted to go home.
My husband commented that perhaps she easing into her "Fabulous Fours", leaving her "Terrible Twos" and "Tyrannous Threes" behind. Or perhaps she's just trying to fit into her role of future big sister, who knows.
All I know is I'm cherishing these changes as much as I can! (And hoping it's not a phase even though it makes me feel slightly sad that she's growing up so fast)
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Of Number TWO
I'm currently 5 months pregnant with number two, something that I didn't think I'd be up to, three years ago. I think that if you read my blog then, you'd know why.
Sometimes, I do wonder if I made the right decision. I feel like I barely do an OK job with Hana and now I'm about to take on another huge responsibility. Yes, rezeki, Alhamdulillah, please don't say that I'm not thankful, I am, but I'm also scared to death.
One good thing is that I'm under a different Obgyn. Still at Pantai, which I wasn't happy about initially, but I'm willing to overlook that, since she's a really really good doctor and I feel comfortable with her. We even addressed my previous problem of bf-ing and came up with some plans (albeit still vague) so that I'll know what to do this time. So I hope I'll have a much better experience.
Anyway, the pregnancy has been quite testing. I had nvp up until the 17th week, acid reflux, mild pregnancy incontinence, and recently, I started spotting whenever I was active during the day. It caused quite a scare, but we established that it was normal and a swab and scan confirmed that the baby is fine and dandy, and so am I. All in all very different from my first pregnancy, which was easy practically all the way. So maybe, just maybe I'll have a totally different experience in the labour room as well? Or at least after. hehe.
The baby has started kicking. We don't have a name yet, since we don't even know the gender yet, and let me tell you it's weird having to refer to the baby as "it" since it seems to have a personality already. Next checkup will be next week, so perhaps we'll find out then InsyaAllah. Back to the baby, it's started kicking very recently but stops immediately when one of us puts a hand on my tummy to try and feel the kicks. Its favourite punching bag? My bladder, of course!
Number one is eagerly awaiting for her little sister/brother to arrive. Little does she know that it doesn't equate to automatic playmate, that'll take a while, but she seems to be looking forward to being a big sister, and I have every reason to believe that she will be a good one, InsyaAllah.
That's it for updates. Obviously, I have no idea how to end this post. Kbye.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Saturday, May 24, 2014
School Already?
This year, Hana turns three.
I've been searching since last year for classes and activities that she can join and interact with other children, something that I can attend myself since at the time, she wasn't the sociable butterfly she's turned out to be. She used to dislike it when strangers tried to interact with her.
Sure, she'd say Hi if someone said Hi first but that was about it. Most times, she'd start whining and burying her face in my shoulder or insist on me carrying her, if she was standing or walking.
And then sometime this year, it all changed. She would be the first to say Hi to someone we bumped into, stranger or not, and it wasn't just greeting people. She'd actually try to strike up conversation as if she has known that person for ages. She'd start telling them where she was going and what she was going to do. She started calling for people by name - people other than anyone she's close to (our families). She started asking for our friends, people who she'd only met a few times in her life and had minimal interactions with, being so introverted before.
And even when we announced that we were going to visit or meet with someone new, she'd commit the name to memory and get excited about it. She was blossoming and from these instances, I could see how much she longed for interaction other than what she is used to.
So we've decided to send her to school starting June. My MIL found a nice kindergarten within walking distance of where we live. The class is small (four kids at the moment, with one joining in the next term, so with Hana it'll be 6 altogether) and there are two teachers watching them. The teacher in charge seems nice - the children seem quite attached to her.
And so there you have it. Hana starts school InsyaAllah.
How do I feel about letting this precious little girl go? I've got mixed feelings. Excitement - for her, and the opportunities she'd finally have to make friends and play with other children. Sadness that she's no longer a baby and no longer needs me in certain ways - there are finally things that I cannot personally give her, things that she needs other people besides her family, and of course, a certain sense of pride that she's finally ready, that she somehow made herself ready without help from me or her dad.
A part of me wants to keep her under my wing forever. But I know that doing that would be selfish. So as hard as it feels for me right now, I gotta let my little angel spread her wings and fly.
I've been searching since last year for classes and activities that she can join and interact with other children, something that I can attend myself since at the time, she wasn't the sociable butterfly she's turned out to be. She used to dislike it when strangers tried to interact with her.
Sure, she'd say Hi if someone said Hi first but that was about it. Most times, she'd start whining and burying her face in my shoulder or insist on me carrying her, if she was standing or walking.
And then sometime this year, it all changed. She would be the first to say Hi to someone we bumped into, stranger or not, and it wasn't just greeting people. She'd actually try to strike up conversation as if she has known that person for ages. She'd start telling them where she was going and what she was going to do. She started calling for people by name - people other than anyone she's close to (our families). She started asking for our friends, people who she'd only met a few times in her life and had minimal interactions with, being so introverted before.
And even when we announced that we were going to visit or meet with someone new, she'd commit the name to memory and get excited about it. She was blossoming and from these instances, I could see how much she longed for interaction other than what she is used to.
So we've decided to send her to school starting June. My MIL found a nice kindergarten within walking distance of where we live. The class is small (four kids at the moment, with one joining in the next term, so with Hana it'll be 6 altogether) and there are two teachers watching them. The teacher in charge seems nice - the children seem quite attached to her.
And so there you have it. Hana starts school InsyaAllah.
How do I feel about letting this precious little girl go? I've got mixed feelings. Excitement - for her, and the opportunities she'd finally have to make friends and play with other children. Sadness that she's no longer a baby and no longer needs me in certain ways - there are finally things that I cannot personally give her, things that she needs other people besides her family, and of course, a certain sense of pride that she's finally ready, that she somehow made herself ready without help from me or her dad.
A part of me wants to keep her under my wing forever. But I know that doing that would be selfish. So as hard as it feels for me right now, I gotta let my little angel spread her wings and fly.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Discovering myself
So here's the thing.
I've lived my whole life being this insecure person who wants the whole world to like her. I looked at people who had the guts to tell someone what for and I yearned to be like them but I just couldn't.
And so, relationship after relationship, friendship after friendship, I lived as a self-proclaimed, self-ordained doormat and I have no one to blame but myself. Because I chose to let people walk over me.
After my life turned upside down a few years ago, I vowed to myself that that would've been the last time I sunk that low, but still certain actions affected me in ways I wished they wouldn't.
I started going for therapy again, and I'm happy to say that this time, I've gotten to the core of what's really bothering me - ME.
So I'm done putting myself down, thinking that I'm not good enough. I'm a good mother and god knows I try my best to be a good person, but after years and years of living for the approval of other people, I want to live for me. I want to stop putting impossible standards on myself and then beating myself up for failing to live up to them. I want to move on, I want to let go of that insecure little girl living inside of me all this time.
And so here it is: I'm not the same person I was a few years ago. I will not run to someone to try and get them back when they're the ones who've made mistakes or hurt me. If they come back on their own then my doors are always open because that's a part of me I don't think I'll ever change, but I will not chase after them.
It's not that I've stopped caring. I just feel that it's time that I care for myself (and my family) more.
I've lived my whole life being this insecure person who wants the whole world to like her. I looked at people who had the guts to tell someone what for and I yearned to be like them but I just couldn't.
And so, relationship after relationship, friendship after friendship, I lived as a self-proclaimed, self-ordained doormat and I have no one to blame but myself. Because I chose to let people walk over me.
After my life turned upside down a few years ago, I vowed to myself that that would've been the last time I sunk that low, but still certain actions affected me in ways I wished they wouldn't.
I started going for therapy again, and I'm happy to say that this time, I've gotten to the core of what's really bothering me - ME.
So I'm done putting myself down, thinking that I'm not good enough. I'm a good mother and god knows I try my best to be a good person, but after years and years of living for the approval of other people, I want to live for me. I want to stop putting impossible standards on myself and then beating myself up for failing to live up to them. I want to move on, I want to let go of that insecure little girl living inside of me all this time.
And so here it is: I'm not the same person I was a few years ago. I will not run to someone to try and get them back when they're the ones who've made mistakes or hurt me. If they come back on their own then my doors are always open because that's a part of me I don't think I'll ever change, but I will not chase after them.
It's not that I've stopped caring. I just feel that it's time that I care for myself (and my family) more.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Monday, November 18, 2013
Of Speech Patterns
Little by little, I've noticed that Hana has started to talk more like adults. Despite her limited vocab, she does try and speak in full, proper sentences. At the very least, she manages to arrange her words properly whenever she talks.
For example, she used to say "Mama takut". Now she says "Hana takut mama!" (When we play catch, just in case people's imaginations start going wild) :P
She used to go "Apa bunyi tu?" When she hears the knocking and drilling that are oh-so-common where we live. Now she says "Bunyi apa tu?"
Yesterday, she crawled under the dinner table and grinned at me. I asked her "What are you doing, Hana?" and she answered "Sit down". So I corrected her with "I'm sitting down", which she duly repeated.
So today, I decided to ask her a few questions in complete sentences, just to see if she can answer them accordingly. My first was when she asked for cereal for breakfast and specifically requested that I put banana pieces in it.
Me: Do you like bananas?
Hana: I like bananas.
This was quite a pleasant surprise to me because I wasn't aware that she knew how to use pronouns. I knew that she can glean meanings out of the things I say, but I didn't know she could refer to herself in the first person in the proper context, if you know what I mean.
I asked her the second question when she was slurping the milk out of the bowl after her cereal was all gone.
Me: Is it good?
Hana: It's so good!
So she's gone beyond repeating what we say to being able to put each sentence pattern into context.
For example, she used to say "Mama takut". Now she says "Hana takut mama!" (When we play catch, just in case people's imaginations start going wild) :P
She used to go "Apa bunyi tu?" When she hears the knocking and drilling that are oh-so-common where we live. Now she says "Bunyi apa tu?"
Yesterday, she crawled under the dinner table and grinned at me. I asked her "What are you doing, Hana?" and she answered "Sit down". So I corrected her with "I'm sitting down", which she duly repeated.
So today, I decided to ask her a few questions in complete sentences, just to see if she can answer them accordingly. My first was when she asked for cereal for breakfast and specifically requested that I put banana pieces in it.
Me: Do you like bananas?
Hana: I like bananas.
This was quite a pleasant surprise to me because I wasn't aware that she knew how to use pronouns. I knew that she can glean meanings out of the things I say, but I didn't know she could refer to herself in the first person in the proper context, if you know what I mean.
I asked her the second question when she was slurping the milk out of the bowl after her cereal was all gone.
Me: Is it good?
Hana: It's so good!
So she's gone beyond repeating what we say to being able to put each sentence pattern into context.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Listening to Reason
My posts always seem overdue nowadays kan? It's hard concentrating on writing a post when things are just happening around me and there's a little girl running around needing my attention.
Anyway, here's a little Hana update.
She's 2y2m now. We spent her birthday in Kedah because it fell on the date of our best friend's wedding. Attempted to take her to the Taiping Zoo on the way back the next day but that place was filled to the heavens since it was still Raya holidays. We came back and took her to a playgym, decided to have a small celebration at home with family. My sister baked a cake and we cooked. Just because Hana is happiest when she's surrounded by the people she loves. Sounds cliche but it's totally true. You should see how she lights up when she realises her grandparents and aunties are all around :)
She is a sweetheart. Such a loving little girl despite the fact that she didn't like to be touched very much when she was an infant. Nowadays, she's taken to climbing into our bed. I scooch over and she plonks herself on my pillow, turns towards me, gives me a kiss and hugs me around the neck.
One thing that I'm glad for is that she understands enough to be able to listen to reason now. Yes, she still gets upset when she doesn't get what she wants but really all I have to do is put her on my lap and explain nicely why I'm not giving it to her. When I'm done, I ask her "Ok Hana?" and she will always answer "Ok Mama", wipe the remainder of the tears and everything is okay again.
Ok so I don't know how to end this post. Talk about short attention span haha :P
Anyway, here's a little Hana update.
She's 2y2m now. We spent her birthday in Kedah because it fell on the date of our best friend's wedding. Attempted to take her to the Taiping Zoo on the way back the next day but that place was filled to the heavens since it was still Raya holidays. We came back and took her to a playgym, decided to have a small celebration at home with family. My sister baked a cake and we cooked. Just because Hana is happiest when she's surrounded by the people she loves. Sounds cliche but it's totally true. You should see how she lights up when she realises her grandparents and aunties are all around :)
She is a sweetheart. Such a loving little girl despite the fact that she didn't like to be touched very much when she was an infant. Nowadays, she's taken to climbing into our bed. I scooch over and she plonks herself on my pillow, turns towards me, gives me a kiss and hugs me around the neck.
One thing that I'm glad for is that she understands enough to be able to listen to reason now. Yes, she still gets upset when she doesn't get what she wants but really all I have to do is put her on my lap and explain nicely why I'm not giving it to her. When I'm done, I ask her "Ok Hana?" and she will always answer "Ok Mama", wipe the remainder of the tears and everything is okay again.
Ok so I don't know how to end this post. Talk about short attention span haha :P
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Hana and Problem-Solving
My daughter never fails to amaze me. I know I say that a lot but she's been doing that a lot more lately.
When she's not being difficult, she's one of the bubbliest, cheekiest little babies I've ever seen.
A few days ago, she questioned her dad with a "Kenapa?" when he asked her to do something. Looks like we'll be hit with the "Whys" very very soon.
But what astounded me even more was when we were at the Science Center (took her there on Sunday). There was a panel with some buttons on it which she desperately wanted to reach and press. It was a bit too high for her though, so she toddled over to the corner (where there were hula hoops and those mini colourful Ikea stools), picked up one of the stools, carried it over to the panel, set it carefully down in front of it and climbed on it, proceeded to happily press the buttons.
Her dad and I were both watching with our mouths open.
When she's not being difficult, she's one of the bubbliest, cheekiest little babies I've ever seen.
A few days ago, she questioned her dad with a "Kenapa?" when he asked her to do something. Looks like we'll be hit with the "Whys" very very soon.
But what astounded me even more was when we were at the Science Center (took her there on Sunday). There was a panel with some buttons on it which she desperately wanted to reach and press. It was a bit too high for her though, so she toddled over to the corner (where there were hula hoops and those mini colourful Ikea stools), picked up one of the stools, carried it over to the panel, set it carefully down in front of it and climbed on it, proceeded to happily press the buttons.
Her dad and I were both watching with our mouths open.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Heartbreaking
A few days ago, we were rocked by shocking news of how a 3-year old died after being left in the car by her mother for about 5 hours.
My reaction to the news came in stages. When I first read the headline, I was like "What the heck was the mother thinking?" then I read the whole story of how she had sent her sister over to the airport and had forgotten to send her sleeping baby to the nursery.
The circumstances under which she found her little girl at the end of the day was devastating, to say the least. Shock and anger, on my part quickly changed to disbelief, a dawning realization that I understood and finally, an unexpected grief and heartbreak - for her, for that poor little baby in the car, for her whole family.
While browsing, I found the photo of the little girl and I started crying. The poses she struck, how she looked, what she was doing in the photos, it could've been my baby. I went into my bedroom where my own little girl was sleeping peacefully and I lay down next to her, touching her hands and cheeks and wishing that I could give her the tightest hug ever right then and there, wishing I could just wake her up.
I cannot imagine how the mother must have felt. The guilt, the disbelief, the emptiness that must be plaguing her every waking and sleeping moment. The longing, perhaps, to just turn back that clock and do that day over again.
I cannot imagine what that little girl must've felt before she left us. We enter a hot car and within minutes we feel suffocated. This was 5 hours. Her thought processes, her emotions, thinking her mommy would come rescue her soon but no one showing up - too devastating to even think about.
Once, about a few months after Hana turned one, I had left her in the crib in order to fill water into her tub. She had been particularly difficult that morning and I thought that it would do me good to leave her there for a few minutes so that I could get this done and calm myself down. Walking back to the room to get her, I heard a loud 'thud', following by the scariest, loudest wailing noise I had ever heard from her.
She had somehow climbed over the barriers and fell to the floor. My guilt knew no boundary. I checked if there was any injury (thank Allah, there was none) and sat on the floor hugging her and wailed right along with her. After my own sobs had subsided and hers had stopped in confusion at why her mama was making that funny noise, I calmed down and called my husband. He came home, found me in a daze with hana clutched tightly in my grasp.
I cried that whole night and couldn't get a good night's sleep for a week, instead, spending those nights just gazing at her, furiously wiping the tears away when I thought about the pain and trauma she must've felt.
That is how a mother feels when her baby is hurt. How she feels when the baby gets hurt BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE DID.
Now multiply that by about a million. Which is probably how the mother of that baby feels right now.
Some "perfect parents with no children" - as someone described it to me on Twitter, and perhaps even some parents whose children had grown and had forgotten how challenging it is to raise a baby, or parents who have had it easy, have called for authorities to punish the mother for negligence.
When answered with "Hasn't she suffered enough? Isn't in punishment enough to have lost her precious baby?", they replied in the negatives.
Being a relatively new parent, I know all too well the fatigue that comes with it. Some days you're struggling to figure out how to tie your shoelaces. There are nights when your baby wakes up at an ungodly hour and only falls asleep after Subuh or minutes before your alarm clock rings.
Even my husband sometimes jolts himself on the highway to work, thinking he forgot to send my baby over to my mothers on days that she's supposed to go there, when he had just dropped her off 10 minutes prior. If you can make that kind of mistake, you can definitely make the reverse, which is something I even shudder to imagine.
We've all had one of those off days. We're just lucky enough that nothing this heartbreaking ever came out of them.
My reaction to the news came in stages. When I first read the headline, I was like "What the heck was the mother thinking?" then I read the whole story of how she had sent her sister over to the airport and had forgotten to send her sleeping baby to the nursery.
The circumstances under which she found her little girl at the end of the day was devastating, to say the least. Shock and anger, on my part quickly changed to disbelief, a dawning realization that I understood and finally, an unexpected grief and heartbreak - for her, for that poor little baby in the car, for her whole family.
While browsing, I found the photo of the little girl and I started crying. The poses she struck, how she looked, what she was doing in the photos, it could've been my baby. I went into my bedroom where my own little girl was sleeping peacefully and I lay down next to her, touching her hands and cheeks and wishing that I could give her the tightest hug ever right then and there, wishing I could just wake her up.
I cannot imagine how the mother must have felt. The guilt, the disbelief, the emptiness that must be plaguing her every waking and sleeping moment. The longing, perhaps, to just turn back that clock and do that day over again.
I cannot imagine what that little girl must've felt before she left us. We enter a hot car and within minutes we feel suffocated. This was 5 hours. Her thought processes, her emotions, thinking her mommy would come rescue her soon but no one showing up - too devastating to even think about.
Once, about a few months after Hana turned one, I had left her in the crib in order to fill water into her tub. She had been particularly difficult that morning and I thought that it would do me good to leave her there for a few minutes so that I could get this done and calm myself down. Walking back to the room to get her, I heard a loud 'thud', following by the scariest, loudest wailing noise I had ever heard from her.
She had somehow climbed over the barriers and fell to the floor. My guilt knew no boundary. I checked if there was any injury (thank Allah, there was none) and sat on the floor hugging her and wailed right along with her. After my own sobs had subsided and hers had stopped in confusion at why her mama was making that funny noise, I calmed down and called my husband. He came home, found me in a daze with hana clutched tightly in my grasp.
I cried that whole night and couldn't get a good night's sleep for a week, instead, spending those nights just gazing at her, furiously wiping the tears away when I thought about the pain and trauma she must've felt.
That is how a mother feels when her baby is hurt. How she feels when the baby gets hurt BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE DID.
Now multiply that by about a million. Which is probably how the mother of that baby feels right now.
Some "perfect parents with no children" - as someone described it to me on Twitter, and perhaps even some parents whose children had grown and had forgotten how challenging it is to raise a baby, or parents who have had it easy, have called for authorities to punish the mother for negligence.
When answered with "Hasn't she suffered enough? Isn't in punishment enough to have lost her precious baby?", they replied in the negatives.
Being a relatively new parent, I know all too well the fatigue that comes with it. Some days you're struggling to figure out how to tie your shoelaces. There are nights when your baby wakes up at an ungodly hour and only falls asleep after Subuh or minutes before your alarm clock rings.
Even my husband sometimes jolts himself on the highway to work, thinking he forgot to send my baby over to my mothers on days that she's supposed to go there, when he had just dropped her off 10 minutes prior. If you can make that kind of mistake, you can definitely make the reverse, which is something I even shudder to imagine.
We've all had one of those off days. We're just lucky enough that nothing this heartbreaking ever came out of them.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Offensive Posts
Hari ni tiba-tiba terfikir.
Dulu I joined those parenting groups. Niat nak menimba ilmu. Tapi bila dah tengok orang kutuk sana-sini, rasa macam kita ni mak yang tak sempurna. Kalau bagi susu formula tu macam dah teruk sangat la sebab tak usaha. Padahal diorang tak tau pun macam mana kita struggle nak bagi anak susu ibu. Kira bersyukur sangat anak kita dapat colostrum tu walaupun tak dapat nak susukan sampai 2 tahun. Dan bersyukur kita masih dapat bagi susu dekat anak kita walaupun bukan dari badan kita sendiri. Dia dapat jugak khasiat, dia tak kelaparan, dia membesar dengan sihat jugak macam anak orang lain.
Kalau bagi vaksin pun salah. Sebab dah terikut-ikut sangat apa yang kerajaan suruh buat. Kalau bawak pegi doktor pun tak betul. Sebab percaya sangat diorang, sedangkan diorang tu nak buat duit je. Macam-macam lah yang kita buat, serba tak kena.
So lama-lama rasa macam, tiap kali bukak je group mesti terasa. Mesti kecik hati. Padahal benda tu tak ditujukan kepada kita secara personal. Tapi tetap jugak kecik hati. Delete group satu-satu. Tak membantu pun. Ilmu yang dapat dekat situ boleh je cari kat Ms Google atau lebih baik lagi refer terus pada yang pakar.
So terfikir pulak harini. Kita terasa bila diorang cakap benda2 tu. walaupun tak tuju kat kita. habis bila kita cakap macam2 dekat blog, dekat twitter, dekat facebook, kita tak tau siapa yang terasa dengan kita.
Rasa takut pulak.
Ada jugak yang kata "I don't take responsibility for how you feel about what I say". Tapi bila fikir bab dosa pahala... Bayangkan kalau 10 orang terasa tiap2 kali kita post something dekat these social media websites. Bayangkan.
This serves as a reminder to myself to think a hundred times before posting something next time.
To anyone out there who reads my blog, anyone I've hurt or offended with any of my entries or with any posts I've published, be it here or in any of the websites I frequent, saya minta maaf dari hujung rambut sampai hujung kaki. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive this flawed human being who sometimes slips when she gets too emotional or stressed out. If there ever comes a time when I intentionally or unintentionally post something hurtful or offensive, please leave a reminder. Help me become a better person.
Thank you.
Dulu I joined those parenting groups. Niat nak menimba ilmu. Tapi bila dah tengok orang kutuk sana-sini, rasa macam kita ni mak yang tak sempurna. Kalau bagi susu formula tu macam dah teruk sangat la sebab tak usaha. Padahal diorang tak tau pun macam mana kita struggle nak bagi anak susu ibu. Kira bersyukur sangat anak kita dapat colostrum tu walaupun tak dapat nak susukan sampai 2 tahun. Dan bersyukur kita masih dapat bagi susu dekat anak kita walaupun bukan dari badan kita sendiri. Dia dapat jugak khasiat, dia tak kelaparan, dia membesar dengan sihat jugak macam anak orang lain.
Kalau bagi vaksin pun salah. Sebab dah terikut-ikut sangat apa yang kerajaan suruh buat. Kalau bawak pegi doktor pun tak betul. Sebab percaya sangat diorang, sedangkan diorang tu nak buat duit je. Macam-macam lah yang kita buat, serba tak kena.
So lama-lama rasa macam, tiap kali bukak je group mesti terasa. Mesti kecik hati. Padahal benda tu tak ditujukan kepada kita secara personal. Tapi tetap jugak kecik hati. Delete group satu-satu. Tak membantu pun. Ilmu yang dapat dekat situ boleh je cari kat Ms Google atau lebih baik lagi refer terus pada yang pakar.
So terfikir pulak harini. Kita terasa bila diorang cakap benda2 tu. walaupun tak tuju kat kita. habis bila kita cakap macam2 dekat blog, dekat twitter, dekat facebook, kita tak tau siapa yang terasa dengan kita.
Rasa takut pulak.
Ada jugak yang kata "I don't take responsibility for how you feel about what I say". Tapi bila fikir bab dosa pahala... Bayangkan kalau 10 orang terasa tiap2 kali kita post something dekat these social media websites. Bayangkan.
This serves as a reminder to myself to think a hundred times before posting something next time.
To anyone out there who reads my blog, anyone I've hurt or offended with any of my entries or with any posts I've published, be it here or in any of the websites I frequent, saya minta maaf dari hujung rambut sampai hujung kaki. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive this flawed human being who sometimes slips when she gets too emotional or stressed out. If there ever comes a time when I intentionally or unintentionally post something hurtful or offensive, please leave a reminder. Help me become a better person.
Thank you.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Of Parenting
It's not easy, let me tell you.
Not that I don't love it. I do, don't get me wrong. It's worth it to wake up early everyday, having her smile sweetly at me and say "Hi sayang! Hi Mama!".
To have to rush here and there in the morning to make her breakfast, get her bathed and comfy and playing ball on demand or letting her watch her favourite shows, if only to have her run up to me, put her little arms around my neck and give me a huge wet kiss on the lips.
The stressful moments are forgotten at one simple smile or word or hug (or ''ag!" as she would say it).
But it's not easy.
There are times when I feel like I'm going to drop to the floor at the end of each day. Times when Epol walks in the door only to have me hand Hana over immediately before he can even recuperate from work.
Times when we argue over how to discipline, how to feed her, how to cook for her. I have my ways and he has his. She's too young to be disciplined. If we don't discipline her now, she's going to get spoiled. She can't eat those cookies, she won't be able to sleep later. Yes but she deserves a treat every now and then.
There are times when we can't seem to agree on anything.
And yet it's the most fulfilling thing I've ever done.
There are days when I can't wait to have my mother babysit her so I can concentrate on my studies.
And yet I miss her 5 minutes after she leaves the house with daddy.
Maybe it's the hugs she gave me before she left, or those kisses, or the way she kissed my hand after 'salam-ing' it, or that flying kiss she sent my way right before entering the lifts. Perhaps it's even the adorable way she says "Bye bye Mama!" repeatedly. But I miss her.
Still, it's not easy.
Not that I don't love it. I do, don't get me wrong. It's worth it to wake up early everyday, having her smile sweetly at me and say "Hi sayang! Hi Mama!".
To have to rush here and there in the morning to make her breakfast, get her bathed and comfy and playing ball on demand or letting her watch her favourite shows, if only to have her run up to me, put her little arms around my neck and give me a huge wet kiss on the lips.
The stressful moments are forgotten at one simple smile or word or hug (or ''ag!" as she would say it).
But it's not easy.
There are times when I feel like I'm going to drop to the floor at the end of each day. Times when Epol walks in the door only to have me hand Hana over immediately before he can even recuperate from work.
Times when we argue over how to discipline, how to feed her, how to cook for her. I have my ways and he has his. She's too young to be disciplined. If we don't discipline her now, she's going to get spoiled. She can't eat those cookies, she won't be able to sleep later. Yes but she deserves a treat every now and then.
There are times when we can't seem to agree on anything.
And yet it's the most fulfilling thing I've ever done.
There are days when I can't wait to have my mother babysit her so I can concentrate on my studies.
And yet I miss her 5 minutes after she leaves the house with daddy.
Maybe it's the hugs she gave me before she left, or those kisses, or the way she kissed my hand after 'salam-ing' it, or that flying kiss she sent my way right before entering the lifts. Perhaps it's even the adorable way she says "Bye bye Mama!" repeatedly. But I miss her.
Still, it's not easy.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Hitting a Brick Wall
I have to say this.
I hate where I am, academically. I had a chance for something big but I blew it and now I'm stuck at square one, unable to progress anywhere.
People always say that when you're a postgraduate, you have to fend for yourself, nobody is gonna help you if you don't help yourselves. Your supervisor is there but you have to do everything. They're just there to observe.
I disagree. I say that if we were so capable of producing research papers on our own, why would we even need to enroll in a university? Why pay thousands each semester just to do everything on our own?
I don't think supervisors should sit back and wait for our progress. I think they should check, be concerned, yell if they have to.
Why need universities if that's what PG is all about? Suffice to have a board that's in charge of going through these papers. Just send it in, present and that's it. Pay a submission fee.
Supervisors get paid to lead and help and assist in any way they can. Why leave students hanging in the wind with no direction to go?
At this point in time, I want nothing more than to just cry, cry and cry. And quit. Time is running out and I just wanna run off and forget I even had this stupid idea in the first place.
I hate where I am, academically. I had a chance for something big but I blew it and now I'm stuck at square one, unable to progress anywhere.
People always say that when you're a postgraduate, you have to fend for yourself, nobody is gonna help you if you don't help yourselves. Your supervisor is there but you have to do everything. They're just there to observe.
I disagree. I say that if we were so capable of producing research papers on our own, why would we even need to enroll in a university? Why pay thousands each semester just to do everything on our own?
I don't think supervisors should sit back and wait for our progress. I think they should check, be concerned, yell if they have to.
Why need universities if that's what PG is all about? Suffice to have a board that's in charge of going through these papers. Just send it in, present and that's it. Pay a submission fee.
Supervisors get paid to lead and help and assist in any way they can. Why leave students hanging in the wind with no direction to go?
At this point in time, I want nothing more than to just cry, cry and cry. And quit. Time is running out and I just wanna run off and forget I even had this stupid idea in the first place.
Monday, May 13, 2013
On the precipice
I've gotten asked so many times when we're giving Hana a little brother or sister.
So far, my answers have ranged from "Ada rezeki nanti ada lah" to "I'm not ready to go into the labour room again" to "Hana's not ready to share my attention".
Honestly, I really want another baby. I want it so bad. But then I look at myself. The way I can be, the things I feel and do. I look at my capabilities. I'm always on the precipice. Always almost falling. I struggle with even this one beautiful, lovable baby.
And I know that for now, I'm not able. Mentally, I'm too weak.
So far, my answers have ranged from "Ada rezeki nanti ada lah" to "I'm not ready to go into the labour room again" to "Hana's not ready to share my attention".
Honestly, I really want another baby. I want it so bad. But then I look at myself. The way I can be, the things I feel and do. I look at my capabilities. I'm always on the precipice. Always almost falling. I struggle with even this one beautiful, lovable baby.
And I know that for now, I'm not able. Mentally, I'm too weak.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
I survived!
Ok so the title is a little bit dramatic, but here's the story:
On Tuesday (19/3), Epol came home from work early, pale, shaken and feverish, and upon arrival, dropped everything and went straight to the bathroom. It appeared that he had gotten a bad case of food poisoning.
I had Hana that day and so it began, taking care of a clingy baby and a sick husband at the same time. I was exhausted by the end of the day and the house was in the worse condition it had ever been (and believe me, my house has seen some bad times). Hana wouldn't go to sleep until almost 11.
The next day, I took Hana to my mom's and continued caring for the patient at home. His temperature rose to 39.7 degrees, which was pretty damn high, and we called my sister-in-law (who is a doctor), and she came over after work and declared that we should probably take him to the hospital.
So to cut a long story short, he was admitted for two nights, leaving me alone at home with Hana, for the first time ever.
Being a total wimp, I never thought I'd be able to survive even one, let alone TWO nights alone (albeit with the baby) in a house. But that night, when my sister asked me if I was gonna be okay and if we could make some kind of arrangement for Hana and I (possibly sleep over at my mom's), I actually replied that we were gonna be fine.
And we were.
I survived.
Barely. :P
On Tuesday (19/3), Epol came home from work early, pale, shaken and feverish, and upon arrival, dropped everything and went straight to the bathroom. It appeared that he had gotten a bad case of food poisoning.
I had Hana that day and so it began, taking care of a clingy baby and a sick husband at the same time. I was exhausted by the end of the day and the house was in the worse condition it had ever been (and believe me, my house has seen some bad times). Hana wouldn't go to sleep until almost 11.
The next day, I took Hana to my mom's and continued caring for the patient at home. His temperature rose to 39.7 degrees, which was pretty damn high, and we called my sister-in-law (who is a doctor), and she came over after work and declared that we should probably take him to the hospital.
So to cut a long story short, he was admitted for two nights, leaving me alone at home with Hana, for the first time ever.
Being a total wimp, I never thought I'd be able to survive even one, let alone TWO nights alone (albeit with the baby) in a house. But that night, when my sister asked me if I was gonna be okay and if we could make some kind of arrangement for Hana and I (possibly sleep over at my mom's), I actually replied that we were gonna be fine.
And we were.
I survived.
Barely. :P
Monday, March 4, 2013
Of the damned Red Tape and Compassion (or lack of)
Early Saturday morning, my grandmother fell and passed out in her bathroom. By our estimation, she had been on the floor for a few hours before my sister decided to check up on her and discovered what happened.
She was sent to the hospital in an ambulance (which arrived TWO FRIGGIN HOURS AFTER THEY WERE CALLED), checked on by the orthopedic who was on-call, found out that it there was a small fracture on her hip that would eventually heal by itself, and she was discharged that same morning.
I dropped by at about 10 to visit and arrived just in time to see my sisters struggling because my grandmother had fallen off the couch after she tried to adjust the position of her legs. Her injured hip was underneath, the leg stuck and unmovable and she was already in the weakest condition I had ever seen her. Her last coherent sentence was "Siapa jaga Hana?" when she saw that I was trying to help get her back up.
We woke my dad up and my uncle arrived a few minutes later and still we couldn't get her back up. She complained that it hurt when we tried to lift her by her pits and we were too afraid to move her legs, particularly the injured one. In the end, we had to bring down a single mattress and maneuver her onto it. She still complained but I asked her to bear with the pain just for a little while. Her injured leg was burning hot and she seemed to run a fever. Upon taking her temperature, we discovered it at 39 degrees Celcius, very hot.
I called someone who worked in that hospital, and she made some inquiries found out that my grandma was very much coherent and not in pain when she was at the emergency room. Upon finding out, though, that she now had a fever and wasn't lucid, she suggested taking her back to the hospital.
So they made arrangements to admit her to the private section of this hospital instead of making her go through another 5 or 6 hours of emergency triage. My uncle went ahead to the hospital to make arrangements and get an ambulance to take her back there, since my grandmother is quite big sized and it's hard for us to get her off the floor onto a car and back out again when she was in so much pain and not responding to any questions or orders.
The ambulance came, found out that she wasn't going through emergency and refused to take her. REFUSED. The reason? "We are from emergency and if we take her without admitting her to the emergency ward first, then we will get scolding from our superior". All the while, there was this old woman in front of them, weak, breathing heavily, clearly in a lot of pain.
The problem was, they were there already, and were going to make their way back to the hospital anyway. Apparently, showing up with an empty ambulance is better than helping an injured old woman.
I understand that they were bound by the red tape, but this is someone who really needed help. Where was the compassion? Where was the humanity?
This is the second time I've heard of staff of this hospital refusing to help someone in need because of the red tape.
But when it boils down to the basics, would it have made them feel better if my grandmother had died because of their red tape? Is it okay, as long as they don't get reprimanded by their superior?
Again. Where was the humanity and compassion?
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Hana: Duplo and Stringing Sentences
I've noticed for a while now that Hana has started to learn problem solving. For example, if she is trying to get someplace and the nearest route has been blocked by something, she will find another way to get there.
Today, she was playing with her Duplos (well, not really duplo but a brandless substitute that looks like it. For the sake of making it easier for me to post, let's still call them duplos). She had managed to stack three of the four-notched (square) duplos together. In the first place, I didn't even know that she knew how to play with them properly because she usually prefers to play with the bucket that comes with it, using it as a hat. She gives me the duplos to put together for her.
But that's not why I was amazed. After she had stacked the fours, she picked up the twos. There were two of them. she stacked them together and proceeded to try and join them to the fours. She couldn't because her hands are a bit too small to join two big pieces together. So what does she do? She takes the stacked twos, tears them apart and proceeds to connect them, one by one onto the big stack. Problem solved. She looks up at me, notices that I was watching and smiled proudly.
And mama just watches with her mouth open and squeals. haha.
And then the other day, I discovered that she has started stringing words together to form sentences. Not as smoothly and eloquently as we do mind you, but she certainly tries.
She was rolling around on the carpet, her head on a cushion and she forgot that she wasn't on a bouncy bed and tried bouncing but her head missed the cushion and she banged it on the (carpeted) floor. she ran to me crying "call daddy! daddy!". So i called. As soon as her dad picked up the phone and said hello, she said loudly while sobbing "sayang! baying datuh tadi!" (sayang, baring jatuh tadi). Her dad was like "whaatt?" And I repeated what she said, not quite believing it myself.
And there you have it. My baby's growing up.
She won't be a baby for much longer, will she?
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