Of Number TWO

I'm currently 5 months pregnant with number two, something that I didn't think I'd be up to, three years ago. I think that if you read my blog then, you'd know why. 

Sometimes, I do wonder if I made the right decision. I feel like I barely do an OK job with Hana and now I'm about to take on another huge responsibility. Yes, rezeki, Alhamdulillah, please don't say that I'm not thankful, I am, but I'm also scared to death. 

One good thing is that I'm under a different Obgyn. Still at Pantai, which I wasn't happy about initially, but I'm willing to overlook that, since she's a really really good doctor and I feel comfortable with her. We even addressed my previous problem of bf-ing and came up with some plans (albeit still vague) so that I'll know what to do this time. So I hope I'll have a much better experience. 

Anyway, the pregnancy has been quite testing. I had nvp up until the 17th week, acid reflux, mild pregnancy incontinence, and recently, I started spotting whenever I was active during the day. It caused quite a scare, but we established that it was normal and a swab and scan confirmed that the baby is fine and dandy, and so am I. All in all very different from my first pregnancy, which was easy practically all the way. So maybe, just maybe I'll have a totally different experience in the labour room as well? Or at least after. hehe.

The baby has started kicking. We don't have a name yet, since we don't even know the gender yet, and let me tell you it's weird having to refer to the baby as "it" since it seems to have a personality already. Next checkup will be next week, so perhaps we'll find out then InsyaAllah. Back to the baby, it's started kicking very recently but stops immediately when one of us puts a hand on my tummy to try and feel the kicks. Its favourite punching bag? My bladder, of course! 

Number one is eagerly awaiting for her little sister/brother to arrive. Little does she know that it doesn't equate to automatic playmate, that'll take a while, but she seems to be looking forward to being a big sister, and I have every reason to believe that she will be a good one, InsyaAllah.

That's it for updates. Obviously, I have no idea how to end this post. Kbye. 

The Fool.

Two kicks. But there was no one to tell. 

School Already?

This year, Hana turns three.

I've been searching since last year for classes and activities that she can join and interact with other children, something that I can attend myself since at the time, she wasn't the sociable butterfly she's turned out to be. She used to dislike it when strangers tried to interact with her.

Sure, she'd say Hi if someone said Hi first but that was about it. Most times, she'd start whining and burying her face in my shoulder or insist on me carrying her, if she was standing or walking.

And then sometime this year, it all changed. She would be the first to say Hi to someone we bumped into, stranger or not, and it wasn't just greeting people. She'd actually try to strike up conversation as if she has known that person for ages. She'd start telling them where she was going and what she was going to do. She started calling for people by name - people other than anyone she's close to (our families). She started asking for our friends, people who she'd only met a few times in her life and had minimal interactions with, being so introverted before.

And even when we announced that we were going to visit or meet with someone new, she'd commit the name to memory and get excited about it. She was blossoming and from these instances, I could see how much she longed for interaction other than what she is used to.

So we've decided to send her to school starting June. My MIL found a nice kindergarten within walking distance of where we live. The class is small (four kids at the moment, with one joining in the next term, so with Hana it'll be 6 altogether) and there are two teachers watching them. The teacher in charge seems nice - the children seem quite attached to her.

And so there you have it. Hana starts school InsyaAllah.

How do I feel about letting this precious little girl go? I've got mixed feelings. Excitement - for her, and the opportunities she'd finally have to make friends and play with other children. Sadness that she's no longer a baby and no longer needs me in certain ways - there are finally things that I cannot personally give her, things that she needs other people besides her family, and of course, a certain sense of pride that she's finally ready, that she somehow made herself ready without help from me or her dad.

A part of me wants to keep her under my wing forever. But I know that doing that would be selfish. So as hard as it feels for me right now, I gotta let my little angel spread her wings and fly.

Discovering myself

So here's the thing.

I've lived my whole life being this insecure person who wants the whole world to like her. I looked at people who had the guts to tell someone what for and I yearned to be like them but I just couldn't.

And so, relationship after relationship, friendship after friendship, I lived as a self-proclaimed, self-ordained doormat and I have no one to blame but myself. Because I chose to let people walk over me.

After my life turned upside down a few years ago, I vowed to myself that that would've been the last time I sunk that low, but still certain actions affected me in ways I wished they wouldn't.

I started going for therapy again, and I'm happy to say that this time, I've gotten to the core of what's really bothering me - ME.

So I'm done putting myself down, thinking that I'm not good enough. I'm a good mother and god knows I try my best to be a good person, but after years and years of living for the approval of other people, I want to live for me. I want to stop putting impossible standards on myself and then beating myself up for failing to live up to them. I want to move on, I want to let go of that insecure little girl living inside of me all this time.

And so here it is: I'm not the same person I was a few years ago. I will not run to someone to try and get them back when they're the ones who've made mistakes or hurt me. If they come back on their own then my doors are always open because that's a part of me I don't think I'll ever change, but I will not chase after them.

It's not that I've stopped caring. I just feel that it's time that I care for myself (and my family) more.

Photographs.

Of Speech Patterns

Little by little, I've noticed that Hana has started to talk more like adults. Despite her limited vocab, she does try and speak in full, proper sentences. At the very least, she manages to arrange her words properly whenever she talks.

For example, she used to say "Mama takut". Now she says "Hana takut mama!" (When we play catch, just in case people's imaginations start going wild) :P

She used to go "Apa bunyi tu?" When she hears the knocking and drilling that are oh-so-common where we live. Now she says "Bunyi apa tu?"

Yesterday, she crawled under the dinner table and grinned at me. I asked her "What are you doing, Hana?" and she answered "Sit down". So I corrected her with "I'm sitting down", which she duly repeated.

So today, I decided to ask her a few questions in complete sentences, just to see if she can answer them accordingly. My first was when she asked for cereal for breakfast and specifically requested that I put banana pieces in it.

Me: Do you like bananas?
Hana: I like bananas.

This was quite a pleasant surprise to me because I wasn't aware that she knew how to use pronouns. I knew that she can glean meanings out of the things I say, but I didn't know she could refer to herself in the first person in the proper context, if you know what I mean.

I asked her the second question when she was slurping the milk out of the bowl after her cereal was all gone.

Me: Is it good?
Hana: It's so good!

So she's gone beyond repeating what we say to being able to put each sentence pattern into context.

Listening to Reason

My posts always seem overdue nowadays kan? It's hard concentrating on writing a post when things are just happening around me and there's a little girl running around needing my attention.

Anyway, here's a little Hana update.

She's 2y2m now. We spent her birthday in Kedah because it fell on the date of our best friend's wedding. Attempted to take her to the Taiping Zoo on the way back the next day but that place was filled to the heavens since it was still Raya holidays. We came back and took her to a playgym, decided to have a small celebration at home with family. My sister baked a cake and we cooked. Just because Hana is happiest when she's surrounded by the people she loves. Sounds cliche but it's totally true. You should see how she lights up when she realises her grandparents and aunties are all around :)

She is a sweetheart. Such a loving little girl despite the fact that she didn't like to be touched very much when she was an infant. Nowadays, she's taken to climbing into our bed. I scooch over and she plonks herself on my pillow, turns towards me, gives me a kiss and hugs me around the neck.

One thing that I'm glad for is that she understands enough to be able to listen to reason now. Yes, she still gets upset when she doesn't get what she wants but really all I have to do is put her on my lap and explain nicely why I'm not giving it to her. When I'm done, I ask her "Ok Hana?" and she will always answer "Ok Mama", wipe the remainder of the tears and everything is okay again.

Ok so I don't know how to end this post. Talk about short attention span haha :P