When you put up photos after photos of your child, and each update is about them, people start saying that you don't have a life. "Orang lain pun sayang anak, takdela over hari2 letak gambar. Menyampah aku."
When you don't put up photos of your child, people contest your love for them.
You just can't win. So what do you do?
Whatever the hell you want :D
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
What it means to be a mother
1. Being able to change your body clock to fit your child's.
I used to wake up at around 10 in the morning, and go to sleep pretty darn late. Hana wakes up at 7 and basically goes to sleep whenever the heck she wants. Before you start commenting on how I should get her used to sleeping at a certain time, I do try, my dears. Usually, by 9, she's bathed/freshened up, had dinner, and is on her sleeping chair, chugging a bottle of milk, with her pacifier in her other hand. Sometimes, she falls asleep immediately, sometimes, about half an hour later. And then there are times when it's already 12 o'clock and we've already taken several turns trying to put her to sleep, but she still managed to widen those cute little eyes and smile at us cheekily.
No matter what, she still wakes up at 7am.
2. Being able to take insensitive comments in stride
This is something that I still need to learn. Most of these comments are well meaning, but I cannot help thinking that they're a slight to me as a mother and my husband as Hana's father. Comments like "I think she's sleepy"-really? I would never have guessed, judging from how she rubs her eyes.
3. Putting your child first
Holding in that pee because there's an emergency and your baby needs you now now now.
4. Putting yourself first
I know this is contradicting with the previous one, but this is actually quite important. I find myself having days when I forget to eat OR drink anything at all until my husband comes back at 7 o'clock because the day has been too hectic.
I never thought of this as a problem until a friend of mine, upon hearing this, asked me "But how are you going to take care of your baby if you don't out yourself first sometimes? What if you get sick?" And I realised that I was definitely doing things wrong.
It's been a hectic morning and since Hana is off with her Daddy rectifying the emergencies we had today, this is about all I can muster for now. I'll add to this list when I think of more things.
I used to wake up at around 10 in the morning, and go to sleep pretty darn late. Hana wakes up at 7 and basically goes to sleep whenever the heck she wants. Before you start commenting on how I should get her used to sleeping at a certain time, I do try, my dears. Usually, by 9, she's bathed/freshened up, had dinner, and is on her sleeping chair, chugging a bottle of milk, with her pacifier in her other hand. Sometimes, she falls asleep immediately, sometimes, about half an hour later. And then there are times when it's already 12 o'clock and we've already taken several turns trying to put her to sleep, but she still managed to widen those cute little eyes and smile at us cheekily.
No matter what, she still wakes up at 7am.
2. Being able to take insensitive comments in stride
This is something that I still need to learn. Most of these comments are well meaning, but I cannot help thinking that they're a slight to me as a mother and my husband as Hana's father. Comments like "I think she's sleepy"-really? I would never have guessed, judging from how she rubs her eyes.
3. Putting your child first
Holding in that pee because there's an emergency and your baby needs you now now now.
4. Putting yourself first
I know this is contradicting with the previous one, but this is actually quite important. I find myself having days when I forget to eat OR drink anything at all until my husband comes back at 7 o'clock because the day has been too hectic.
I never thought of this as a problem until a friend of mine, upon hearing this, asked me "But how are you going to take care of your baby if you don't out yourself first sometimes? What if you get sick?" And I realised that I was definitely doing things wrong.
It's been a hectic morning and since Hana is off with her Daddy rectifying the emergencies we had today, this is about all I can muster for now. I'll add to this list when I think of more things.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Sheep
Me: Old Macdonald had a farm, eeya eeya ohhh, and on that farm he had a sheep, eeya eeya ohh, with a baa baa here and a baa baa there
Hana: bahaha! baha! Shit!
Me: No Hana, it's sheeeeeep. sheeeep! Baaa, sheep!
Hana: bahahahahaa! bahahaha! sheeet! shit!
I'm in trouble. T_T
Hana: bahaha! baha! Shit!
Me: No Hana, it's sheeeeeep. sheeeep! Baaa, sheep!
Hana: bahahahahaa! bahahaha! sheeet! shit!
I'm in trouble. T_T
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Bringing in the New Year
Happy New Year!
Last night was a sleepless one for me. I tossed and turned, worrying about me thesis, and, with only a year and a half left, I've been doubting myself, wondering if I will ever complete this daunting task. If all my efforts will be for naught.
And so I am determined to do something about it this time. Hopefully, a complete proposal AT LEAST by the first quarter. I'm gonna try my hardest to finish this by the end of this year. And if that means I miss out on the phD or the scholarship, then so be it.
My past efforts are too valuable to throw away chasing something that will eventually come in due time.
And this is my only resolution.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Covering Up
When I was about 18 years old, I entered Matriculation, right after SPM. My college was in Melaka, and was, reportedly, the strictest matrciculation college at the time. And so it was a ruling (not sure if this was true for other matrix colleges) that all muslim girls must wear the tudung.
And so, upon leaving, I decided that I would just go on wearing the tudung, since it was convenient. about a year passed and I began to regret my decision. I felt that I wasn't ready. People seem to expect things of you when you cover up. You're supposed to be demure, not supposed to be in certain places, so many socially imposed rules and regulations, that I felt trapped within myself.
I made a decision (after consulting my mother, and asking for her consent) to take it off. It's not something that I am proud of today. I know many people on campus who looked down on what I did. They didn't have to say anything, I knew from the looks they gave me that they disapproved, but I didn't care (well a small part of me did, of course). All that was important was that I felt comfortable with myself.
I had my fun (within limits, of course), got married, and then about 3 years into my marriage, I felt that perhaps it was time for me to cover myself back up. I consulted my mother, my mother-in-law, and of course, my husband before making the decision. And in October 2010, I decided to go through with it.
Looking back, I have no regrets. Yes, I'm not proud of 'uncovering' myself, so to speak. But I don't regret the decision.
There are still times today that I feel as if life would be easier if the head covering wasn't there. I look back on how easy it was back then, just slip into something presentable, make sure my hair looks alright, or else tie it up and I was all done and ready to go out.
Nowadays, it's a chore to make sure my outfit matches with my headscarf, that it covers all the appropriate parts of my body, that no one will look at me and start whispering about how "pakai tudung tapi.....".
People are just so much more judgemental when it comes to girls who cover up. In a way it's good, because it makes them (us) be more careful about what we put on, but seriously, the pressure sometimes drives me crazy. Yes, I get offended when people start talking about people who wear the hijab, yes I get angry.
We are trying. Maybe we don;t do it perfectly, but who IS perfect? We're all human beings. We all have that desire to look good. If not to other people, then maybe just ourselves. Some people say, "pedulikan apa orang kata. Do you do it for other people or do you do it for God?"
Well, to these naysayers, I say, I pray that one day you'll also be able to reach the level that you expect us so-called "hijabsters" to reach. I pray that when you decide to do something good for yourselves, naysayers like yourselves won't come into the picture and start bringing you down just because you don't do it perfectly. I pray that no one will expose all of your faults just because they don't think you're doing it right instead of advising or telling you nicely. I hope you'll never get to the point where someone makes you doubt your faith just because they expect you to be perfect and you're just, simply put, not. I hope no one will judge you for being only human.
Nobody is perfect. Nobody.
And so, upon leaving, I decided that I would just go on wearing the tudung, since it was convenient. about a year passed and I began to regret my decision. I felt that I wasn't ready. People seem to expect things of you when you cover up. You're supposed to be demure, not supposed to be in certain places, so many socially imposed rules and regulations, that I felt trapped within myself.
I made a decision (after consulting my mother, and asking for her consent) to take it off. It's not something that I am proud of today. I know many people on campus who looked down on what I did. They didn't have to say anything, I knew from the looks they gave me that they disapproved, but I didn't care (well a small part of me did, of course). All that was important was that I felt comfortable with myself.
I had my fun (within limits, of course), got married, and then about 3 years into my marriage, I felt that perhaps it was time for me to cover myself back up. I consulted my mother, my mother-in-law, and of course, my husband before making the decision. And in October 2010, I decided to go through with it.
Looking back, I have no regrets. Yes, I'm not proud of 'uncovering' myself, so to speak. But I don't regret the decision.
There are still times today that I feel as if life would be easier if the head covering wasn't there. I look back on how easy it was back then, just slip into something presentable, make sure my hair looks alright, or else tie it up and I was all done and ready to go out.
Nowadays, it's a chore to make sure my outfit matches with my headscarf, that it covers all the appropriate parts of my body, that no one will look at me and start whispering about how "pakai tudung tapi.....".
People are just so much more judgemental when it comes to girls who cover up. In a way it's good, because it makes them (us) be more careful about what we put on, but seriously, the pressure sometimes drives me crazy. Yes, I get offended when people start talking about people who wear the hijab, yes I get angry.
We are trying. Maybe we don;t do it perfectly, but who IS perfect? We're all human beings. We all have that desire to look good. If not to other people, then maybe just ourselves. Some people say, "pedulikan apa orang kata. Do you do it for other people or do you do it for God?"
Well, to these naysayers, I say, I pray that one day you'll also be able to reach the level that you expect us so-called "hijabsters" to reach. I pray that when you decide to do something good for yourselves, naysayers like yourselves won't come into the picture and start bringing you down just because you don't do it perfectly. I pray that no one will expose all of your faults just because they don't think you're doing it right instead of advising or telling you nicely. I hope you'll never get to the point where someone makes you doubt your faith just because they expect you to be perfect and you're just, simply put, not. I hope no one will judge you for being only human.
Nobody is perfect. Nobody.
What ifs.
It's been so long since I've written anything. You have no idea how many times I've opened up the compose page and started writing, get a couple of paragraphs in only to point my mouse on the exit button without finishing.
It's a little disturbing to me, given that I used to be able to compose in a heartbeat and still end up with a semi-decent post. I think I've lost the ability, and maybe even the passion somewhere along the way.
So many things have happened in the last couple of years.
I got a beautiful baby girl (duh), got an amazing job, quit for my studies (and still regretting it everyday), and I still have yet to get anywhere with my thesis. The original reason I quit was to get further than I would otherwise, but looking at how slow my progress is, I might have to be content with finishing what I started and thinking about the next step later. I know this is really vague, but I think those who know me personally will know what I'm talking about.
It's so hard. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of so many things. What I want, what I love about my life, what I should be doing, what I would be if I had or hadn't done some things.
If.
Such a dirty word for someone like me.
I wouldn't trade my life for anything, and yet I still wonder what if.
So many people are convinced that I will make something out of what I have and pull myself and my family up.
I wish I had their confidence.
It's a little disturbing to me, given that I used to be able to compose in a heartbeat and still end up with a semi-decent post. I think I've lost the ability, and maybe even the passion somewhere along the way.
So many things have happened in the last couple of years.
I got a beautiful baby girl (duh), got an amazing job, quit for my studies (and still regretting it everyday), and I still have yet to get anywhere with my thesis. The original reason I quit was to get further than I would otherwise, but looking at how slow my progress is, I might have to be content with finishing what I started and thinking about the next step later. I know this is really vague, but I think those who know me personally will know what I'm talking about.
It's so hard. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of so many things. What I want, what I love about my life, what I should be doing, what I would be if I had or hadn't done some things.
If.
Such a dirty word for someone like me.
I wouldn't trade my life for anything, and yet I still wonder what if.
So many people are convinced that I will make something out of what I have and pull myself and my family up.
I wish I had their confidence.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
HanaTalks!
Well, not really. She can say a few words already though. She started saying "mama" when she was about 6 or 7 months old, but now I'm very sure that when she says a word, she does mean the actual object/person instead of arranging sounds in her mouth randomly. I know this because when she says "bear", she points to the nearest teddy bear that she can see.
I've always noticed that cognitively, she developed very well. She seemed to understand certain words from a very young age. Now that she's 11 months old, she's amassed a list of words to her vocabulary:
1. Mama
2. Dadd-eh (daddy)
3. Nene (nenen/milk)
4. mamam (makan)
5. Beah (bear)
6. baw (ball)
7. hshy (fishy)
8. kish (kiss)
9. buwah (bunga)
There are other words which she cannot pronounce but knows the meaning of, like "butterfly" or "tweet tweet" or "balloon". If you ask her "Mana gigi?" she will open her mouth and point. If you ask her "Hana nak apa?" she will immediately point to the thing that she wants (if she can't say it).
She can't walk yet, and as of now, is still crawling, but I don't mind. She can take her time :)
I've always noticed that cognitively, she developed very well. She seemed to understand certain words from a very young age. Now that she's 11 months old, she's amassed a list of words to her vocabulary:
1. Mama
2. Dadd-eh (daddy)
3. Nene (nenen/milk)
4. mamam (makan)
5. Beah (bear)
6. baw (ball)
7. hshy (fishy)
8. kish (kiss)
9. buwah (bunga)
There are other words which she cannot pronounce but knows the meaning of, like "butterfly" or "tweet tweet" or "balloon". If you ask her "Mana gigi?" she will open her mouth and point. If you ask her "Hana nak apa?" she will immediately point to the thing that she wants (if she can't say it).
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